It's time. Time for a dramatic intro! Not this one, the one on the show. One by one, their hopes are dashed by your votes. I hope that makes you people feel good about yourselves. Sending one of these poor kids home each week. Have you no heart?!? Ryan comes out to kick things off in his St. Patrick's Day outfit. Two days after the fact. In building the stakes for tonight's show, he mentions that somebody's going home, even though they all want the fame and the "fwah gruh." Clay turns to Kimberley and asks, "What is that? Is that anything like hush puppies?"
Ryan introduces the judges, only this might be the show he finally wishes he didn't. You see, somebody - Randy is taking the credit for it tonight - dug up some pictures from Ryan's past. Here's Ryan playing baseball and doing his impersonation of a beaver. And here's a high school portrait of an entirely different person. Wait. You don't think.is it possible that Ryan isn't a natural blond?! No! The illusion has been shattered!
Since we have plenty of time tonight, Ryan heads over to the contestants for a little chat. "Ruben, what do you think about.things? And stuff?" Then Ryan calls Ruben a velvet teddy bear. It's Mount Saint Smooth! I thought I made that clear! Maybe I shouldn't have patented that name. People might be more willing to use it if they didn't have to pay me a quarter each time.
Ryan asks Josh if a country crooner can manage his way through disco night next week, and Josh proves it by singing country disco. God, I hope he comes out next week in a crisp white leisure suit and a 10-gallon Stetson. That would just about make my life. Then it's time to see what happened last night. Which, of course, we all saw already and read about in the last recap. So let's progress!
Time for a group song! With a gumball backdrop! It makes me want to get loose! Footloose! Josh starts off the song pretending he can't decide between Carmen and Kimberly. Um, Josh can sing, he can carry a 50-pound sack long distances and he can wake up at 5:30am with no trouble. Please don't tell him I said that. Seriously. I like living pain free. And into the crowd we go! Although he's part of the audience and was once part of the show, J.D. Adams is not part of the medley.
Back from a break, and Ryan says he'll be heartbroken to have to kick somebody out of the giant house they've been given for free. Speaking of said house, here it is. Again. Wow! It has a ping pong table! Clay doesn't want to get near the pool. It must be because he's afraid of messing up his hair. Because that pool is about three feet deep. Then we get a little BBC-style humor inferring that Keith has snuck into the house. I wonder if that kid is still watching the show at this point. I think it's more likely that he's curled up into a ball, drinking himself into a stupor.
Ryan heads into the audience for a little Q&A session. The first person Ryan solicits for a completely natural and unrehearsed question is sitting in a chair with a sign that reads, "Kim Caldwell's family." This should be impartial. Ryan next approaches his hair twin and tells him, "You're stiffer than I am." Fans of double entendres everywhere go wild! Behind the Spiky Boys, a sign in the crowd inquires, "Am I Fat, Simon?" I'm sure Simon isn't the only person who could answer that question. Then Simon faces off with Josh in an old-fashioned pushup battle, which is how many land disputes were settled in the Old West. Then Simon's mum is curious to know what became of the kids from last season. Well, here's a pre-arranged piece that might be a help.
Kelly, Justin and Tamyra are working on albums and acting. Christina was on TV with Regis. Christina is definitely a star, because she carries a yappy little dog around in a bag, and that's how you tell women are famous. Ryan Starr is still billing herself as a "designer" and not a "clothes cutter," although I am billing myself as "still in love with her and holding out hope," so who am I to point fingers? EJay and little Jimmy Verraros are conspicuously absent from the piece.
Time for another group song! Josh gazes into Carmen's eyes as he sings. I hope his wife doesn't run up to the stage and yell, "Get off my man!" It's just an act! They're not actually in love! Ruben still doesn't wander into the audience. Maybe they're afraid he'll knock over the people on the aisles. Before the break, it's back to the mansion for a little pool party.
Finally, the time comes for the results. Or at least the start of the results process. The actual result is still about 20 minutes off. Each kid is going to hear what they heard last night. Ryan stands at a little podium like the ones they have at miniature golf courses so you can write your score down.
Josh, you got pretty good remarks last night. You're safe. Trenyce, you're great and you're safe. Rickey, you got some great comments last night, and some great vote totals. You're safe. Julia, things were not so good last night. And so far tonight. You probably remember where the bottom three stand from last week, so head on over. Clay, everybody loved you last night and lots of people voted for you. Safe! Kimberley, you had the good stuff last night. You're safe. Ruben. Last night.ah, why waste time? You're safe. Kimberly, you heard both good and bad last night. Tonight, your hair looks like ramen noodles. But you're still safe.
Charles. Carmen. Corey. Wouldn't you like to see a commercial break right about now? And.we're back. Charles, last night you were okay. Carmen, last night you were okay. Corey, last night, you were okay. But only one of them is truly okay, and that one is.Carmen!
So Julia, Charles and Corey form tonight's Triumvirate of the Not So Good. Judges, how about it? Paula is surprised to see Corey and Charles up there. Which probably makes Julia feel swell. Simon calls Corey's performance diabolical. So Lex Luther probably loved it as he watched from the Metropolis City Jail. Ryan is a giving person, so he's going to let one person off the hook. Julia, you're okay. She was in the bottom two last week and the bottom three this week. If she can keep this trend alive, she's going to win this thing!
And.we're back! Again. But next week, Charles won't be. He's heading home. So, once again, The Wiz drags down a career. Well, at least Charles has a job lined up in this tough economy. Although he won't have time to get revenge on Josh for Pool Incident '03.
Wait.what's this strange feeling in my heart? It's weird. Is this.sadness? Is this what everybody talks about? I think it might be. I really liked Charlie. I.maybe.uh.I don't know how to react to this feeling. I think I have to go away for awhile and collect myself.
Charles gets one last chance to perform before catching the red eye. "You can't win." He sure got that right.