After last night's 120-minute marathon, we need to keep it short tonight and let these kids begin their weekend. Whooo! Four day weekend! Starting things off tonight is a good ol' super serious and meaningful introduction from No Joke Nathan. (All right, I'm out of names for him, I admit it. Alliteration is harder than it appears!) Since our baritoned friend was AWOL last night, I guess it's safe to assume he only works Wednesdays. When the stakes have been raised! That is a sweet work schedule, by the way. Where can I sign up for that?
As our man dramatically drones on about the very near future, we swing past a line of people. I assume those are the kids, although it's hard to tell with the dim lighting.
Seacrest comes out to start the show, and he's looking sharply casual. No bright colors, no wacky, too tight t-shirt, nothing for me to really talk about here. So let's move on, shall we? We meet the judges, as we do twice every week, and Simon seems to be absolutely radiant tonight. Whatever he did during the afternoon before the show, we should all do and do frequently. It must be great!
Ryan points out that the contestants inspired about 13.25 million votes. Shoot, that's more than Panama gets. And the winner there gets to be el presidente. Which I'm sure could also come with a recording contract if you really wanted it to. To see what got people up and voting so much, we're taken through a recap of last night's show. Of course, you probably watched it Tuesday night, so you don't need to hear about it again. But.if you already watched it, you know what happened. So.these recaps are completely unnecessary. So.I'm wasting my time. And if you didn't see the show, you won't get any of these references. So.I'm wasting my time. Dear God! I'm trapped in a circle of doubt!
We come back from the clips of last night, and Ryan has missed his mark on the stage and ended up in the audience. Ryan is actually in the audience because they needed to clear out space for the upcoming giant group performance. A 12-person group? It's like Tower of Power is up there! They should devise a snappy name for this group. Something like The Cincinnati 12. Only better. Of course, we'll have to rename the group after tonight to something like The Boston 11, so maybe we shouldn't even bother in the first place.
Now that the fun is over, it's time to line the kids up on the couches and reveal their respective fates to them. Cliffhangingly fun! Here's how it works: everybody will be reminded of what the judges said to them last night. Even if they don't want to hear it. The bottom three will be singled out as being the bottom three. After a couple of commercial breaks, we'll find out who is no longer Idollicious. Got it? Good, get it!
Ruben, last night everybody on the planet loved you. Even me in a totally cool, understandable kinda way. You're safe this week. Vanessa, last night things didn't turn out so well for you. And so far, they aren't tonight either. You're the first third of our bottom three. Clay, last night everybody thought you were just plum terrific. Except for Simon. But you're still safe this week. Kimberly Caldwell, you were good last night and you're good tonight. Rickey, you were good last night and you're good tonight. Thanks for tuning into Best of Jaded, reruns of some of my finest moments. Rickey is ecstatic to find out he's okay this week, and duly celebrates. I wonder if he'll feel bad in a second for rubbing it in.
Julia, you had an up and down night Tuesday. But at least you got to use your retort to Simon no matter what he said. Please don't take a bow, because you're the second third of our bottom three tonight. Trenyce, you were marvelous last night so you're safe. Corey spun around in circles last night, so he's definitely safe.
Man, it is taking forever to get through all these people! We need another two-hour show just so we can rehash all of the comments from the first two-hour show. It's an endless loop! Okay, back to the show. Carmen. Kimberley. Kimberley. Carmen. As you probably figured out by your positions on the couch, one of you is not good enough. And the one of you that wasn't good enough is.going to be revealed after this break! Ah, you all saw that coming. Who are we kidding?
You know, the attendance of the judges tonight is pretty much a mere formality. I'm assuming they're only here so they don't get a day docked from their paychecks. Which I always find is a terrific reason to show up for work. And we're back! Not better than ever. But back. Ryan informs that, "Two people were in agony over the break. Carmen and Kimberley." Um, what about Vanessa and Julia? I'm sure they weren't having the greatest time in the world either.
So.Kimberley, you weren't at your best last night. Although I certainly was. The 3/11/03 Recap might go down in comedy history! Carmen, you were so good Simon patted himself on the back for making you his Wild Card pick. And if Simon is congratulating himself, you know it must be good. So Kimberley, you'll be the final slice in tonight's bottom three pie.
Judges, what do you think about all of this? Well, Randy and Paula can see where the voters are coming from. Simon thinks five people should be in the bottom three, but unfortunately the show couldn't work out the logistics on that one. But if it has to be three and only three, he thinks America got it right. Hey! Good job, everybody! Since the bottom three couldn't be the bottom five, let's let somebody off the hook and make it the bottom two, whaddaya say? Kimberley, you will live another day. And you'll also be on the show next week. She's so excited to hear the news she jumps into Ryan's arms. Careful, darlin'. He doesn't look like the sturdiest guy in the world.
Now that it's down to Vanessa and Julia, let's go to a break so they can think about what they've done. And we're back! Which can't be much of a surprise considering that.Vanessa, you're going home. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wasn't that kind of fast? Where's the buildup? The suspense? The chance to say, "Man, this time it is definitely.?" Does Ryan have a late reservation to get to?
Well, regardless, there's no more Vanessa on the show. A fact so surprising that Julia was unable to prevent the upset crying face she had prepared during the break from coming out. Let's all take a look back at Vanessa's trip on American Idol. It's pretty much the same taped piece from Tuesday night, but I won't discuss it further because I don't want to bring up the whole circle of doubt thing again. Too nervewracking! Vanessa tells us that we haven't seen the last of her.
Vanessa ends her brief, but glorious reign with one last song. Ah, I love Vanessa! She's a peach with strawberry hair! So that's it. Another week in the books. Now let's all start resting up for next Tuesday. We need to be focused, people!
By the way, do you like how I nailed another prediction? My solid gold pick of Not Ruben came through with flying colors, so I'm still batting 1.000. I'm so dang awesome!