Hey, buddies! Another week has passed and we have gathered once again. Of course, I needed to do an extra Recap for Monday's show, so I'm already pretty much tapped for the week. Get ready for a bunch of half-jokes, sentences that trail off and a few recycled references to last season. Look at AJ's hat! Man, I'm tired. So very, very tired.
While I'm rambling on about nothing, the show gets underway. Seacrest comes out wearing Marlon Brando's jacket from The Wild One. He's so excited by all the zippers that he begins to brag about everything the show has going for it. The new "Hooray for America" single is high on the Billboard charts. Which should thrill my homeboys over at Billboard. Holla! (Damn, I'm down with what's cool. I mean, damn.) You know, come to think of it, maybe Billboard doesn't care what's on the charts as long as the industry keeps buying issues. In other news, Kelly's album has also charted. So it seems a nose ring does increase album sales. Plus, People devoted an entire issue to your favorite show! By the way, here's some Hollywood insider gossip for you: somebody from People interviewed me for an hour for the special issue. And then they didn't use it. Editorial decision, I suppose. And probably the correct one if you ask most people. I just feel bad for the poor gal who had to talk to me for an hour for what turned out to be no point at all.
Enough about me, let's meet the judges! Specifically, let's meet Simon's dashing new haircut! Every individual hair is the exact same length! Well done! Moving on, Ryan says that Randy has been neutered for his own good. Score!
Tonight's theme is Diane Warren songs, although I don't know if she's here to judge. Maybe she's hanging out with Billy Joel and can't make it, meaning tonight's guest judge will be Diane Arbus. Well, actually, she died in 1971. So maybe it'll be Diane Keaton. Or Diane Sawyer. Plenty of Dianes to choose from! All of which turn out to be unnecessary because Diane Warren herself is in the house. (Woof! Woof! Woof! Sorry, I was watching an old tape of Arsenio last night.) During a look back at Diane's career, we learn two things. One, judging from those movie soundtracks, Diane is Jerry Bruckheimer's personal songstress, ala John Williams and Steven Spielberg, and two, she's penned every song that's been on the radio in the past twenty years. I wonder if there's any money in that.
First up tonight is Kimberley Locke. She tells us she picked her song tonight because it tells a great story of love. So does Bride of Re-Animator, but I don't think we'll be hearing the theme from that tonight. Kimberley has brought back the "Plenty o' Necklaces" look for a second night. I like it! It looks expensive! Her outfit is business chic, so she may be giving a PowerPoint presentation after her song. The judges loved Kimberley, including her straight hair, which apparently is worth the tremendous effort. Kimberley tells Ryan she's getting better because she's finally comfortable on TV and has found her groove. Much like David Schwimmer.
We come back from a break and Ryan is talking to Clay's grandma, a very pleasant, polite Southern woman not unlike my own grandma. In fact, they have about the same hair. Which is a bit surprising because I thought maybe Clay's grandma would flatiron her locks in tribute to her grandson. It would've been even better if she wore a leather jacket to match Clay's new roughneck look. Leather jacket + black pants = look out world! Clay is using the mic stand tonight - which perfectly matches his outfit - and turns out a pretty sweet performance. Thus reinforcing my "Singing/Performing" theorem, which states the less moving around one does, the better one sings. The lone exception being "Diamond" David Lee Roth. The judges loved Clay tonight, although Simon would've loved him more if he paid $150 to watch him on Broadway.
Before the next round of commercials, we get to see the kids being treated to some hair treatment. Some guy drops by the mansion to help the kids dye their hair all the colors of the rainbow. Except for green. And orange. Well, and indigo. And violet, really. And also blue. So really, just the R and Y of the ROY G. BIV rainbow. Here's a question for you. Do they really need a whole trailer just for dyeing hair? Couldn't it be done in one of the mansion's eight bathrooms just as easily? Maybe the trailer also comes with a grill for burgers and wieners to eat while waiting for the coloring to set.
Trenyce has drawn the next turn. Look at the radiant red streaks in her hair! And look at the bouncy curls counteracting Kimberley's straight look! It all balances out! Trenyce is wearing many chains around her waist, none of which actually hold her pants up. But that doesn't stop her from turning in a smooth, soulful performance. You know, that may be the nicest thing I ever said about the girl. Good for me! I mean her. Anyway, the judges went for Trenyce. Except for Simon, who thinks he may be meeting Trenyce for the first time for all he knows.
Now Josh. When he starts singing, the lights make it look like he dyed his hair neon red. At least I think it's the lights. Maybe he used an entire tube of coloring and fell alseep. Nope, it's the lights. You know, I must say that nothing says country quite like bronze highlights. Randy didn't like it all. The song, not the hair. "Enough about the hair! We get it already! You're clever! You should be so proud of yourself!" Geez, calm down already. Paula and Diane were okay with the performance. Simon says he really didn't like it, but maybe he just needed to meet his quota of hating three things per day and was falling behind because he liked lunch.
Back from another break and Ryan is wrestling Simon's girlfriend. It's hard to tell who has prettier hair. Ah, that was fun, but now it's time for Carmen to sing. Is Carmen wearing seersucker? I hope so, because I've been dying for that stuff to make a comeback! I can't wait to don a seersucker suit and a straw hat and barnstorm the South selling my patented cough syrup formula. That's how they partied in the '30s and I bet it would be fun now. Despite the seersucker, Carmen's vibrato comes wobbling through at the end of her song. Randy really disliked it. Paula and Diane were okay, and Simon gave a speech similar to one you might hear at the retirement party for Ralph Metzger in accounting. "You've had quite a run. But today is the end of the line." I'm surprised Simon didn't give Carmen a gold watch. As she's walking over to Seacrest, we see a sign, "Hey! Carmen I'm an Aries too." From this sign, we can tell that Aries are loving, friendly and like to alternate colors for their sign letters.
Later, Ryan pitches the upcoming live tour. A sign in the background reads, "Simon 4 Pres." I don't mean to sound preachy, but you can't be elected president unless you were born in America. Spend less time painting signs and more time in social studies class, sister.
Ruben comes out last. His shoes match his shirt perfectly. I bring that up because I thought it would be nice for him to know. I kid! Please, Ruben, do not smash me like you're recycling a can. I don't know how much credit the color coordination deserves, but Ruben was smooth tonight. That makes it twice that the mic stand has really comes through for somebody. Everybody should start using that thing! The judges loved it.
Another show has been put in the books, whatever books those might be. I was pleased to finally see what Diane Warren actually looks like, since the judges mention her approximately twice per show. Although I was disappointed that she didn't use a large pile of cash for her chair. I know if I had that kind of scratch I would. But as it is now, I have to sit on two rolls of quarters as I write the Recap.
By the way, make sure you vote on my ego over there to the right. Help me out here! I've been voting for meek like crazy and that thing is still redlining at super ultra cocky. It makes me look bad. And we just can't have that.