Much like the dopey cougar from the old Warner Brothers cartoon who screamed "I can't! I just can't!" at the prospect of crushing the cute little bunny for dinner, I'm finding it harder and harder to say goodbye to a bright-eyed hopeful each week. I'm just too nice! It's so harrrrrrd to say goodbye, to yesterdayyyyyy. Where are Boyz II Men when you need them? Seriously, where are those guys? I figured Shai would disappear like the morning mist, but the Boyz too?
Anyway, Wednesday is upon us again, and while I love this day because it's the day the newest Onion goes online, it's getting tough to watch the tears and hugs and streaked mascara exploding into a gooey mess as somebody realizes their days of living in a mansion and being shuttled around have come to an end. Why do I have to be so empathetic? Whyyyyyyyyy?!?
The kids stand onstage, seemingly unfazed by the swirling spotlights. I guess they're used to them by now. Dramatic Dan dramatically intones, "Last night, the eyes of America focused on five people. Tonight, one of them goes home as Hayley makes her next choice. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm mixing up the shows I do melodramatic voiceovers for."
Ryan comes out to start the show wearing his Westbourne footy sweater. The one with the lucky green ribbon. Goooooaaaallllll! Man, I'm doing a lot of pained yelling tonight. Let's just hope that Ryan's kit doesn't inspire any rampant hooliganism in the crowd tonight when Beckham scores on a header off a corner kick."
When the audience settles back into their seats, Ryan starts building the drama. "These are your results. Right here on this upside down card." He then runs down the planned itinerary for tonight's show, which seems to involve 100 things, none of which being people sent home. So it looks like I have a lot of work in front of me tonight, and after last night's musical doubleheader, I'm running low on fuel. And jokes.
Hey everybody, group song! Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Five Voices and Ten Feet! Right now, I'm wondering whether Ruben owns more jerseys or Kangol hats. Maybe it's a push. Oh my! It's a medley! A medley of harmonious swaying and finger snapping. Get down! Oh, there we go. Clay is finally winding things down. Wait! He's going into the audience. The old slow down, jump into the audience fake song ending! More is coming. And.dazzle! The medley finally wraps up, even though they never got around to "Sugarpie Honeybunch."
We're back from a break and so is Burt Bacharach. He's been getting a lot of face time on this show. No matter what the kids do with Burt tonight, it can't possibly top "I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself" as covered by The White Stripes on Elephant. "Like a summer rose.needs a summer rain.(bwang!)" God, that rocks so hard! Oh great, now I'm all fired up again.
Burt takes to the piano, and it reminds me of my youth when I used to tickle the ivories. Oh, Frau Schweinbratz was a stern piano teacher, and I hated her afternoon lessons so. But she could teach you to make the piano sing! If only you would let her. But that's a story for another time. Hey! What's this? Julia, Kimberly, Carmen and Rickey are back for more. Where's Adriel and A.J. if we're bringing people back? Apparently, Kimberly snowboarded to the studio, judging by her 54321 shirt. Or maybe she's just opportunistically plugging her new correspondent role. Which is fine, I guess. After all, I'm wearing a That's Incredible! shirt right now. They're bringing that hit back next month with me, Fran Tarkenton and Donna D'Errico as hosts. Tune in weekday afternoons at 4!
Before another break, the kids do their best Copperfield, complete with head to toe black outfits, in the middle of an abandoned parking lot. I wait for Margaret Yang to zip her radio-controlled airplane by, but she never does. Ruben and Josh take a big banner or something and make different Fords appear. Not as good a trick as 1.9% financing for 60 months, but not bad nonetheless.
After that, we're treated to a promo of a very special Boston Public. This week on Boston Public, Tamyra's friends visit the set. Will former pop star Joey McIntyre accept them? Or will he feel his teenybop crown is being threatened and call in old friend Donnie Don Wahlberg to bust some heads? Yo! The kids blend right in, as Ruben acts in a scene with his dad and Seven of Nine. And if that's not enough, we get to see Josh get the Marty McFly treatment from Biff.
If all of that wasn't enough for you, Justin comes out onstage. Will the fun ever stop? It sure doesn't seem like it! You know, I wonder what Justin would look like if he straightened his hair a la Kim Locke. Fresh, I'm sure. Sitting in the audience is Kelly. This show is turning into High School Reunion. "Oh my God! I haven't seen you in forever!" The chitchat ends and Justin breaks into a song that is pleasant enough, but not exactly as groundbreaking as Kid A. By the way, if you're wondering what happened to Boyz II Men, their comeback hopes were dashed when this song was given to Justin and not them. Of course, Justin had to win a footrace against Usher so he could record it first. Just a little insider Hollywood gossip from your pal, me.
We come back from the adverts, and it seems the fun and guest appearances and whatnot have ended because Ryan is at his mini golf podium, and that usually means it's time to get serious. Oh wait, there's time for more neat stuff. Somehow, the kids finagled their way into the Twentieth Century Fox summer blockbuster, X2: XMen United, the XMen Sequel Featuring The XMen. On the red carpet, they run into Frankie Muniz doing his best Robbie Williams hair impersonation, and Hugh Jackman doing his best "guy growing his hair for an upcoming role" impersonation. They also run into the perfect in every way except that she doesn't love me back Rebecca Romijn-Stamos and then.oh.my.word. It's Michael Knight himself, Mitch Baywatch, the man you've all been waiting for.David! Hasselhoff! Now this is a party!
Now if we can all calm down for a few minutes after the excitement of a Hasselhoff sighting, it's time for the results. Kim, you had good song and one so-so song last night. A .500 average is good enough to keep you safe this week. Are they doing a full bottom three tonight? You know, soon this whole show will be a bottom three. Or a top three if you're the optimistic type, which I of course am. Clay, everybody loved you last night and that goes double for Neil Sedaka. You're safe. Trenyce, you had some good and some bad last night. Unlike Kimberley, your .500 average did not keep you safe. You're in the bottom two this week. Aha! So they did change it! Ah, whatever. Moving on, Josh, last night was like a trip back to boot camp for you with the insults flying so fast. Ruben, everybody loved you last night and every night before that all season. One of you gentlemen will be in the bottom two with Trenyce.
Gosh, I wonder how this cliffhanger will end. Here's a hint: Dick Tracy manages to save himself at the last second with his special watch. It's so obvious, why are they even faking the drama? So it's.RUBEN?!? What? What who in the what now? No, seriously, what?! Um, is it possible that we all figured Ruben was safe this week for sure so we voted for somebody else? It's like the time Bart Simpson ran for class president and Martin Prince won because the whole class figured somebody else would vote for Bart so they didn't have to. Look, people, it's time for a reminder. If you like Ruben, you still need to vote for him even if you think he's going to be fine that week. This is a popular vote, not some fiasco where if Ruben wins Iowa he gets 12 electoral Idol votes.
Back from another break, and since we have a little time before hearing the results, how about some music, huh? This show is so about the music! Trenyce rocks out "Proud Mary" again. And Ruben gives such a nice performance that all of the judges are inspired to dance with each other. Aww. Such love.
Okay, so here we go. The results. Ruben.(pause).(pause).you're safe. "Trenyce, the judges are on their feet for you. Well, two of them are at least." Trenyce tosses off some shout outs like she just won a Video Music Award. "I'd like to thank God, and Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis, and the video's director, Exram B. Much love and respect." And although Trenyce is surely heartbroken that she didn't finish in the money, surely she's excited knowing that she doesn't have to chug olive oil for a while.
So there you have it. Another show in the books.