Another Tuesday is here. Are you ready? No, I don't mean are you ready like you can just say, "Yeah, man, I'm ready." I mean, are you really, really extra super ready? Don't say it unless you mean it, because until you're actually ready I don't think we can get started here.
Waiting.waiting.okay, good. Let's go. The show only has four singers tonight and sixty minutes to fill, so we can expect either reams of footage of the kids attending premieres and getting rubdowns and whatnot, or two songs apiece.
Ryan teases the show opening and the audience is counting down. Or up. I can't really tell. "10! 9! 8! 9! 10! 4! 5! 4! 3! 2! 1! Rah!" The audience is seemingly packed with Anaheim Mighty Ducks fans looking to celebrate their upset win over the Stars, because many people have those silly sticks you bang together to cheer people on. I guess inflatable tubes are more aurally pleasing than two saucepots. That's the only explanation for the proliferation of these stupid things.
Hey! Celebrity sighting! Rickey Smith and Charles Grigsby - two guys I would call my "boys" - are front and center. Charles was so surprised to hear about Ruben being in the bottom two last week, his hat spun around to the side. And here come the kids! And here comes a lot of denim. Just on Ruben, I mean.
Tonight's theme is the music of the Bee Gees. Surely Andy Warhol is smiling down from heaven on tonight's proceedings. Assuming that he's not watching some French avant garde film channel. No word on who the guest judge might be, although using Billy Joel/Smokey Robinson night as a base, Steven Tyler is a good guess. But no, appropriately enough, an actual Bee Gee is sitting in tonight. Robin Gibb comes out to meet Ryan.
Some dude in the audi ence looks incredibly angry at these developments. Or maybe he's just Secret Service and has to stay focused. Whatever it is, he ain't smilin'. We see a retrospecticus on the Bee Gees. I wonder if their stunning success irks that other blond brother group, Hanson. I hope so, because that bratty little drummer drove me nuts. Ryan informs us that the Gibbs' music has been covered by everybody from N*Sync to Destiny's Child. Yes, that is quite a diverse list.
Josh is going to start things out with "Jive Talkin'." Josh wears a baking sheet around his neck. Add some swarthy chest hair and a Camaro and he's all set. Throughout the song, Josh implores the crowd to come this way with his right hand. Nobody budges, but that doesn't deter him. Traffic cops don't direct people forward this much. Randy liked the performance. Robin also liked Josh. So did Paula. Simon did not. That does not qualify as "news" per se. Josh then tells Ryan his energetic performance was all for the fans. Thanks, buddy!
We come back from a break - which is quickly becoming my catch phrase - and Ryan is in the audience between Ian Ziering and Tobey Maguire. Or at least two guys that sorta look like them. Ryan invites us to go back to 1967 and asks the woman next to him if she was alive back then. She says no and Ryan retorts with, "Are you sure?" Next time just say to her, "Man, you sure look bad for your age." I mean, here are the two things I know you never say to a woman: "How old are you really? Seriously?" and "Are you pregnant?"
Clay comes out for his song, and he's added an electric blue tie to his repertoire. The tie seems to give him magical performing powers, as he's really getting into the song and turning it out. The judges adored it, including Simon, who said it may have been the best performance he's seen in three seasons.
Kimberley Locke is next. She should've borrowed Clay's tie so they could be outfit twins. It seems that tonight BG stands for both "Brother Gibb" and "Black Garb." Even though Kim didn't grab Clay's tie, she did snatch Josh's mega medallion. Announce your shiny presence with authority! Kimberley shakes her stuff and gets into the song, which pleases all of the judges except for.sigh.Simon. Man, I'm sick of writing that. Of course, most people are sick of reading my frequently recycled bits, so whatever.
Later, Ryan is in the audience with two young fans that are banging their little inflatable noisemakers together. He asks the girl, "Would you like to bonk Simon over the head with these?" Her response? "Whoooo!" I mean, is Generation Y/Z so infatuated with the "whoooo!" that it's replacing all other forms of communication? People under 20 use the "whoooo!" like Hefty Smurf used "smurf."
Ruben is singing a song about K/Nights on Broadway. Is this a song about a musical involving Camelot, or a song about the nightlife in New York? I guess if I listened to the lyrics I could find out, but I'm too busy swaying and snapping my fingers to Ruben's smooth smoothness. Ruben wraps it up, and remember, the audience isn't saying "Boo!" They're saying "Roooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! B." And the judges are saying, more or less, "I love you so much, Ruben. Love you forever! Let's come up with a title for your first album!"
We come back from a break - buy the logoed t-shirt today! - and a little girl holds up a sign that reads, "Caitlin and Jessica" with an arrow pointing to themselves. Across the country, millions of little girls squeal, "Mommy! That girl is named Caitlin just like me!"
After that, Josh comes out to cover Clay's cover of the Bee Gees' song "To Love Somebody." I wonder if while Clay was digging himself out from that pile of praise earlier, Josh considered changing his second song to "New York Mining Disaster 1941." But Josh stuck with his original plan, countrifying the song and serving it up with hush puppies and some sweet tea, and it was quite nice. The sweet tea, I mean. But seriously folks, the judges really liked it. Except for Simon. Wait! No! Including Simon! Wow! What a development! What an overload of exclamation points! What a long, unnecessary joke that isn't funny! Oh my!
For his second ditty, Clay is doing the theme from Grease and wearing Michael Jackson's outfit from the "Beat It" video. The red jacket immediately inspires Clay to shake or pulse or thrust or something his hips. I can't really describe the movement except to say it was pure Clay. Maybe he got a sudden muscle cramp. After the song, we see "Clay's classmates." Isn't tonight a school night? Anyway, the judges loved Clay's singing. Although Simon completely hated the whole shebang, including the Beat It wear. The audience boos Simon like crazy and he says, "Shut up. I'm trying to talk." Awesome! It's like watching Ric Flair address a studio wrestling audience in the golden years. "Shut up! Shut up! Ravishing Ric Flair is talking, and I'm going to smash Dusty Rhodes! Whooo!"
Back from a break we come - trying some new material for once - and Ryan is in the crowd. Again. Behind him is a man who just came from a very important business meeting. He probably closed the deal, because he sure is fired up! "All right! The third quarter report is looking awesome! Whoooo!"
Kimberley Locke gets her second turn on the slide. She changed her outfit but kept the medallion. Maybe she uses it as a portable mirror right before going onstage. "Hair, check. Winsome smile, check. Undying love for the Jaded Journalist, check. Now go out there and knock 'em dead!" Kimberley was able to slough off Simon's barbs from earlier and turn in another good performance. I really believe it when she says her emotions are tying her up in knots! Oh, Kimberley, let me save you! The judges minus one really liked it.
Ryan tells us that Ruben is coming up next with the eighth song of the night and the fourth #1 hit of the night. Ruben busts out another newsboy hat for the tune. You know, I'd really like to see him in a Frank Sinatra porkpie number. Just once. Now that would look mad dope, as the kids say. I'm pretty sure that I own this same shirt Ruben is wearing, only mine looks like Ruben's was shrunk in the dryer. Ruben finishes up his song in his trademark fashion, closing his eyes, lifting his chin and curling his bottom lip over his teeth. I now call that move the "Rube Diggity." The judges loved Ruben, and Paula tells Robin that tonight's songs were maybe the best yet.
Sitting on his futuristic barstool, Ryan says, "I can tell by the looks on your faces you have a question." Yeah, that's right. What are you guys going to do with these remaining ten minutes? If they were smart, they'd bring out yours truly to read an excerpt from A Tale of Two Cities, but since I'm not writing this from Stage 36, we can safely rule that out. Ryan rounds out the show with some sponsor room frivolity, and we are all slightly amused.
Thus, yet another show has entered the books. Somebody will be cut tomorrow, and then Thursday comes after that, followed by Friday and I think you can figure out the rest on your own.