Well, this is the penultimate Wednesday, so I think we should all sit back and reflect a moment on how far we've come this year. Wow. Moving on, thank God it's almost over. My fingers hurt from all the typing. At an average of 6,500 characters per Recap, and this being the 35th Recap so far, I've made almost 2.3 million keystrokes this season, not counting all the typos I had to delete. Man, I am such a warrior!
The show begins and Seacrest wrestles himself away from a gaggle of screaming girlie pies and then thanks us for our energy. I guess he feeds off it like in Monsters, Inc. Ryan tells us that Justin and Tamyra are back, continuing the show's reunion jones.
Ryan then introduces us to Simon and his "man boobs." Apparently, the extra thirty minutes of show tonight are going to be filled with pure comedy. Then Ryan drops a bomb on me. Paula is swooning because of a new man. I know for a fact it's not me - despite what most of you think - so I am quite devastated to hear the news. I feel like Keanu in the "Rush, Rush" video, standing in the rain and begging for Paula to come back to me.
Then we see the kids. Ruben has blown out various parts of his Canadian tuxedo, but somebody patched them up before the show started. The velvet teddy bear is starting to look like he's been repaired a few times. Then we're shown what happened last night, which we've all seen already and (hopefully) read about in the Recap.
Now it's time for a "musical threesome." That's Ryan's poetry, not mine. Kimberley kicks things off, but is quickly joined by Clay in a Sonny Crockett suit and then Ruben in the aforementioned Patches outfit. This medley they're singing makes me feel like I'm in an elevator on the way to the dentist's office. Mellow. "KMLO. Slow songs, lite jazz and inoffensive chatter to get you through the workday. And now, a block of Jon Secada." After the song, Ryan allows a human amalgam of Woody Harrelson and Billy Zane to take us into the break.
We come back from said break.straight from Boston Public by way of American Idol... it's Tamyra Gray! Singing a song she sang last year and wearing Joseph's amazing technicolor dream dress.
Before the next break, we see another sponsor-related mini-film. But this one contains a shocking revelation. Clay needs to shave! I never would've guessed.
"Welcome back to the show. We're in the heezy for sheezy. And my shirt collar is so bleezy." Ryan is so down! And now.Justin Guarini and his acid-washed leather jacket! Justin explains how he and Kelly are in a new movie playing characters named Justin and Kelly which are not based on the actual Justin and Kelly. Then they sing and the movie ends. Ryan introduces Justin's new single, "Unchained Melody." Umm, Justin, I don't mean to burst your bubble, but the Righteous Brothers beat you to your single by 40 years. Hell, Clay beat you to it last night. It may not be "new," but it certainly is nice. He's oh-so-Justin! By the way, the guy who directed the Justin and Kelly opus last directed Firestarter 2, so expect J2K to be a non-stop roller coaster ride of action.
Back from another break and Ryan hustles over to his mini-golf podium. I guess he had to finish giving Clay his recipe for quesadillas. Before the results though, let's see if the kids are popular in their hometowns now. We start off accompanying Kim to Nashville. Sure enough, they hold a big assembly for her in a school gym. Then she does the tour of the morning zoo shows. Wacky! You know, when I went back to Pittsburgh last year, I didn't get any of this treatment. Heck, my parents didn't even stay in town. Said something about a free cruise that expired if they didn't use it that week. And although I did drop by my old high school, one of the teachers called the cops to report some weird guy pacing in the parking lot.
Kim Locke. Last night, the judges said you came here to win. So at least you understand the purpose of this show. Are you the one going home tonight? Well, you'll have to wait until later to find out. Ruben. Now we get to see your tour of the oft-mentioned 205. Naturally, Ruben is mobbed everywhere he goes. I think because he's easy to spot in a crowd. Especially with that big terry cloth sweatsuit. The judges loved Ruben last night, which is par for the course to use one clich out of the many available for use.
Clay. You went back home too. Just pointing something out here, all three finalists come from the south. People in Dixie like to say The South will rise again, and I guess they were finally right. Clay gets choppered into a Durham Bulls baseball game, where he's greeted by Crash Davis and Nuke LaLoosh. Clay waves to the fans, and Crash quickly tells him maybe that's not such a good idea, what with the whirling rotors overhead and such. He then throws out the first pitch. Clay, the judges heavily disliked your first song but liked everything else. What does all that mean? We can't tell you yet. So sit tight.
We come back from another break and Ryan holds up a card. But not just any card. The official American Idol card. Kimberley.(pause, pause, pause).please join me down here. Ryan congratulates Kimberley for making it this far. She should be proud of herself, etc, etc. It's starting to sound like a eulogy. Ryan then calls Clay down and gives him about the same treatment. Then he calls Ruben down. Um, couldn't we have just done this over on the couch?
Ryan explains that the show received 19 million votes last night and that less than a 4% difference separates our three vocal combatants. That's 760,000 votes for those of you not mathematically inclined. Or simply lazy. For more math, I've added another 5,300 characters to my total for the season with this Recap. I think I'm going to lose a fingernail soon. Moving on.
Kimberley.you're going home. We see Kimberley's farewell montage, and nary a trace of me is seen in it. So perhaps this "relationship" Kim and I have exists only in my fertile mind. Also up there, I am king of an Eastern European country, Jadonia. But a benevolent king loved by my people because of my low tax rates, emphasis on free public education and a good national park system.
So that's the fourth-to-last show, counting the new Monday special. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go see if J.S. Giguere can continue riding his magic train to Shutout City. I haven't seen a performance like this between the pipes since Patrick Roy led a very young Canadiens team to the Cup in '93. And I haven't seen a Minnesota team dominated on the ice like this since Super Mario and the Pens turned Jon Casey inside out in '91 on the way to their first Cup. Game on!