It seems that the time has come for another show full of singing. And another recap full of failed attempts at self-referential wit. Why, you rightly ask? Why again? Well, I'm drunk with fame and power thanks to my interview clips, which I've been told are taking the world by storm. Or at least Pawtucket. Quickly capitalizing on my fame, I'll be introducing my new clothing line later this week. I don't want to give any designs away, but here's a juicy hint. The line will be called Hunterzware and will feature bright orange and camoflauge everything. Particularly formal wear. Onto the show!
In order to get a head start on this article, I'm pre-writing my coverage of the dramatic intro. Here goes. "Tonight.(bum-bah!).eight more give it all they got. And I give you all the drama you can handle! Tonight! (bum-bah!)" Hopefully, this will be close enough to the real thing that I won't have to rewrite it much. And.huh. Looks like a Seacrest intro. And it's peppy. Where's Dramatic Dan? The show just doesn't seem as important without him.
Starting things up, again so cold and alone on that big ol' stage, Ryan informs us that he's a Capricorn who's into gangsta rap, fine wines and giant shirt collars, and you should get in touch with him after the show. Maybe Tipper Gore will call. She loves all of those things.
Making his usual stroll over to the Panel of Judging, Ryan is asked by Randy how he's living. Ryan guesses that he's "living large." Pretty clever! This kid's getting funnier. Soon, there will be no need for me. Assuming there was one in the first place. Simon calls Ryan the Lorenzo Llama of reality TV. Um, I'm not one to question people, but with his well-earned and handsomely-occupied judge's chair on "Are You Hot?" isn't Lorenzo Lamas the Lorenzo Llama of reality TV? Whatever the case, remember this credo: we can all learn a little from Lorenzo Lamas.
Finally, the time comes for actual talk about the show. Kimberly Kelsey will get us started. She comes out in a cute little dress and turqoise necklace. Kimberley is pretty. I'm still looking for my overeager crush of this season, and I may have found the first contender. The judges liked Kim's effort. Sorta. They thought it could've been better.
We come back from the break, and a FOX promo for the Michael Jackson special pops up. Let that perfect bit of timing be some consolation to you kids that don't move on this week. Being a pop superstar isn't all that great. On another note, how many Michael Jackson specials do we need this week? Each network could show 100 hours of Michael interviews this week, and we would still never hear the real truth. That Michael Jackson actually died in a boating accident nine years ago, and his body has been miraculously preserved by German scientists.
Jordan Segundo is up next. It seems that Seacrest grabbed Jordan on his way out to the stage, because his sweater is all twisted. Or maybe the designer put the zipper there on purpose. So sassy! So French! And oh so Jordan! After his song, Simon compares Jordan's dead eyes to a fish on a slab. That can't be good. But it does strike up pleasant memories of the time I caught a rainbow trout. On the lounge couch, Jordan tells Ryan he doesn't know what happened because when he sings he's in his own world. I wonder what it's like there. Very sunny, I bet. And people wear pants on their heads for no reason.
The next song will be performed by Vanessa McKibbin. I'm sorry, Nikki Olivarez. I mean Pink Osbourne. I mean.(concentrate!).Vanessa.Olivarez. There! That wasn't so hard. Vanessa's dress matches her hair. Not the leopard spotted parts of the dress. I mean the red parts. Vanessa's singing is like a '30s era, smoky jazz club performance. I like it because it reminds me of drinking a gimlet, and I like gimlets. Randy and Paula liked it. Simon thinks that Vanessa could stand to drop a few kilograms. To counter, she points her rump his way. Watching at home, Sir Mix-A-Lot goes into convulsions.
So.would that be Vanessa's rebuttal? Hey-o! Comedy magic on display, everybody! Vanessa mentions that the onion has worked for Jennifer Lopez. Well, yeah, if you don't mind being married to Ben Affleck - "The Man of One Faces" - for six months, having a juicy bubble is just fine.
Lounging on the couch, Vanessa and Ryan correctly wonder just what Simon meant by, "It's a compliment." I can find no positive in that comment, and I'm pretty dang generous with my definition of "compliment." Not letting it get to her, Vanessa sends us into the ads with her impression of The Keith. Yo, why you baggin' on The Keith, man? Hate the game, don't hate The Keith!
After the break, Rickey Smith takes the stage. Look out for that wave! Rickey's shirt could best be described as "big" and "red." His performance is pretty sharp. And he's a really nice guy. I got nothing on this kid! He's kryptonite to me. Of course, I said the same thing about Justin early last year, and I think I recovered nicely on that one. Randy liked Rickey so much, he's "all good." Paula liked it. Where is Rickey's "Eddie Murphy Raw" impersonation? "I'm drunk, Gus! Bootiful!" Simon thought Rickey was good. Just good. In the lounge, Rickey's mom and dad stick up for their son's performance. Ryan then lets Rickey send us into the break. Maybe the show needs that second host after all. I'd do it, but I'm too dynamic. I'd blow you clear out of your living room!
Now up is Samantha, who is a philosophy major. Is it easier to get work as a pop star or as a professional philosopher? What would such a person do, anyway? Write newspaper editorials about cloning, I guess. Maybe Samantha can get a job as Kristin Holt's stunt double. The song concludes, and Simon isn't excited. Maybe if Samantha weren't so laced up he'd feel a little different. Randy concurs with Simon, but Paula sticks up for her voice. Samantha's, I mean.
Lou Gazzara's turn. Lou says he's from the blueberry capital of the world. I was as shocked as you were to find out anything can actually grow in New Jersey, what with the all the factory pollution and hair gel runoff in the water. I was born in Jersey, so that was definitely news to me. Lou's face looks perpetually happy. Let's see if that look sticks around for another 70 seconds. Lou sings "How Do I Live Without You?" with an astrogalactic background supporting him. If you ask me, whenever a Michael Bolton ditty is sung on the show, the screensaver backdrop should just show Bolton's stern visage staring down. And then we could all bask in the bald mullet and the serious love being conveyed by the lyrics.
After the Bolton has left us, Simon compares Lou to RJ. He goes on to say that Lou should be part of a boy band. You know, if you ask me, there's no greater insult in the English language. Randy concurs with Simon again. Two for two! Paula also thinks Lou was just okay, but says her compatriot judges are being a little hard on the boy. By this point, Lou's ever-present smile is on the side of a milk carton.
Equoia is now on the couch with Seacrest. She doesn't look very happy. If Simon critiques her hair or dress or boot or whatever, we might have some sparks! Sparks in the house! Through the trees behind her, Equoia runs out of song. Randy was okay with it. But he thought it was the most passion he's seen all night. Simon trots out his pet criticism, calling Equoia's performance, a little too "cabaret." According to him, she had a small bar in Vegas quality. That's usually where you'll find me. If you get there by 9:00pm and don't see me, it's because I'm passed out under a table. Equoia sticks up for Group Three, the greatest group in the greatest country on the greatest planet! Yes, yes, yes we do! We got spirit, how 'bout you?! Ryan reminds us that if you want to text vote for Equoia, standard text messaging rates apply. Are these rates common knowledge?
Finally, we come to George Trice and his impressive collection of seashells. George's last name means "three times." Wait, I'm sorry. That's thrice. Paula loved George. Randy liked it. I guess. He used a lot of words without really saying anything. Which is an art I've mastered! Simon compares George to a drunk waiter, and not because he brought Simon the cacciatore instead of the braciole. And where's my damn red wine?!? Over in the lounge, George's dad ignores Simon and congratulates his son on a job well done.
So that's our show! Thanks to our judges, and to Michael Orland on piano. Um.we didn't mean actually on top of the piano. I guess I can't criticize too much. I'm sassily lying on a harpsichord as I write this.
And after all of that, another show is in the books, along with eight more singers. The pressure is on for me to keep my sterling record of predictions going - 100% for me in 2003! - but it's going to be tough driving tonight. The only person that really stuck out tonight was myself, and that's no surprise there. But in the interest of prognosticating integrity, I'll say.um.Vanessa and.Rickey! Five for five, here I come!