It seems that the Earth has spun around once more right on schedule, and we've all come back to the same place, only a day later. I don't know what any of that means exactly, but it sounded awesome in my head, so there it is on the virtual paper. Sure, I could've deleted it, but that would be admitting failure and.ah, I'm just making things worse. I have no intro. There! I admitted it! Are you happy now?
Dramatic Dave (or Dan, whichever you prefer) dramatically intones that, "Last night, these eight gave it everything they had. For 24 hours, they agonized over their fate. In 60 minutes, we'll give you even more numbers to think about. Like 87. What's that number all about? I mean, seriously?" The first two things I've noticed tonight are that Ruben is wearing Shaq's warmup jersey, and somebody in the house is holding up a sign that reads, "Shag me, Simon." Wow. That is forward. Cutting right to the chase! I mean, at least have some class and add, "By the way, my name is Beth" to the bottom of that sign or something.
Seacrest comes out, and his shirt reads in part, "thseeker." I guess he's a truthseeker. Unless he's wearing that shirt to promote Dental Awareness Week and it actually reads Toothseeker. Ryan promptly informs us that last night the show received 15 million votes, which is a new record! It breaks the old record for number of votes received by a talent show, also held by American Idol. In fact, the top thirty spots in this category are all American Idol, but hey, tonight we have a new record!
Now, we have a full hour of show tonight, so we're not heading straight to the results. Instead, Ryan is going to rap with the kids for a little. Just a little one-on-eight, many holds barred bull session. Just some good, old-fashioned dialogue. Just some chatting. Just get on with it, you idiot! I'm sorry, I got a little carried away there. But you didn't have to yell at me.
Anyway, Josh, are you feeling any pressure these days? Surprisingly, he is. It may be hard for the folks at home to believe, but being on a huge television show while also being a Marine during a war is indeed a somewhat tense situation. Thanks for the question! Next! Carmen, you have extensions now. That isn't really a question, so let's just move along. Kimberley Locke, is this all tiring you guys out? Kimberley says they're always up at the crack of dawn working. Me too. I get up at 6am, then go for a 5k fun run to keep in shape. You have to be disciplined to make it in the article biz! Okay, fine. I admit it. I actually get up at the crack of noon and I'm usually covered in Cheetos dust.
Let's flashback to last night. "Our Urban Cowboy gave us a dose of Saturday Night Fever." I'm surprised he didn't continue, "And Grease us up for some Star Wars. Hopefully we won't see a Poltergeist or have any Close Encounters while we're spending the day with Rosemary's Baby in Chinatown." Beyond that, the rest of the flashback went pretty much how I described it yesterday, and I'm not going into it again because I never repeat myself. Yes, I'm not going into it again because I never repeat myself. Never. Repeat. Myself. Never.
Time for a group song! Man, there are more people onstage right now than at an Earth, Wind and Fire show. Give me some lasers, lame, smoke, a UFO and Verdine flying through the air playing the bass, and we'd have a real funked out disco tribute. Funkdify the funk!
We come back from a break, and somebody is holding up a "Marry me, Clay" sign. They must've gotten lost while trying to get inside the studio audience for Married By America. Common mistake. You know, since Ryan is in the audience already, maybe it's time for what is quickly becoming a Wednesday night tradition more beloved than My Wife and Kids. It's.the American Idol Audience Q&A Session!* (*note: not the official title)
First question to Randy. Any advice for the performers? Always be the best. Thank you! Quite helpful! Next question. Paula, if you saw Simon coming down the street, would it be two steps back or ten steps forward? That must be a song or something. Paula says she'd jump into Simon's arms, and the possibility of a kiss comes up. Hey! Hands off! She's mine to kiss! I have video evidence! Next question. Simon, if you were on a deserted island, which of the finalists' CD would you want with you? Simon neglects to answer, which is fine. I'm willing to bet everybody's CD would be equally useful in reflecting the sun to create a makeshift rescue signal.
Ruben, what's your favorite genre? Ryan says that Ruben wants to do 50 Cent's "In Da Club." He sounds like Dick Cheney saying the title of that song. In Duh Club? Duh? Really? Weird. Wild. Ryan then heads over to Jimmy for his question. I'm willing to guess that Jimmy was first in line for both Lord of the Rings movies. "I am Jimmy, Lord of Mordor! I am aligned in the primary position outside the theater of movies! All others will stand behind me!" Jimmy wants to know what Simon's favorite song is. Uh oh. I smell a cheeky bit coming on. Ryan says that Simon's favorite club is "The Manhole" and his song is "YMCA." Ah, man on man humor. A staple of junior high classrooms everywhere. And now appearing weekly on American Idol!
Kimberly Caldwell, somebody in the audience wants to know about these rumors about you and J.D. Adams. Hey, look at this! J.D. just happens to be in the audience! What are the chances? Well, pretty good actually since he's been there every night for the past five weeks. Anyway, let's allow J.D. to answer the rumors. Kimberly wonders, "What are you going to say?" I'm sure it'll somehow involve him being related to the second and sixth presidents. So, J.D., how about it? "Um, she's a really special girl. We're just friends." Man, he answered that like he's an actual celebrity. It was like listening to Colin Farrell discuss his relationship with Britney or something. Any more questions? Or are we finally done? This is turning into an episode of Rikki already. If somebody gets up and says to Simon, "You ain't all that, sucka!" and then snaps her fingers, I'm leaving.
Since these kids have been working so hard lately with no reward other than appearing on national television twice a week for a chance to win a million-dollar recording contract, the show felt they had earned a break. And what better break than a full body massage? Did you see me there in the montage? I was the towel boy! "Fresh towel, sir? Fresh towel?"
Back to live action and the mini golf podium is out now for Ryan, so you know it's time to get real. Really real! Ruben, last night it was all good. Gee, you're safe. God, I sounded hip when I said "all good." I'm so "down!" Dig it! Kimberley Locke, the judges loved you last night. So you're in the bottom three. Huh? What more could she do besides be amazing? You mean that's not good enough to stay around anymore? Rickey. Eh, it was okay for you last night. Not great. But you're safe this week. So is the afro. Josh, it could've been a little better last night. But you're safe. Josh joyously hugs Rickey. I guess cold medicine makes you emotional. Trenyce, you were okay. Not great. And being in the bottom three is not great either. Clay, the judges thought you were pretty good. Except for Simon. But he's only one vote (or non-vote, if you will) so you're safe once again. Carmen. Kimberly. You know the drill by now. Oh no! Our blonde count may go down this week!
Buh-buh bum buh-buh buh-buh! At the car wash! Working at the car wash! Hey, isn't it dangerous to have the kids in amongst those water jets and giant, swirling brushes? Somebody could lose a shoe! The soapy, watery fun leads us into the break, and just as quickly we're back from the break. Carmen. Eh. You got good and bad last night. Kimberly. Eh. You got good and bad last night. Which means it could only be.the super mega ultra fake! Kimberly, we're sorry.to put you through this. Carmen, when you've recovered from the twist, please come on down to Bottomthreeville.
Judges, are you surprised by what you see before you? Randy is surprised to witness Kimberley up there. Paula is surprised to see any of them up there, although she claims to be surprised every week. Simon is surprised, but not because he has a soft spot for these three. It's more because he thinks somebody else is more deserving. Or less deserving, depending on how you look at it.
Ryan, being a card-carrying member of Amnesty International, is going to send somebody back to safety. Who is it going to be? The audience begins shouting out names. No, no, no. We're not voting here, folks. The results are already set. Kimberley, head on back. Which leaves us with Carmen and Trenyce. And some more time to kill. So Carmen and Trenyce will get one more chance to sing. Man! Prison meatloaf doesn't have this much filler.
So, who is it going to be? Carmen? Trenyce? It's.after the results have been tallied.another super mega fake out! It seems that the governor called last night at 11:59pm with a reprieve for both Carmen and Trenyce. Simon seems to be having more than a little trouble coming to grips with this new development, but with Corey already sent packing, there was no need to break two hearts.
Ryan tidies up some more official business. It seems that the votes from this week will be saved and combined with the tallies next week. So please make sure you don't throw away that card, Ryan! You know, I think I'll combine this week's and next week's Recaps into a 15-page mini-magazine. Now let's party! Boogie woogie la! Oh, I'm sorry. That's boogie wonderland. So long, party people!