Tonight we have eight. Later tonight we'll have seven. Next week about the same time we'll have six. I can't imagine this is news to any of you. Weatherman Walter starts us off with the routine dramatic introduction. "Some will go on. One will go home. And look for partly cloudy skies over the Southland tomorrow heading into the weekend."
Ryan bounces out to start the show like a young Chuck Woolery might have in the Scrabble years. Although it's tough to imagine Scrabble ever getting 21 million votes in one night like American Idol did this week, because frankly, I don't know what the heck people would be voting for on Scrabble. And yes, I just like saying Scrabble. Scrabble.
The Introduction of the Almighty Judges gets underway, with Ryan dubbing Simon "our very own Wilt Chamberlain." Simon probably doesn't have much of a hook shot. Hot from his last zinger, Ryan then takes a shot at Nashville Star, saying, I don't know, it sucks or something. I wasn't really listening. I'm almost inspired to follow Ryan's lead and take a potshot at Joel Stein, but then I realize nobody cares about either one of us. Well, at least not about me.
The kids come out to wild applause, which I bet is nice. Last night, I accused Clay of wearing a shirt for the second time. Maybe I was right, maybe I was wrong. But tonight, Josh is definitely wearing a shirt we've seen before on him. I probably shouldn't say anything since I only own three shirts and wear each one twice a week, going topless on Sundays. But still! He's on TV!
We have a bit of free time before announcing the results, so how about a group song? What do you say? I hope you say "sure" because that's exactly what you're getting. Here are your Idols singing a Lionel Richie number! Unfortunately, the kids are neither singing nor actually dancing on the ceiling to "Dancing on the Ceiling." They are dancing though. I call this routine the "Shuffle Up, Shuffle Back." It's lighting up discotheque floors across Scandanavia right now! The song somehow requires the kids to head out into the audience. After the song, we don't see Ryan for a few moments, and then he appears from one of the aisles. It seems that Colin Mochrie was blocking our view for a bit there. Maybe they should only allow short people on the ends of the aisles.
Hey, guess what everybody?! Kelly is back! Again. But not right now. Later.
The time comes to introduce Kelly, and Ryan is once again in the crowd. Has he been on the stage yet? The chap sitting behind Ryan forget his sign tonight, so to make up for it he's flexing and waving and waving and flexing some more. Then half standing up, with the waving and the flexing. All right. You're on TV, we got it. Calm down.
Ah, now here's Kelly. She's so big now she has backup dancers. Of course, I have a troupe dancing behind me as I write this, so whatever. As I understand it, this song was originally going to be a Christina Aguilera ditty. Which is fine, as this was originally going to be a Bill Simmons column. You know, that makes two references to Kelly and two references to me in this paragraph, which I consider to be a perfect ratio.
Tamyra is in the audience once again! I saw her in the parking lot before the show, so it wasn't too much of a surprise to me. But I'm sure you were shocked! Unless you saw last night's show, in which Tamyra also appeared. And if you watched Wednesday's show before reading this Recap, you weren't surprised when I mentioned it here just now. Uh oh. I'm getting caught up in the theoretical time and space present/past relationship of the show and the Recap. I'd better knock it off before I either accidentally invent a new type of geometry or fall into a vortex, never to be seen again.
Wait, is Kimberly Locke wearing a tie? Or is she wearing two ties? Is that one giant tie or a tie/scarf combo? Man, I'm losing focus here. Ryan heads back to his miniature golf podium, (Let's see.put me down for a four there.and a three on the last hole. The one with the barrel.) which indicates that it's time to get serious.
So here we go. Remember, last week's vote totals have been combined with this week's vote totals in an amalgam of vote totals. We're dealing with large numbers here, so please, pay attention. Trenyce. The judges liked you last night. Except for Simon. Boo, Simon! Booooo! Kimberley Locke. The judges said you were great last night, so of course you're in our bottom three. One of these weeks, Kimberley won't be in the bottom three and we won't know what to do with ourselves. But we don't have to worry about that now. Ruben. You're safe. You were probably safe last week. Also, I really like your hat. It's snazzy! Josh. The judges loved you last night. You're safe. And I am too since you're nowhere near me. Kim Caldwell, it did not go so well for you last night when the judges were talking. Haul yourself on over to the bottom three. Clay. You have purple lips tonight which match your shirt. Perhaps it's cold in the studio. Regardless, you're safe tonight. Rickey. Carmen. One of you will be standing up soon. Rickey. The judges loved your performance last night. But the judges don't add up the votes, so you round out the bottom three this week.
Going into the break we see a dream sequence involving Ruben, a mansion, a car and multiple Carmens. Frankly, I can't tell if I'm dreaming it or actually watching it. Then the kids wake up Ruben and we all come crashing back to Earth. Good work everybody! That's a wrap!
And we're back! Somebody is about to be sent back to the couch. Normally, the drama would be building right now, but Kimberley Locke is involved and she's been sent back almost every week. They should get her a Segway for this trip. Or let her at least stand up right next to the couch. Save the girl some time!
So.somebody must leave. It's in the rules. And without the rules, we'd have chaos! So somebody must go. Kimberly Caldwell. You're.safe. No! Not Rickey! Rickey is my man! I call him Jeff now because he's so my man! Ah, dang. I guess Rickey's all-denim outfit wasn't enough to save him this week.
The axe has fallen and Rickey was in the way. You know, since I like the guy so much, I think I'll put him up in my apartment until he can land on his feet out here in L.A. In fact, I think I'm going to open a halfway house in my apartment for ex-Idols. Rickey, Vanessa, Charles, EJay, RJ, A.J, J.D., all of 'em. They can stay at my place until they find a job in exchange for 10% of all future earnings. It'll be my own little cottage industry! I'll be the Lou Perelman of American Idol, only skinny.