After a bunch of hullabaloo on Monday, the American Idol Singing Spectacular Show was moved to Wednesday. And this after I made sure to return on Monday from my long weekend in Prague. They were singing in the streets of Prague on Saturday, friends! With Tuesday now being American Idle night, I spent my free time writing the intro to tonight's article. That extra time allowed me to come up with that amazing Idol/Idle bit, a joke that I'm definitely the first person to ever make.
The biggest question we face right now is, with the singing show coming on Wednesday and the resulting show coming on Thursday, what will Seacrest be wearing? Usually he goes for a dark suit Tuesday and a light suit Wednesday. Now, does he go light because that's for results or because it's for Wednesday? Maybe he'll wear a dark jacket with light pants tonight. But what does that leave for Thursday? I really can't wait to find out when the show starts. And.we have.Seacrest! In! It's light! In fact, with a pink shirt, it's really light. That handles the first part of our question. Tune in tomorrow to see what Seacrest wears next! Oh, and the results of Idol.
Moving on, Ryan tells us that he'll be our date for the next hour (Oh, you!) and that he's taking us to the movies. I have an ample supply of Hot Tamales and grape Mike n' Ike's, so I should be all set. Introducing the judges, Ryan tells us that Simon is wearing William Shatner's corset. Perhaps that's why Kirk's delivery was always so stilted. "This.thing.tied so.tight!" Ryan goes on the describe Randy's favorite film as "Old Yeller 2: The Revenge" and his favorite actress as Ellen Barkin. Oh, I get it. Dog jokes. How very droll.
Speaking of the movies, here's special guest judge Quentin Tarantino? So.should we expect some gun play? Maybe some in-depth conversation amongst the judges about pop culture minutia?
I wonder if somebody will sing Dick Dale's "Misirlou" in tribute to Quentin tonight. "Bum bum bah! Bum bah bah bah! Bum bah bah! Bum bah bah bah! Bwearrrrrrrrrrrrn! Dairn dairn dairn dairn der der dairn dairnnnnnnn!" Or maybe JPL can just come out and say "Whose chopper is this?" "Zed's." "Who's Zed?" "Zed's dead, baby. Zed's dead." and just walk off. That would be dyn-o-mite. Wait, that's a TV reference. Dag.
We got the lights, we got the cameras, now we need some action. Wheeee! First up tonight is George Huff, who loves "The Wiz." Did you know that "The Wiz" inspired George to try out for Idol? Somebody at People Magazine furiously scribbles that tidbit down for future use. George, wearing a shirt that I haven't seen since at least 1989, won't be doing the Huff Bounce tonight. No, this song is too serious. You know, I have to admit I've never seen "Against All Odds," but if this song is any indication of the film, I'm not missing much. You know, when George doesn't bounce, he, uh.basically just stands still. If you had the sound off, it would look like George is simply giving a dramatic speech. Always good to have a backup move, you know? Judges? Well, the judges didn't like it. And the audience doesn't like them. Boooooooo! Somewhere, Peter Gabriel is smiling because a Phil Collins song looked bad. Soo-soo-sseudio!
We're back and Seacrest is into the audience early tonight. Well, just to the judges table so far. He needs to test the water first. Now "ready for her closeup" (Puns aplenty!) is Jennifer Hudson. Jennifer's favorite movie is "Sister Act 2," which is something that even Whoopi Goldberg wouldn't say. Of course, she won't be singing a song from either "Sister Act." She's doing Whitney tonight. She has nothing! Nothing! If she doesn't have us. Now this, Randy liked. Paula falls into line with that. Quentin, enthusiastic even for a guy wearing puka shells, raves about it.
JPL is up third. One of his favorite movies is "Dead Poets Society." I once had a friend tell me that "Dead Poets Society" changed his life. I watched the movie and subsequently stopped talking to him. My pals can't be soft! JPL will be jailhouse rocking tonight. JPL doesn't let his Members Only jacket hold him back. Although I couldn't tell if his dancing was any good because the lights blinded me. It was like The White Stripes at The Grammys. Hey! Wait a minute! They're calling him JPL! Should I expect royalty checks for that? Randy, Paula and Quentin loved the frenetic movement and the spastic pointing and the little black dots they see on their eyes right now. But Simon says man, I don't know what's going on.
Now we have Diana DeGarmo, whose favorite movie is "Bowfinger." You know that big blue building Steve Martin visits toward the end? I live near that. If you don't remember, it's probably because your brain purged all recollection of that terrible movie. Seriously, "Bowfinger"? You'd think with the way she did her hair tonight, Diana would've picked "Glitter". Or.almost anything else, including a few Hungarian films. Hey, everybody loves Celine Dion, right? We could all go for hearing this song again, right? It's been a few years, right? Well, either way, here it is. My heart will go on! My song will be loud! Onnnnnnnnn! And loooooouuuuud! The judges give Diana credit for trying to sing Celine, which I think is actually roundabout criticism. Quentin really didn't care about it. I'm a Hollywood hotshot! Don't waste my time! Simon tells Diana that she's two years too old and three years too young.
Fantasia is up next. And she's taking us back to the '20s and '30s with her dress, hair and song. People seem to be reminiscing about Herbert Hoover lately, so this could be apropos. Fantasia's going to sit for this performance. Not on the standard barstool, but on the floor. This is a new one. And I like it! From here on out, this move will be called The Fantasia. Fantasia finishes her sit and the audience stands up. Although getting a standing ovation at Idol lately is about as tough as getting one during the State of the Union address. Randy proclaims it to be the best performance on Idol ever. Quentin tells her to get funky like Pam Grier. Simon calls it magical. Fantasia, now blubbering, hugs Seacrest, who shifts left to protect his pink shirt.
Jasmine's favorite movie is "Lilo and Stitch," perhaps one of the weirdest movies I've ever seen. Aw, c'mon, Jasmine! That pick is so stereotypical! I mean, what about "The Big Bounce" or "50 First Dates"? Or even "Blue Hawaii"? What about "Magnum PI: The Movie"? Those went down in Hawaii, too. Jasmine! Oh, wait. The Magnum Movie only happened in my imagination. And it was a blockbuster! The judges weren't so crazy about it and Simon says Idol isn't American Juniors. Frankly, if you ask me, nothing can ever be American Juniors again. Please.
Back from a break and Ryan is again trolling the audience. Hey, here's Mr. Ear Delicious himself, Neil Sedaka! Neil, how does it feel to have one of your songs #1 again? In case you're wondering, it feels good. John Stevens is up next. His favorite movie is "Aladdin," so naturally he'll be performing a song from "Casablanca" tonight. And I must say, I am shocked - shocked! - that John will be crooning an old tune tonight. Now if you'll bear with us, the busboy will refill your water immediately following his performance. I mean, that suit is white, baby! "A kiss is just a kiss. This is just John Stevens' best chance. He'd better not bloooooow.it." John sways and snaps his fingers, as he's wont to do,. The song comes to a classy close and Simon accuses John of having no charisma. John's reaction? Eh. Okay. Maybe one night Conan O'Brien should fill in for John. I'm sure nobody would even notice. "Man, John is so funny all of a sudden! What happened?"
Right before we finish, Ryan gives Quentin a chance to plug "Kill Bill: Volume 2", in theaters this Friday. Umm.I'm not sure how much crossover the Idol and Kill Bill audiences have. One features blood, guts, misery and revenge. And the other is a movie. Ha ha! Oh, I did it again! Didn't see that one coming at all, did you? La Toya's favorite film is Find ing Ne Mo. Hey! Fantasia already called that one! La Toya is wearing chain mail tonight. This medieval, protective look has proven quite popular this year. Maybe the kids feel vulnerable on stage. La Toya is performing a number from "West Side Story" tonight, although it's not "How do you solve a problem like Maria?" which is the only number I know from that movie. And frankly, I don't know if that song is even from "West Side Story." In fact, there's a lot I don't know. Like basic Roman numerals. Although I do know that La Toya has a pretty big voice tonight. Geez. Randy tells La Toya she was great and she just nods. Yes, I know. It was great. We all know.
As we're closing things out, we see a sign in the audience that asks "got idol?" that's it? That's the best you could do with a big piece of cardboard and a full marker? Two lousy words? No glitter or pictures or elbow macaroni or anything? Get out of my audience! Well, that's about it for today. We saw a bunch of songs, chatted about them, went "whoooo!" a whole bunch. Still, it feels like I'm forgetting something. Something.that completes my night. And life. Something.I need. What could it be? Ah, yes. Seacrest! Out!