Historians and television fans alike will probably debate for years what was the better unexpected treat during the week of April 21, 2003: a special bonus episode of American Idol or a special bonus recap of the hilarious nature. It seems that time alone will be able to solve this argument, so hopefully you have a lot of patience.
As mentioned, tonight's installment is being hailed as a "special episode." In my mind, the only TV show that is worthy of the title "special" is Knight Rider, so hopefully David Hasselhoff will be making an appearance tonight. Because, really, without David Hasselhoff, how can an episode of anything be special?
Semantics aside, it's time for the show. Ryan comes skidding onstage and he's wearing a tight shirt he bought in 1963. Maybe he was skinnier then. Now, call me crazy, but Ryan definitely, definitely, definitely wore this shirt last season. The reason I'm so sure is that I think I made pretty much the same joke about it. I know my material well!
First off, we get a recount of the masses that thronged to the audition cities. The girl who cried "I want my mommy" is still possibly my favorite person ever. And I'm sure she enjoyed watching the lowest point of her life once more. That's followed by review of the kicked off countdown. It was Vanessa, Charles, Julia, Corey, Rickey and Kimberly, just in case you've forgotten.
The first relevant contestant out tonight is Carmen. Ah, little Carmen. Ryan grills Carmen about her "relationship" with Clay. Everybody wants to know, Carmen! Ryan is like a male Barbara Walters right now! Only with more work done on his hair. Carmen says we can think whatever we want to about herself and Clay. Thanks for the green light, but I'm warning you, my thinking can get pretty ribald at times. Inspired by the questions about her personal life, Carmen sings a song.
Josh is up next. He comes out so quickly his collar gets blown up by the breeze. I wonder if Josh is going to mention those two times I beat him at pool. Guess not. So now, the references to the game are much like the game itself. 2-0. Ryan heads out to the audience to field questions for Josh. Ryan is like Larry King at a presidential debate right now! Young Danielle wants to know Josh's post-Idol plans. Back to the Corps! Hoo-rah! The next questionee asks Josh what perk he'll miss most after the show. He says the clapping. Huh. Inspired by the questions, Josh sings a song.
Kimberley Locke is third. She comes out wearing a new fashion style that I like to call "Plenty o' Necklaces." Ryan then asks her about her image change. Ryan is like Steven Cojocaru right now! Kimberley says she believes that sexy comes from within. I don't know about that. Have you ever seen a sexy pancreas? Inspired by a slideshow of her many looks, Kimberley sings a song in which she confesses that she can't make us love her. Well that's a pessimistic attitude, missy!
Ruben is the next one out. Ryan, splayed on the couch and playing with his hair, asks Ruben about manicures and pedicures and what it's like to miss Rickey Smith. I hope the conversation soon turns to steaks and sports and muscle cars and such so we can man it up a bit. Ryan then gives Ruben a pop quiz involving the number 205. Ryan is like Chuck Woollery right now! You know, Peppermint Patty would probably be great at this quiz. True! False! True! Maybe! The Battle of 1412! The answer to everything is C! Inspired by the questions, Ruben sings a song.
Now it's Trenyce's turn. Ryan asks Trenyce what it was like to be a Wild Card. Apparently it's similar to sensory deprivation because Trenyce didn't know she was a Wild Card until she saw it on the show. Trenyce goes on to inform us that in the future she wants to be behind the scenes writing. Hey! Just like me! Except in the future I want to be in front of the scenes singing. Ryan tells Trenyce it's important to set goals. Ryan is just like Tony Robbins right now! Inspired by Ryan's inspiration, Trenyce sings a song.
That brings us to Clay. In the montage of Clay's past moments, there's no mention of the time I said he looks like Howdy Doody and Alfred E. Newman crashed head on. Too bad, because that was really one of my finest moments. I guess this is more about Clay right now. Ryan asks Clay about his work with kids. Ryan is like Jerry Lewis right now! There, I got all the way through six different references. I'm a champ! A sign in the audience reads, "Clay-Doh" and features Clay's face over the little Play-Doh kid's face. I don't know if that's a sign supporting Clay or one that horribly insults him. I do know that I love Play-Doh, however. Inspired by squishy things, Clay sings a song. After Clay is done singing, we see another sign. "Jamexibodia loves Clay." Now, I'm pretty caught up on geography, so I know that Jamexibodia isn't a country or a state capital or anything. I guess some parent out there punished their kid with this name for some reason. Whoever this Jamexibodia is, they'd better get used to hearing "What?" and "How do you spell that?" for the rest of their lives.
We come back from a final break and Ryan is in the crowd that he loves standing in so much. He starts talking.shhhh! Group performance on deck!
So there you have it! A special Recap perfectly in line with a special episode of American Idol. Glad I could help! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go watch Mr. Personality, or as you may also know it, Mr. Terrifying Mask.