Let's just state up front that tonight is a very big night. Although I guess all Wednesday nights are big now. Relatively, at least. Some things are bigger than this and some are smaller. Which is exactly what relativity is. You're welcome for the lesson, which I'm sure you greatly appreciate. If you haven't skipped past it already.
Anti-fun Andy (That's the official low point of alliterative names, folks. I'm tapped.) starts things off with his normal dramatic introduction. "Ten are left. Tonight, we eliminate another contestant." So, we're not calling off the show, then? Good to know. Seacrest bounds out to get things officially underway, and he has a picture of the cycle race from TRON stitched onto his jacket. Futuristic! Fifteen years ago. And I think he's wearing the pinstriped pants we saw a few weeks ago. Apparently, the show's wardrobe budget has been strained by the two extra finalists this year.
Time to meet the judges! Paula has come straight from an important business meeting, and she looks office hot tonight. Exec-u-sexy! Behind her, somebody holds up a sign that reads, "We Vot Kimb". Huh? Is that German for "We will win"? Oh. There's a second sign. It reads, "ed For erly." I don't know who this Ed is, but when you put those signs together like Voltron, they form an ubersign which boasts, "We Voted For Kimberly." Well, good for you then!
For those of us out there who can't make sense of Randy's "dudes" and "dawgs" and "blams" and "yo," Seacrest is going to read us some lines from the Randy Jackson Dictionary, which proudly dons a picture of Nerd Randy on the front. I imagine that was taken when he worked for JPL in '73. Ryan reads a few entries and translates Randyese for us. It's quite humorous. Really. I've got nothing to say about it. For the first time, I'm amused by something besides myself. Remarkable!
Time to meet the kids! They're all here. For at least another 50 minutes. They all take turns complimenting each other and declaring everyone else to be the best from last night. "I love you! You're the best!" "No, you're the best!" "Okay, that's fine. But you're the best!" Then Seacrest shows us the highlights from last night, which I already discussed last night, so let's move right along, little doggies.
Time for a group performance! And time to find a new way to start paragraphs! But first, time for a group performance! The kids are going to serenade us with "Where The Blacktop Ends," which doesn't really lend itself to serenading. It lends itself more to blitzed karaoke at 1am. There's lots of yee-hawing at the beginning from the kids. You know, these country yokel stereotypes are so offensive! And so true. On another note, we're listening to a country song and looking at a psychedelic backdrop behind the singers. Nothing incongruous about that. By the way, how about that big word, huh? Gosh, I'm smart!
After the song, Ryan sits on the edge of the stage, even though his future age stool is right behind him. Man, that guy will sit anywhere! He's famous for that! Speaking of sitting, Burt Bacharach is back! A rack. The Idol youngsters and Burt cover "We Are The World" for charity. Or something. I dunno. I went to get a soda during this part. Somebody email me and tell me what I missed. Or don't. I'm fine either way.
Time for another Q&A session! Oh wait. I'm starting paragraphs differently now. Uh.think! Think!
It is time for another Q&A session. Somebody asks Kimberley the difference between Los Angeles and Tennessee. Uh, I would start off with "everything." Anybody else? Anybody? Questions? Yes, you. The person sitting right next to the first person I talked to. This strategically placed person asks Simon who he would kick off a stranded boat, Paula or Randy. Simon uses this opening to break out his patented cannibalism material. It always kills! Get it? Cannibalism? Kills? Oh, mercy! Although I must admit, I always thought Gallagher was the one and only king of cannibalism humor. But once again, I've been proven wrong when it comes to Gallagher.
At this point, we see footage of Kimberly and Josh out in the desert. I hope their motorcycle breakdown didn't prevent them from rehearsing this week.
Back from the break, and Ryan begins to talk about how people wait outside for tickets. Which is better than waiting inside for tickets, because once inside, you don't need tickets. Two geniuses behind him hold their sign upside down. Five dollars worth of glitter and glue, an hour to make the thing and they hold it upside down. Their big moment on TV and they blow it. Here's a helpful hint, kids. After you make your sign, draw a big arrow on the back with "This side up." That way you can't miss! Anyway, let's see what it's like outside.
Well, it's crowded. No wonder I have so much trouble getting inside to cover this thing each week. Or it might be because I've been blacklisted. Ryan offers two tickets to three young girls and tells them to figure it out. They are absolutely flummoxed trying to do the math on that one. After a few moments of silence, one belts out, "Whoooo!" Great brain process there.
Time for another group performance! (Sick of this yet? Really? Not yet? Okay.) Anyway, this is a serious and patriotic moment. I'm not touching it because I'm not heartless. Or a Commie.
More commercials end. Let's get to the good stuff! Although I must admit I got to the good stuff two lines into the Recap. The rest is just filler. Filler, filler, filler, filler, filler, filler, filler, filler, filler, filler, filler, filler, filler, filler, filler, filler, filler. Filler.
Kimberly Caldwell, you were great last night and the judges loved you. So naturally you're in the bottom three tonight. Hello, shocker! Haven't seen you around here in a while. Ruben, you're great and you're safe and you're wearing another grampa hat tonight. Clay, everybody thought you were great except for Simon. But he doesn't vote so you're fine. Julia, you had some plusses and minuses. One definite minus was your vote total. You're in the bottom three. Josh. You know, if Josh gets cut during country week, I think that would qualify as meta-irony. But he's safe. Kimberley Locke, the extra "e" in your name has kept you safe again. Trenyce, you hated yourself last night. But you're safe. And I always admire self-loathing in other people. I hate it in myself though. I'm so stupid! Rickey.whoa! Carmen! The old order switch when I wasn't looking! Crafty! Well then, obviously Carmen is safe and Rickey and Corey have to sit still until after the break. I'm sure Corey's beehive hat will help him get through this tough time.
We're back and Rickey wishes we weren't. He rounds out the bottom three this week. If you're wondering where to go, Rick, just look for Julia. She's usually over there. This isn't so good for Rickey. But at least he got to hug two chicks. Judges, what do you think of America's unpicks this week? Randy no like, Paula no like, but Simon like because he no like on Tuesday night. Hey, you know what? Let's throw one of these kids a life raft, whaddaya say, everybody? "Yeah! Yeah! Do it!" Okay. Rickey, head back over to the couch. You're safe.
So that leaves us with Julia and Kimberly. Hey, at least they were able to meet up this time. That's more than we can say for that time in the hotel lobby. I think that moment really brought them together. Of course, they have a few more minutes to bond during this next break.
Buh nuh nuh-nuh. We're back. That was the theme music there, by the way. Catchy, isn't it? Even when you read it. Julia has a slight look of resignation on her face right now. Or maybe she's just trying to remember if she packed all of her stuff back at the mansion. Hopefully she didn't forget anything, because she's the one heading home this week.
Julia thanks her family and friends for everything. I think she's the first person to ever do that. She launches into one last performance, and I think it might be the best one she's done yet. Great timing. In the audience, we see a young girl welling up with tears for Julia. God! Don't show me that! It's too heartwrenching! Oh, great. Now I'm blubbering too. My heart has grown three extra sizes this day.
Kimberly obviously wasn't expecting to cry tonight, or she might've gone for the waterproof mascara. But it's a nice show of support for Julia.
So that's that, and that's that! Until next week, I say adieu! Which is "goodbye" in French. You always learn something in this article, folks!