Okay, here we go! We're all super excited! At least if you had four cups of coffee this afternoon like I did! Yes! More sugar, please! It's Wednesday, and that means Dramatic Dan does not have the night off. Bum-bah! "Tonight.it's Wednesday! Which means.drama! Find out who's history!" Bum-bah! Speaking of history, did you know Marines used to be called "leathernecks?" You see, in the olden days, they would protect their necks with leather when storming a ship so their melons wouldn't be lopped off by enemy swords. What's that have to do with anything? Well, Joshua is a Marine, so there's your link, however tenuous.
After tonight, we - meaning you - will have selected eight of our finalists. We're almost home! Don't quit on me now, dammit! Going across the dimly lit lineup, we notice a couple of things, even in the dark. Corey is wearing a sweet Mushmouth hat, and Patrick didn't even bother fixing up his hair tonight. He might be in a funk after what the judges told him yesterday. I know when people criticize this column as "superfluous," "pedantic," or "patently unfunny," I get so bummed out I don't shower for a week. Which, of course, leads to more criticism from those around me.
For tonight's emceeing effort, Seacrest has opted for a neon shirt. That's been turned inside out. And somebody ironed on "Beauty Qualifies Me" to the front. Is that a political statement? And qualifies you for what? Hosting a show, I guess. You'd think Ryan would've been able to see this outfit clearly with his new glasses, so maybe he wanted it all this way. And I say, good for him! Listen to your heart!
Strolling over to the judges, Ryan turns the show into an episode of Cribs by talking about the "bling bling" like all the kids are saying these days. Simon sounds like my grandpops trying to join in the conversation. "What's a.bling.bling, is it? Ah, you damn kids are crazy these days."
The time comes for our weekly recap of the night previous. They don't have time to read a three-page article on the air, so a simple video montage will have to suffice. In general, Simon didn't like anything last night, except for Josh and Corey. Paula and Randy weren't thrilled by anything last night, except for Josh and Corey. And Josh and Corey were the only two contestants to not yell at the judges for daring to criticize their performances. All in all, it was a good night and one that we'll always remember. At least until next Tuesday.
The kids are carefully arranged on the studio furniture, and Ryan is with them. I wonder what Juanita really thinks about Simon. "I love Simon." Except when he talks bad about me, she continues on. Well heck, I think you could say that about just about anyone. Ryan asks Patrick if he would change his look for the contest. "Patrick, would you mind selling out? Maybe a little Vanilla Ice action." If he was drinking something at the moment, he may have sprayed it in Ryan's face for his answer, because rock 'n' roll is here to stay, dude! Owwww!
Now, before we get too deep into the show, let's harken back to last year. Or at least to Justin and Kelly. Ryan implores us to head over to idolonfox.com - the greatest website in the whole, wide world! - to vote for our favorite movie poster for the upcoming Justin and Kelly popcorner. My personal favorite is the one with Justin and Kelly running towards us away from a giant, explosive fireball, but please, feel free to vote for whichever one you like best.
It's time for the results. One by one, we'll hear the judges' comments about each singer from last night. One by one, five of them will be humiliated. And three of them will get to sit in new furniture. Let's get it on! Nasheka. You're sitting in the first spot tonight. AKA, the "Never in" spot. You're out. Joshua.whoa! Wait a minute! They flipped the script on me! Dag!
Joshua's in the second row. Now I can't calculate who the last two will be and go get a soda. You crafty producers! You've done it again! Ashley, you didn't get great comments last night. Or vote totals. I'm sorry, you're heading home. At least it's a short drive. But hey, she's still pretty and that goes a long, long way in this world. Which is why my life is a constant uphill battle.
Corey. The judges raved about you last night. Which evidently persuaded the voters, because you and your hat are in. Sylvia. Things didn't turn out so well for you last night. You're out. But at least now you can resume your career as Iman. Juanita is out as well, and surprisingly she doesn't turn to the camera and yell at the entire nation. "I'm Juanita! You know?" Patrick. Chip. Ordinarily, we'd leave you hanging even though everybody would see it coming. But tonight.tonight is very special. We're going to let you see the card now. Chip opens the card, and it says we'll find out after the break. Twistola! The stakes, they have been effectively upped. And another layer peels away from Chip's shell of introverted personality. Let us inside, man! We're trying to love you!
We're back from the break! Huzzah! And the third barstool goes to.Patrick! Rock 'n' roll will never die! Owwww! So now we have dudes aplenty to choose from. It's like a bad nightclub. Judges, who did you all pick last night in advance ahead of time before tonight yesterday to make it to the finals? Each judge tabbed Corey and Josh. Hey, just like me! Eight for eight, I am just around the corner!
The drama builds as Seacrest inches closer to announcing tonight's first finalist. However, I can't concentrate on said drama because I'm too busy trying to read what's on the other side of Ryan's shirt. USA Drinking Team? USA Dancing Team? USA Driving Team? What the hell is under there?
So.the first one in tonight is.Josh! Earlier tonight, Bush the Second lobbied for war in Iraq. And now Josh makes the finals. It's a big, big day for the USMC. Semper fi! At least if Joshua gets dispatched to the Gulf, he can always perform in a USO show to boost morale. "Thanks, Joey Heatherton! And now.Joshua Gracin!"
So that leaves us with Corey and Patrick left. And a commercial break on the horizon. During the break, it's possible that Corey and Patrick will talk about what they have in common. I would imagine it'll be quite a brief conversation. "So. Do you like.water?" "A little." "Wow! Me too!"
We come back, but before we announce another finalist, we have some housekeeping to do. It seems that the Wild Card show requires a bit of explanation. Mainly because they're bringing in Wild Cards from around the globe and we've never heard of most of them. But good luck to them all the same! All I know is, the Wild Card show will be almost all chicks, and my long-held policy on everything is, the more chicks the better.
Before the last name of the night is read, Corey tries to grab Patrick's arm in a show of solidarity. But those spikes are spiky! And Corey must retract his peace offering. And so.our eighth finalist.the second of the night.god, this part of the column is so interesting.Corey! You know, I'd love to hear a public debate between Corey and Snoopy Dogg Dogg. That would be quite exciting! "Aw, man, you know, fo shizzle." "Aw, man, that's what I was going to say."
But tonight's fun doesn't end there! It seems that Chip and Nasheka will be joining the Wild Card festivities. Chip is happy to hear the news, even though he only packed two sweaters for this trip and is now out of stuff to wear. And Nasheka has another week to think about how she's not Tamyra.
Like any show, this one is drawing to a close, so let's have Corey sing us out, shall we? We shall! Unfortunately, his Mushmouth hat doesn't lead him to sing the Fat Albert theme. "Nah, nah, nah.gonna have a good time! Hey! Hey! Hey! Habba babba, Fabba Abababa!" Instead, Corey rocks us home with some Steve Perry awesomeness! Oh, you foolish hearts! When will you ever learn? Do not question the mullet under any circumstances!
So there you have it! Another show in the books, and two more correct predictions to my credit. Eight for eight! Seriously, how do I start making some money off these picks? I'm automatic, baby!