What are you doing Thursday night? You're watching Idol, right? Not some other show? Say, about a bunch of singles and a couple of marrieds in New York are you? Well, even if you are, having fallen prey to a jumbled TV schedule in your TiVo-less domain, don't you worry. I'm going to recap every second of tonight's American Idol and throw in tons of amazingly hilarious commentary to boot!
But first, a Friends-cap in case you watched Idol Thursday and desperately need to know what happened a few channels over. In order, Joey ate a meatball sub, Ross went on a bad blind date, Chandler and Monica did more crazy baby planning and Rachel considered going back to Ross.
Back to Idol! Heeeeeeeeeeeeere we go! Last night, they sang for America. Eight people whose hopes and dreams lie in your hands. Don't you feel much guiltier now for not voting for everyone last night? How can you be so heartless? Find out tonight.on American Idol!
Seacrest struts out wearing a cake-eating grin and a.light suit! A light suit with bell bottom pants. Man, spring really is here. And now we can definitively say that Thursdays are Light Suit Day II for Ryan. The springy boy tells us that 24 million votes were received last night and the audience applauds. For.themselves? All their hard work burning up the phones last night, I guess.
We meet the judges and the contestants, but ever so briefly since we already know who they are. Then we recap last night's show, although with not nearly as much panache as my saucy transcript. Hey! Look who's here! It's the poorest kid in Beverly Hills, Brandon Walsh! Hey, did you know that Jason Priestley is on "Tru Calling"? And that "Tru Calling" is on is FOX right after "American Idol"? How serendipitous is it that Jason was sitting on the end of the aisle right where Seacrest was walking? Wow!
Moving on, Ryan briefly passes RJ Helton. Not giving RJ enough time to pitch his album or single or clothing line or whatever, Ryan moves onto to the judges, determined to prove a point. "Here! Read this prompter!" The judges gamely give it their best shot. "The the the Idol Idol Idol isn't isn't isn't just just just." Ryan fairly beams. "Aha! It's not so easy, is it? Not just anybody can do this job! Or my other two jobs! I keep telling you!"
So, Idol alum Tamyra Gray is on TV after Idol tonight. And Idol alum/former Jaded dream object Christina Christian is on TV on Idol tonight. Got all that? While you're trying to figure it out, just watch Christina sing a completely unique song that no other performer in the world could handle. Laced up confidently in her outfit, Christina stands still while dancers swirl around her.
Results now. No groups, no fractions, no moving off the couch. For most of the contestants, at least. La Toya, the judges loved you last night. Shocking. You're fine. Fantasia, you too. And we're caught completely off guard by that. George Huff, you didn't do that Huff Bounce last night. Tonight.nothing will happen. You're fine. George celebrates Jasmine, you're a little doll baby. The judges were split on you. I've had my mind made up on you for weeks. And you're safe. Jennifer Hudson, you're becoming the Nikki McKibbin this year. The contestant most familiar with the bottom three trot. Tonight, you can teach it to somebody else! You're safe.
That leaves the bottom three, well, on the bottom couch. JPL, Diana and John Stevens. JPL, the judges were all over the board on you last night. Will that work shirt you're wearing tonight come in handy next week back at the nursery? The plant kind, not the baby kind. Diana, you're also becoming familiar with the bottom three. And apparently very familiar with looking like Mariah Carey. John Stevens. You.are John Stevens. If you and another redhead had a daughter, that kid would get free food at Wendy's for life. But are you safe?
You know what, this is all too much! We need a break! Okay, we go check the hockey scores, find out that Kovy netted one for the Habs, and we're back. In the middle of the stage, Diana holds John Stevens' hand through this harrowing ordeal. JPL, he's pretty much on his own. He'll need to lean on his tough guy shirts for support. Ryan, feeling as generous as man wearing baby blue bell bottoms, offers to send somebody back to safety tonight. Diana, have a seat. Once again, you're the subject of our heartless fakeout. Just like last week!
Jon. John. Now, will they hold hands to support each other before the decision? We'll find out.after the break! Ryan, noticing a camera swooping over the stage, instinctively turns toward it and begins following it before his handlers rope him back to center stage.
We come back from our final break and the Jo(h)ns are indeed not holding hands. Ryan tells Jon PL. that if he leaves, we'll all miss his dancing. Then he tells John S. that if he leaves, we'll all miss.his class act. So.the next one to go is.Jon Peter Lewis! Ooh, wait, that shouldn't get an exclamation point. This is a somber moment. Jon Peter Lewis. Well, kid, time to put the name patch back on the shirt. We'll see you on the Bearcat Monday morning at seven.
Seacrest! Out! JPL! In! For one last performance. I mean, if there's ever been a time to turn it loose, this is it. I'm expecting him to toss his shirt in to the audience, then stage dive to get it back. JPL, playing it low, does a lap of the audience, then grabs his dad for a little dancing. And even an old, bitter, useless cynic like me has to admit it's a nice moment.
So that's that. One less Jon. Um, so.one less Jon. I don't really have anything to add to that. Oh! New email column coming Monday. Miss it, and consider yourself uncool.