Tonight is a very big show, indeed. That's right. I said indeed, and I'm not even British! Who knows what I could do next! Anyway, tonight is the first night we'll vote and break six out of eight hearts, so please, let's take this seriously. To help set a serious tone, Dramavoice Dave returns to narrate the opening. "50,000 hopefuls tried out. Only 234 made it through." You know, that's a pretty terrible rate of return. (Note: steal Enron accounting joke from Leno monologue and place here.)
Seacrest comes out to start the festivities, and he's wearing dress pants with sneakers in an early Letterman sorta vibe. He's also grown a beach mullet since the auditions. The mullet adds a kind of Pabst panache to the proceedings, but that's still too much hair frosting for any guy. Or even any hundred guys.
Walking us through the new features of the set, Ryan points out that they now have cameras everywhere. Including a skycam in case.well, they have a skycam now! Following his rundown of the show's stat sheet, Seacrest makes fun of the judges for needing more exposure. That's an interesting angle for a guy who pulled down Kathy Griffin's shirt while presenting at an awards show. Randy points out that Ryan is alone this time around. Is somebody missing? I hadn't noticed. Simon hopes that Ryan can keep the show together. I hope that Ryan can keep his shirt together. It looks like he and Simon made a bet backstage to see who could make their shirt the openest. And Simon takes the early lead!
Also new this year is the "Family Couch," which I have cleverly dubbed the "Couch of Families." I'm not so sure about this idea. I don't know if having the family around will help. Maybe I'm skeptical because my mom is sitting on the couch as I write this and she keeps shouting out bad jokes. "Simon's shirt is more open than a barn door! Use that!" Great. Big help. She has the comedy chops of a Laffy Taffy wrapper.
The kids have arrived back in L.A., and they're immediately tossed into the media whirlpool. Interviews! Photo shoots! Adulation! It must all be exhausting, because J.D. seemingly fell asleep standing up during the photo shoot. Or maybe he just closed his eyes to look deep.
Onto the singing! Kimberly Caldwell is up first. Kim says that she works for her cousin and she's broke. If this Idol thing doesn't work out for her, she can always come work for me. She can join the four-person staff that sorts my fan mail. During Kim's song, a waterfall pours down behind her. I feel like doing some cliff diving!
The judges love Kimberly. Kimberley? Kimberlee? There are a lot of Kims this season. Kimms? Help! Kim gets back into the Red Room and is pretty "outgoing" and "fun." "Yay! I did good! Everybody love me!"
Back from the break, and Ryan is on the couch with Patrick Fortson. Ryan shows us a cassette Patrick made as a kid. Anybody younger than 14 watching the show right now wonders what the hell Ryan has in his hand. "What is that? A rectangular CD? An old-fashioned iPod? I've never seen such a thing."
Patrick gets out there, and his performance is further proof of why a guy should never sing a song originally performed by a woman. It just ends up weird and overemotional. Uncry these tears I cried so many nights? Guy, you're a guy. Get tough. Randy isn't blown away by the singing. Simon despises the outfit. I knew Patrick should've gone with white dots on a black background instead. It was so obvious! Or maybe it was the gunslinger's duster down to the knees Simon had a problem with.
Patrick's big dad comes out to.well, I dunno. Threaten? Show off his good taste in suits? Mr. Patrick says that when they sell $30 million worth of albums, they can fix the outfit then. I think Patrick the First is maybe skipping from Point A to Point ZZZZ. Simon says that with a bad outfit on the cover, nobody will buy the album. I guess Simon has never seen one of Poison's records.
Next up is J.D. Adams. His hair constantly looks like he just got out of the pool. J.D. says he hopes to do the family name proud. I would venture that helping found a democratic nation is more important than winning a talent contest, but I've always been a big picture kind of guy. On another note, one more presidential reference and J.D. will have officially crossed over into Jim Verraros "Bleeding the family angle dry" land.
J.D.'s all black outfit blends right in with the cosmic background. He's a floating head! His singing is okay. Paula liked him a lot and Randy was impressed. Simon liked the look but not the singing. A reverse Patrick, I call it. Simon and 13-year old girls are dying for J.D. to win this thing, but he's not off to a good start. So far, being president of the United States is still the best Adams family accomplishment.
Trenyce is next. She's wearing those ubiquitous stained jeans. The ones that make you look like you constantly rub your thighs. I don't get this look. But I guess I don't get a lot of things. "Like women!" says my wacky best friend, Cliff. Whoooooooo! I'm sorry. For a second there, I thought my life was a sitcom.
I think Trenyce's singing is good and I like her performance. Let's see if I know what I'm talking about. Judges? Randy liked it. Simon hated the song, but really liked the performance. And Paula loved it. Yes! Score one for me! Oh, and good for Trenyce too, I suppose.
Moving right along, Meosha takes her turn. Maybe if she makes the finals, she can land a guest spot on "Moesha." Is that show still on? Could anybody answer that question? Meosha comes out wearing A.J. Gil's hat. She obviously isn't as nervous as Trenyce, because her jeans don't look as rubbed. Do they even sell normal jeans anymore? Meosha is pre-med in school, so she's either going to be a singer or a doctor. Hmm. She's sounding more like a doctor right now. Paula and Randy aren't that impressed. Simon is actively unimpressed. Meosha heads back into the Red Room, where she's smothered with a mass hug. Somebody shouts out, "You're a winner!" Apparently, they're a little sketchy on the definition.
Bettis is up next. He hopes he doesn't burp, fart or trip. Unfortunately, that rules him out of a cameo role in Old School. The front and back of his shirt seemingly come from two different countries. Or at least two different shirts. And what material are those pants made of? Can you iron them? Bettis busts out his best boy band moves, but he needs Meosha's fedora so he can rip it off and whip it offstage like a Frisbee. That's the patented boy band move!
Time for the judges' comments, and Randy starts off very chipper. Hey, Bettis! Buddy! Then the hammer drops. "I couldn't wait for it to end." Oh.I see. Paula was not impressed. Simon thinks he blew it. Succinct. During the press junket at the beginning, Bettis said he had been interviewed so many times he was running out of things to say. I don't think that will be a problem for him anymore. Bettis' sister doesn't care what the judges say, Bettis rocks!
Back from another break and Charles Grigsby is up. Grigsby would be a good name for a hobbit. Charles' friends call him "Patchy McDenim," and you if look at his outfit, you can see why. Charles gives a solid performance and the judges all agree that they are pro-Charles people. Simon finds it necessary to answer Bettis' sister as to how they could possibly be criticizing the people they've selected for the final 32. You see.and we'll go slow here.they haven't been as good tonight. Bettis' sister still doesn't care. Bettis rocks!
Julia went out and got brand new hair for tonight, so this is obviously a big moment for her. She also continues tonight's trend of the girls growing flowers out of their necks. Spring fashion! Paula liked Julia's performance, but Randy wasn't amazed. Simon was okay with it, and points out again that the kids really don't - or shouldn't - root for each other. The kids respond with another group hug. "We're all winners! Rah!"
Back on the couch, the DeMatos have turned out in force. You know, I had no idea Julia's sister was Isabella Rossellini. She should've signed up for "Joe Millionaire." Then her sparkling personality could've really shined through. Speaking of which, there he is. Cross promotion! Evan comes out and does nothing but show his face and clap on cue. Was this planned out three seconds in advance? "Okay, go out there and.uh.just don't knock anything over." He looks like he got lost and wandered onto the wrong set. By the way, I really hope Seacrest and Evan are going out drinking after the show. That would be some phenomenal chatter!
The show comes to a close, and to continue my amazing record of predicting the wrong people every week, I'm going to make some picks here. I think Charles was the best tonight and everybody else tied for second. Or last, depending on how you look at things. So tomorrow it'll be Charles and.uh.um.need a name.Trenyce! Charles and Trenyce will be moving on tomorrow. Which means they'll definitely be heading home. Sorry, kids.
So there you have it! The shortest recap yet! Which some jerks would say means it's also the best yet. Why do you people hurt me?