Dark. Dramatic. Lights. But not on people's faces. The start of the show. Dramatic Dan intones, "These eight stood in the spotlight before a nation of millions." And it'll take a nation of millions to hold them back. Terminator X!
Seacrest starts off the show in a natty, pinstriped sportcoat. Which apparently ate up most of the clothing budget for this show, because all they could afford to round out his look was an airbrushed t-shirt from that kiosk in the mall. Is that Freedom Rock, man? Well, turn it up, man!
Our boy heads on over to meet the judges, just as he does twice a week, every week. And yet it feels fresh every time! Tonight, Simon has reverted to his basic tight, black shirt, although this one is the short-sleeved model. The S model. Paula is dressed incredibly cute. She and I should start going out or something. And Randy's wearing the denim jacket he got when he graduated from flight school. "Yeah, I used to fly jump jets. Dog. And this patch here means I'm trained for aquatic survival. Yo!"
Like much of the country, Ryan and the judges engage in water cooler talk about Joe Millionaire. Ryan admits to Paula that he teared up a bit at the end. He must have been a huge fan of Sarah. Or a foot bondage fetishist. Whatever the reason, I know that the only reason I ever tear up is when somebody kicks me in the gunnies. I'm super tough! Simon tells us that he liked the one in the hat, whatever her name was. And nobody liked Heidi.
Now, in case any of the kids have forgotten what it is they're duking it out for on this show, the now famous Justin and Kelly drop by the set, although electronically, to say hi. Hi! Good work. Of course, they can't be in the studio tonight because they're on the set of their exciting new movie, a musical about saving the world from aliens or something. Justin and Ryan have a little awkward banter, stirring up memories of last season, when Justin and Ryan had a little awkward banter during the show. But enough chitchat! Let's see what this movie is like.
The clip rolls, and right away I'm wondering if this video was directed by Puff Daddy. My only question is, shouldn't Kelly be allowed to drive the boat? I mean, she did win this thing last year after all. Now that Night at the Movies is over, let's recount last night's show through the magic of videotape. In case you forgot, Simon didn't like very much last night. There he is criticizing Vanessa. There he is criticizing George. There he is criticizing Lou. And there he is criticizing all the rest. Oh, that Simon! So now that we've been all summed up, it's time to see who goes to the chopping block. Seacrest starts the painful procedure off with, "You know the drill." We sure do! And we love it!
Samantha, the judges weren't thrilled with you last night. Neither were the voters. Your trip has come to an end. Not counting your trip back to Boulder tomorrow. Vanessa, Simon mentioned you had an extra head of lettuce. The other two judges loved you. And.you're in! Vanessa celebrates as a person with pink hair might be expected to. Flamboyantly. Ta da! Look at me, world! I have pink hair!
Jordan. Last night, Simon compared you to a fish on a slab. And not even high quality fish like ahi. Just fish. And you are not moving on. The voters agreed with the judges. But the good news is, in the lounge your parents disagreed with the voters. Rickey, Paula and Randy liked you. Simon thought you were good, which I guess is good. You're.in!
Ryan moves on to George, who has obviously noticed a pattern here. "Let's see.two people are already up there. They're only taking three. They always leave two people hanging as they go to break, and two people after me still have to hear the results. Which means.ah, crap." At least George was completely resigned to going home by the time Seacrest stopped talking. The only way to prevent this same realization from settling in with the sixth person next week is to station all eight throughout the city. "Samantha.up in the rafters.I'm sorry, you won't be moving on. Rickey.in a car out in the parking lot.you're in the top three! Jordan.in a bus heading downtown.I'm sorry. You did not receive enough votes."
Of course, while I've been chatting on and on here, you've been realizing that Equoia (only one name, thanks!) and Kimberly Kelsey are the last two couch sitters. Who will fill the third retro mod Jetsons bar stool? Speaking of which, I could really go for a drink right now. A futuristic drink. Something with smoke pouring out of it, like you get in the bar from Star Wars. Anyway, we'll find out who's in the top three.after the break! I'm sure you all saw that coming. Just like all of my other "jokes."
Okay, we're back! And we're rocking hard. Equoia. Kimberly. Who will it be? Well, I hope it's Kimberly, because she looks absolutely petrified right now. She might pass out if she receives any bad news. And nobody wants to see that. Except for me. And it's.Equoia! Hey, what do you know? Kimberly actually handled it pretty well. Better than me, in fact. Of course, I'm upset mainly because my first excessive crush has already been taken away from me. Damn you, love! Why do you spite me so?!?
So now we have our top three for the night. For those of you with the short term memory of a goldfish, it's Vanessa, Rickey and Equoia. Judges, who did you predict was going to make it tonight? Randy opts for Vanessa and Kimberly. Paula gives a shout out to Vanessa and George. And Simon makes it three for Vanessa, two for Kimberly. The judges give no love to Rickey. Or Equoia for that matter. Looking at the three options, Simon says that Equoia could be better, Rickey is getting by on personality (I know the feeling), and there's still too much Vanessa. Which sets up a panel discussion on the media, images and weight. Dr. Phil must be pulling his remaining hair out right now. Assuming he's watching the show and not trimming his dainty little mustache tonight.
By now, you must really be wondering who the two finalists are tonight. Unless you watched the show already. The first one in is.Vanessa! Her boa gets to go too. And her rump, which she shows us. Again. Still, it's nicer to look at than Dennis Franz'.
Who will be the second to join the legendary pantheon of American Idol finalists? Before announcing the result, Ryan shows us the pretty little cue card they printed up so he could pitch the bad audition special coming up next. Professional! Equoia is obviously very excited for that show, because she starts dancing. That must be why she's getting down, because it's a little early for a celebration boogie. And.the second winner of the night is.Rickey! You know, I don't know why I even bother with those ellipses to build drama. Everybody already knows the results. I guess it's just the showman in me!
Well, we've done it again! Another show has been put in the books. What an accomplishment by all of us. Give yourselves a round of applause, everybody. And while you're at it, give me an extra round of applause, because my picks are now 6 for 6 this year! I'm getting so good at this prediction game, I might change my name to Les Vegas. It's just about the only way I could make myself even cooler.