Time to start off the show with.what else?.the heavy intro from Melodramatic Mark. Last night, these nine were pulled back from the brink. The brink of not being on TV anymore! Oh no! Tonight, something else will happen. On American Idol! Dun dun dun! The dramatic intro has obviously become too much for Clay, who looks like he is enduring the onset of a heart attack.
Seacrest gets things rolling, just like he's done every Tuesday and Wednesday to this point. In fact, I don't know why I keep writing that. Maybe because I have nothing to say. One thing I can say is that I like is how Ryan took two prison denim shirts and made one super prison denim shirt out of them. But Ryan actually brings up a pretty good point here, and not just that you shouldn't wear two shirts at once. What's worse than being kicked off? Being kicked off twice! Imagine the double humiliation!
Also as usual, Seacrest hikes over to the judges' table just to see what's going on. Well, not much. We're all just kinda hangin' out, buddy! Although, there is one topic to discuss here and, in a radical change for this column, it's not me. No, it's Simon's abject misery last night. Why so glum, chum? Although we don't get to the root of Simon's depression, we do get photographic evidence of it in case we missed it last night. Here's Simon looking blue. Here's Simon looking sad. And here's Simon with a pacifier in his mouth. All of a sudden, I'm watching Blind Date. Where's Roger Lodge? Or Roger Mudd? Which one is which again?
Anyway, it seems that the source of Simon's recent long face is the executive producers of the show, aka, Simon's bosses. Which means that he really is like you and me, folks! Watch for next week when Simon comes out for the show wearing a Dilbert tie and toting an "I hate Mondays!" coffee mug. He's also not the first person to make fun of how his bosses talk, although he may have been the first to do it on national TV. "Roberts! I saw you making fun of me on Dateline last night! You're fired!" Thing is, this show was rated TV-G at the beginning, and now Simon has said "ass." Does that mean the rating will change mid-show? Will another box pop up soon? TV-PGDSLV or whatever?
But forget about Simon for now. There's eight more important people in the building right now. Here they are.my new eight best friends.the eight finalists! Charles! Julia! Kimberley! Ruben! You know, a few more weeks and Ruben might start running out of colors for his jerseys. Of course, if that happens, he can always borrow a couple from Vanessa. Golly, she's bright. She walks out and comes to a super spunky skidding stop! Surprisingly, Josh, who comes out next, doesn't repeat the move. Bringing up the rear is Corey, who again is always with the gum. That kid loves to chew, chew, chew!
The finalists go back into their holding pen and Seacrest joins their nine hopeful new buddies on the couch. Sitting with the Wild Cards, Ryan suddenly turns the show into a giant job interview in an attempt to weed out those who aren't deserving. "Trenyce, what's your biggest flaw?" "Well, sometimes I work too hard. I'm a bit of a perfectionist, you see." "Uh huh. And where do you see yourself in five years?" "Um, definitely upper management." "Well, you certainly seem like Brock and Brock material. We'll be sure to keep you in mind."
Finally, all of the purposeful plodding comes to an end and the time comes to sum up everybody's comments on Tuesday. Which, for most of these kids, is going to be quite unenjoyable. Yes, quite unenjoyable, indeed. So let's get started then! Aliceyn. Your comments were pretty good. And you look like.umm.why can't I figure out who she looks like? It's definitely somebody, though! Nasheka. Your comments were also pretty good. And you look like Rosie Perez, which was easy for me to figure out. Olivia. Your comments were not so good. And you look like a superhero's girlfriend. Janine. Your comments were really not so good. And you look like my future wife. I hope. Carmen. Your comments weren't that good. By now, everybody is sick of the "You Look Like." game, so I'll drop it. But with the judges' comments from last night, Carmen is definitely, definitely gone. Right? Right? Chip. Two judges liked you, one didn't. But 2 out of 3 is much better than 0 out of 3. Just ask Janine. Kim. Your comments were okay last night. And you look like.wait, that's been retired. Sorry. Clay. The judges loved you to death. It was all very well and good. Here's a driver's seat. Now sit in it.
Now before we get started on all the revealing, I would just like to point out that each person sitting on the couch tonight has a 44.4444444444444444444444444% chance of moving onto the finals. Which we could just round up to 45. Or, more correctly, round down to 44. Either way, it's a pretty good shot. Better than Vegas, I'll tell you that much, baby! Now be quiet, everybody! We're about to find out who America voted in! Ryan opens the card and it's.it's.apparently in really small type because Ryan needs his glasses. Even the judges can't make out the card. Why, we'll need to go to a break. Oh! The ol' card fake twistaroo magoo! Wow! They are really getting clever with this cliffhanging. A fake TV disaster. Maybe next week they'll send a riderless horse galloping across the stage right before Ryan reads that eliminated contestant.
We're back from the break, and Seacrest is still selling us on the card mishap. Okay, okay. You got us, we admit it. I'm sure it wasn't even your idea. Quit hogging the credit, credit hogger. Now that The Great Fakeout of '03 is behind us, it turns out that we're going to hear the judges' picks first. Ryan goes over to Randy and calls him "The Dog. D-A-double-G." So.you mean The Dagg? I'm confused. Anyway, how about Randy? Tell it to your peepers! I mean peeps! Randy explains he's making this particular pick because "This girl is dope." Isn't that an old New Edition song? "Mr. Telephone Man! There's something wrong with my line!" Randy's pick is.Kim! Hugs for all! To celebrate, Kim performs her song once more. During it, Simon claps like the whitest guy ever at a wedding. Like your Uncle Carl from Sheboygan or something. Of course, that's not as bad as Ryan, who is sitting cross-legged on the couch and tapping along to the beat like a businessman in a lounge at happy hour. This round's on me! I finally closed the McPherson account!
The time comes for another break. But before we leave only to come back again, let's take a look at the kids attending the Oliver Beene party on Monday. Hey, you know what? Oliver Beene premieres this week! What a happy little coincidence! By the way, the best part of that party by far is that I was there. Of course, they didn't show me. Where's my run? My pub! My love!
Back from another break. Paula tells Simon to apologize to the producers for his deplorable behavior earlier. Man, a storm is a-brewin' here. What if Simon just up and walks off the show? Then what? Trouble, that's what. Trouble, I say! Before Paula makes her pick, she compliments the mystery person for about 20 minutes straight. Man, I wish she would say this many nice things about me. But the nicest thing she's ever said about me is "No comment." After the compliments crawl to a close, Paula offers us her pick. Trenyce! Whee!
Now it's Simon's turn to make a pick. First, Ryan reads back a list of Simon's quotes from the last show. To save time here, they were all bad. I'm sure the kids are loving sitting there hearing it all back once more. "Tell me again why I'm bad! Please!" Before making his pick, Simon says sometimes he makes mistakes. I wonder what that's like? I never make mistaks! Nevre! Simon says he's going to take a risk with his pick, which I guess means he's going to spin around on a wheel blindfolded while somebody throws knives at him when he makes his pick. While discussing said risk, the kids all begin to consider death a viable alternative to the excruciating wait of hearing the results. And Simon's pick is.Carmen? The Carmen on this show? Really? Carmen? Umm.shocker, anybody? Maybe they said all that stuff about her the night before to throw the scent off the trail. Or something. I dunno. But good for Carmen!
Now. The person that America selected as the 12th finalist. The card comes and Seacrest signs for it in a cute little bit. Really. I liked it. I realized I've dug myself this sarcasm hole, so now I have explain in detail when I'm being serious. Damn this life I've created for myself! And the card says.time for the break! Oh! Another card fake out! Two in one show! The hilarity, the tension and the odds of Clay falling over dead before the show ends all rise! And we'll be right back.
Okay, we're back. Now we're definitely, definitely going to find out, right? I guess. We'll certainly find out in a second. Which might be too long for Clay. Right now he looks like a guy with a bad hangover on cross country bus ride. "Ohhhh. Not so bumpy, please. I had it rough last night." On the other side, Olivia is completely resigned to leaving. In fact, she looks like she wants Ryan to pick up the pace so she can catch a plane tonight.
Ryan finally begins to read the card. Not a single kid is looking at him. Paramedics at the edge of the stage stare intently at Clay, ready to spring into action. And the last finalist is.Clay! Whew! That really averted disaster. Oh, and he deserved it. So good for him. Although on Tuesday, the judges said Clay is looking better every week. You figure that's bound to hit a hit eventually, right? Unless he has the new, high-tech Patrick Duffy face transplant surgery. "Look like Patrick Duffy! In only 30 minutes!" Maybe when he's finally decided he's hit his peak lookswise, he'll wear the exact same outfit the following week and add a ring to one of his fingers.
Judges, give us one last comment, why don't you. Going to the stage, Simon lets Paula go first. What a perfect British gentleman! The judges offer good, sensible advice. Although my advice would've been, "Please make sure you do something ridiculous each week, because I'm running out of things to point out."
So Clay, Trenyce, Kimberly and Carmen all join the finals, exactly as predicted in the last recap. Which makes me a perfect 12 for 12 so far this season! Wow! I have really got the magic working. Of course, the saddest part is that my dear, dear Janine is heading back home, where her cloying accent doesn't stick out at all. Or, as she would lovingly say, "at aw-oll." Janine, if you ever need any consoling, I'm the tall, devilishly handsome fellow that's been following you around everywhere lately. I'll always be there for you, Janine!