Another Wednesday night comes, which means that we know exactly where about 29 million people will be come 8:30. Tomorrow, 28,999,846 will avoid my recap of the show like it would give them a skin disease. So why do I keep writing it? Because you 154 people are the specialest people in the world!
Time for some drama! As the serious voice intones, last night the eyes of America focused on these performers. Tonight, the votes of America are revealed. And today, the laughter of America can be heard loud and clear as people read the Recap. Bum-bum-bah!
Opening up the show, we have Seacrest once again all alone in the middle of the stage. He's wearing some sort of decorated jogging suit again, but since it's not decorated with a kitten or a rainbow or anything, I guess I don't have much to say about it. In fact, I kinda like it. Next thing you know, I'll be frosting my hair and talking to the ninth caller during the drive home. And from there, it's all over. Then we meet the judges. Paula and Randy look about the same, but tonight Simon is much more flat and angular. It might be because he's in New York tonight, possibly at a Max Headroom fan convention. W-w-w-warp!
The eight potential superstars, (well, two really, since six are booked on the red eye tonight) sit nervously on the couch. Tonight, Clay has gone with a blackberry sherbet shirt to follow up last night's lime. Colorful! Candice is ready to go out swing dancing after tonight's show and Ruben is wearing the negative reverse of the jersey he donned last night. I thought maybe he would've added a fourth number to celebrate last night's performance. But no, 205 is his lucky number now and he's sticking with it.
Seacrest deftly takes us into a recap of last night's show, and once again, I'm nowhere in sight. Dang it! I am not giving up on my quest to snarkily deliver the recap on the air! I won't ever.eh, you know what? Forget it. Nobody loves me. (I'm sorry, the rain does this to me. I'm such a sensitive poet type! You can tell by my brown corduroy pants.)
Last night, the kids watched the show during a special visit to the FOX lot. I was not invited to join them. I tried to crash it, but got bounced with the quickness. As I was being dragged out, I yelled, "I'll show you kids! You wait until tomorrow when I make fun of your clothes! Then we'll see who's so great!" Unfortunately, none of the kids had any idea what the phrase "Jaded Journalist" meant. And when they found out I was on the internet and not television - not even cable! - they lost all respect for me. Or at least the shred they may have been clinging to. Oh well, I guess my revenge will go out into the wind and be lost forever.
Before we move on with the show, let's bow at the altar of technology and participate in a wireless poll. I don't have a phone that lets me type stuff, so instead I try to order Ryan's shirt online with my remote. Wasn't technology supposed to allow us to do that as well? I guess I'll find out in six to eight weeks. As for the poll, the question is whether Simon is sexy or if he sucks. People across the country pick up their phones and begin tapping away. Hopefully when they're done, one of them can show me how to retrieve voicemail.
Back from a break, and Simon and Ryan start to dicker over teeth and clothes. They both like theirs and dislike the other's. I think I have to side with Seacrest on this one. That high definition flat panel does make Simon's teeth look extra crispy. He looks like Paul Harvey right now.
The fussin' and a-feudin' comes to an end and it's finally time to hear the results. As always, we'll sum up the judges' comments from the night before so the bad singers get a second dose of self-esteem problems. First up is Jennifer Fuentes. Last night, the judges no like and the people no vote. Upon hearing that she's heading home, Jennifer no calm. Apparently, she was slightly surprised to hear the news. Those tears exploded out of her so fast, one almost shot across the room.
Second to hear the news is Candice, who is busy playing den mother to Jennifer. It must've have been hard to concentrate on Seacrest's recounting with a wet shoulder, but Candice did not make it through. Next up is Ruben. Big Rube! Everybody loves Ruben, including the voters, so he's in tonight's top three. Big Rube! Rebecca Bond, last night, Simon and Randy weren't crazy about your performance.
To quickly sum up Clay, sound is good, look is bad, votes are good. Clay is in the top three tonight! His hair quietly celebrates by changing colors. Jacob John, last night, Simon and Randy weren't crazy about your performance. Hadas. Kimberley. Kimberley. Hadas. You already know one of you is in tonight's top three. Unless you're really terrible at math. Hadas, I'm sorry. To make you wait until after the break! Oh! Again! They have to keep going farther with it to fool the drooling masses. It won't be long before they tell somebody, "I'm sorry, you're out," and drive them back to their hotel. When they get into their room and flop on the bed sobbing, Seacrest will pop out of the closet and say, "Or are you?! We'll find out after the break!"
Okay, we're back. And please buy two of each of the products you just saw advertised. The show's twins, Clay and Ruben, sit in their future retro mod barstools waiting to hear who else will be joining them. And it's.not Hadas! It seems that yelling at people really pays off! At least in Kimberley's case.
So now that we have our top three of the evening, judges, who do you think it will be tonight? Simon and Randy both pick Ruben and Kimberley. Just like me! Paula tweaks a little bit and picks Ruben and Kimberley or Clay. Just like me!
As Seacrest tells us, "There are three faces, but only two places." He didn't continue on, "I'm so glad I took this time to rhyme. Would anybody like a lime? Or a dime?" So.the.first.one.moving.on. tonight. is.(tension!).Ruben! Ruben's brother rushes out to celebrate, and in the commotion, the boys lose track of Seacrest and crush him to death. No! Wait! He's alive, folks! He is minus one tooth now, though. Hey, Bob Eubanks was missing six teeth, and he was a terrific host. Seacrest should be just fine.
Will it be Clay or Kim? Last night I picked both of them, plus Ruben and Hadas, so I'm counting myself as being 2 for 2 on predictions tonight either way. That puts me at 3 for 3 for the year, counting my Charles pick and completely ignoring my non-Julia pick from last week.
Enough of the shenanigans! Time for the results.of the wireless poll. If you're wondering, 29% of the wireless suffrage holders said Simon was sexy, 58% said he sucks and 13% accidentally made reservations for four this Friday at 8. Thanks for participating!
And.the fourth finalist.is.(s-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g f-o-r t-i-m-e).Kimberley! So I was right! And wrong! Fulfilling this year's new twist, Kimberley cranks out "Over The Rainbow" one more time. You know, her effort tonight may have been even better than Tuesday's performance. Seriously. Much like mine has been.
There you have it. Ruben and Kimberley steam along into the finals. And starting tomorrow, they get to go on a whirlwind press tour, answering, "So, how does it feel?" over and over, struggling to find a new response each time. Should be fun! And like any good press tour, they'll be sitting down with all of the major personalities: Katie Couric, Regis and the New Girl, Carson Daly and the Jaded Journalist. Yes, they are lucky. So keep an eye out for my video interviews with Ruben and Kimberley this week. If I'm involved, you know it's going to be some top notch stuff!