First off, congratulations to me for coming up with such a snappy title. I should use it for an action cop movie some day. It won't matter what the movie is about, because that title will draw, baby boy!
As usual, Dramatic Dan has Tuesday night off. I hope I get to meet that guy one day.Hollywood is full of tricks like that! Seacrest starts us off by saying group four is, "All for you, America!" Gosh. Thanks. But I didn't get you anything.
Still looking lonely on that big cold stage, Ryan and his beach mullet stand before us. He's wearing a shirt he picked up on vacation in Jamaica in 1963 and tight wool pants. At the same time. These are the facts, and I am just reporting them. Although for an op-ed piece, I would like to mention that those pants are probably really, really itchy.
We can't have a show until we've met our judges, so let's get that out of the way. Simon has been recently tanned. It's been raining here in L.A. lately, and snowing everywhere else in the country, so I don't know where that came from. Ryan offers Randy $100 to not say, "dude, dog or man," during tonight's show. Simon and Paula add their own hondos to the kitty. Randy's immediate reply is "Wow, dog." He loses. Upset, Randy cusses, which I don't think earns him any money. Somebody offered me $100 to not be self-referential tonight, which I lost five words into the column. And then again right now. Damn! I'm so fascinated with myself.
Batting leadoff tonight is Sylvia. In her montage, Sylvia says she lived in Africa for eight years. All I know about Africa is that it's hot and internationally recognized borders change once a month. Sylvia also says she wants to be a diva because they always get what they want. What a noble goal! Perhaps she's already training to be a larger than life diva, because the judges point out that she oversang. And she opened her eyes too much or something. Sylvia counters the criticism that she shouted her song by shouting at the judges. That'll show 'em!
Next up is Chip. It's too bad Chip tore a hole in the knee of his jeans just before the show. Fortunately, they were able to patch it up. Randy greets Chip with "What's the deal, man?" I don't know if that means Randy has to put a C-note in the "man/dude/dog" jar or not. That thing will fill up in a hurry if so. And then we can party with the money, dude! Whooo! Chip is wearing a cable-knit turtleneck sweater, which would probably kill him if he was actually in that desert we see behind him. "Gasp.water.short sleeves.help." The judges liked Chip's voice. And that's where it ended. They didn't like his look, they didn't like his style and they didn't like the excessive ennui they felt while watching him sing. In the lounge, Chip and Ryan stumble over each other as they try to read Chip's number. Memories of Ryan and the other guy last year stumbling over each other come flooding back to us all.
Now we have Juanita, who is perpetuating the one-sleeve shirt and neck flower we've seen so many times this year. I wonder if that shirt is cheaper than a regular, two-sleeve job in the store. Maybe it's.half off! Ha ha! I'm so clever! Ugh. In the background, we see pretty flowers, which would be much more fun if Juanita and her beau were running toward each other in slow motion through the flower patch. Love! Paula deals out the oversinging card again. Simon puts a match to gas by telling Juanita she picked the wrong song. Juanita says she was asking America, "What about the children?" The children, Simon! What about the children! Apparently, Juanita figures her philosophical question will inspire people to race to the phone and punch in "Idols-03." After they adopt a baby, of course. Randy helpfully points out that it wasn't the song that was so bad as much as it was the singing. Which Juanita argues with. It's hard to believe a lady with a tattoo could be so combative. Randy asks Juanita if she knows who he is. She deftly counters with, "Do you know who I am?"
Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart's son, Patrick Lake is up next. His spikes mean business! Patrick is a nice bloke and all, but I have a feeling that his Bon Jovi impersonation is going to leave the judges wanting. Or angry. Randy was nonplussed by the performance. Paula wasn't impressed, maybe because her new hairstyle is shorter than Patrick's. Simon not only didn't like Patrick, he didn't even think Patrick could win a Rock Idol contest. Well, of course not. Because everybody's Rock Idol is Don Dokken. That position has been filled, friend! Patrick fires a little of the sass mouth back at Simon. When in doubt, always point out that Simon is British. Stings him every time! Man, who rattled these kids' cages tonight? Was there no hot water in the hotel showers this morning? Patrick's sister races to Patrick to console him. Watch out for those spikes! You could be killed! Or at least poked.
Back from the break and Nasheka is up. For this very special occasion, she's borrowed Candace Coleman's excessively short skirt. Hey, you know what I just noticed? Besides a lot of thigh, I mean? None of these kids - and I mean none in this whole shebang - ever have bare necks. They all have chokers, pukas, rope necklaces, hippie beads, mint floss, something. Anything. Let your necks shine through, people! Although I must admit, I wear a locket around my neck. With a picture of myself inside. But still. Paula and Randy wanted a little more presence and personality from Nasheka. Simon wanted to skip ahead to a different song. Simon likes Nasheka's look and her voice, but thinks that wasn't a good song for her. Nasheka thanks Simon for the compliment by arguing with him that she's not Tamyra. Realizing that his point just sailed at least six feet over Nasheka's head, Simon retracts his comments and tells her everything's just fine. And remember, folks, before you phone in your votes, she's not Tamyra, she's Nasheka. Which means don't look for Nasheka on a very special Boston Public anytime soon. "Tonight, on Boston Public, Nasheka has come to grips with her kleptomania, which has lessened her pyromania, but made her schizophrenia even worse, which makes her break up with her boyfriend, who puts his fist through a window, severing a tendon, ruining his dream of being a concert oboist. Also, three teachers might be having an affair. Together! Tonight, on a very special Boston Public."
We move on to Joshua. As usual, he's all business before the song. I figure he might try "The Halls of Montezuma," but he opts for the ever-popular "I'll Be." The backdrop during his song is the ocean motif. Although I wish it was footage of military training exercises. Now that would've been some juxtaposition! "I'll be.your cryin' shoulder.Wow! Look at that Tiger P-34 tank go! Kaboom!" Joshua gives a great performance. Although, you'll never know whether I really think that or if I'm just reluctant to say anything bad about a man who can snap me in half. The judges loved Joshua and rightfully so. They also give Joshua a chance to explain when he might be dispatched to the Gulf. Surprisingly, Operation: My Dad Said So is not holding up the first wave of invaders for American Idol to finish.
And.we're back! It's Ashley Hartman's turn. Ashley is part of a very exclusive club: blondes in Orange County. You hardly see any down there. At least if your eyes are closed. Ashley is very cute and also very young, so that's about all I can say. Her song is "Touch Me In The Morning," which doesn't help those of us trying to avoid innuendos and ribald puns. I wonder how long it takes to lace up those boots. I guess it doesn't matter. She's young. She has plenty of energy. Randy liked Ashley's look, but not her voice. Simon thinks Ashley is a bit out of her league. If it makes her feel any better, it's probably the last time she'll ever be criticized in her life. It's just not something that pretty blondes have to deal with. And I'm speaking from experience here. Paula tells Ashley to buck up, she can always be a TV or a movie star. Those are really good fall back plans. In the lounge, Ashley commiserates with Ryan that she's tired of being told she's pretty, but not talented. Although I figure it's better than being told you're ugly and not talented. I mean, what do you do then? Go into woodworking, I guess.
Rounding out the show is Corey Clark. Let's see if he brightens the mood before it's time to go home. If his song isn't working out, he can always change the lyrics to Paula-related topics. "Oh, Paula! You're sitting there wearing red! And you're cute! When you're sitting there. Ohhhhhhh, Paula!" Corey comes out wearing a button down shirt, which apparently only has one working button left. And he's going with double neckwear. Still no bare necks. And yes, I'm glad I gave you all something to check out on every performer from now on.
Paula and Randy give Corey a standing ovation. So.they liked it then? Simon gives Corey a higher clap than normal. Well, we're all in agreement! Back on the couch, Corey says he didn't go out last night and may never go out again. Dang! I was going to ask him to go out for Happy Hour with me and the boys this week! Long Island iced tea and buffalo sticky fingers, $2! And the ladies? Hoo, yeah! They're there too! Ryan reads off the digits, and Corey finally proves the Terbucky-Swathmore theorem that humans can hold up eight fingers in more than one way. Which he proves repeatedly.
So that's the show and now it's once again time for my uncannily accurate predictions. It's slim pickings again this week, so it ain't easy. I hope you people appreciate this! Giving you a trip into the inner workings of my powerful brain, I'll walk you through my thoughts as I forecast the winners. "Let's see.the judges disliked everybody but two contestants. Those two were Joshua and Corey. So I'll pick.Joshua and Corey! Good work, brain! Man, I'm hungry."
My picks for this week will be Corey's fro and in a win that will continue the USMC's fine tradition of warblers, Lance Cpl. Gracin. First Gomer Pyle and now Josh.