Tonight is Wednesday, which means drama. Actually, by the time you're reading this it's probably Friday, which isn't nearly as dramatic. And since I've pulled back the curtain on the time frame of the Recap, any chances of drama are completely gone. We're off to a great start! The only thing that could save us now is.
Dramatic Dan! "Hello. I have a serious voice. So please pay attention. Last night, these seven brought their game. Tonight, one of them should've brought their luggage. And Ruben brought an outfit from the Desert Storm campaign topped off with Rommel's hat." Even with the camouflage, I bet I could still spot Ruben in the desert. I mean, there's really no missing him. The only thing the guy could blend into is the Andes.
Ryan comes out to start tonight's show and heads straight for the audience. He doesn't even bother with the stage anymore. Is he running for office or something? He's a real man of the people lately. While you're out there, Ryan, you might as well introduce the judges. Either he picks up on my mental telepathy or he follows the show's natural order, but regardless, here are your judges! You know, my insider sources tell me Randy once played bass on an album with Stryper. Can you imagine Randy in black and yellow spandex rocking your face? Holy gosh!
MC Ryan informs us that the show received over 18 million votes last night. The show's vote total gets higher and higher every week. At this rate, soon Ryan is going to be telling us the show received 276,000,000 votes last night, and over 3 million of those came from Venus.
You know what would be really refreshing right now? A wireless poll. And we have one! To demonstrate, Ryan holds up a phone that looks like that fancy entertainment system remote panel that baffled Ozzy a couple years ago. I wish I had a phone like that because then I would totally get chicks. As it stands now, my rotary cell phone doesn't really wow the ladies. Anyway, onto the poll. Tonight's poll is, "What do you think.Simon. Ryan. Spongebob." Um, yes, those are definitely three choices. So then what? What's the question here? Ryan tries to fix the vote by holding up a little "D." Oh, I'm sorry. That's actually a big "B." It seems the poll number was blocking out the rest of the sign.
Now try to block out all the fun you just had if you can and let's focus on hearing the results. Or at least the start of the results process. If you're only interested in the final answer, you are the weakest link, goodbye. Ha ha! Oh, that joke would've been awesome three years ago! Awesome! Anyway, if you're only interested in the final results, go get yourself a sandwich. Ryan is over at his little mini golf podium and he loves it so much he's going to be there for at least the next ten minutes.
Clay. Last night was good for you except for when Simon said he hated your face. That part was really, really bad for you. No matter, because you're safe this week. Kim Caldwell. You were okay last night. But not okay enough, so you are the first third of our bottom three. Ruben. You were good and you are safe. And ironically, that camouflage outfit really makes you stick out on stage. Carmen. You were not so good, Al, last night. You're the second third of our bottom three. For those of you just learning fractions, we are 2/3 of the way home. And it's definitely possible some of my readers are just learning fractions now, because I am huge with the sixth grade crowd. I mean huge! Josh. You were pretty good last night so you're safe. Kim Locke. Trenyce. You know it's going to be one of you two rounding out the bottom three. You also know it's time for a break, at least if you've paid attention to any of the previous results shows.
But before the break, let's have some cheeky fun! The kids dress up as a pit crew - excuse me, a sexy pit crew - and head out to the ol' racetrack. They put some stripes and a number on a Ford Focus, which somehow makes the four-cylinder engine fast enough to beat 500hp Indy cars which also have stripes and numbers. If I had known it was that simple, I would've painted stripes on my car long ago. To celebrate, the kids spray Clay with ice cold Coca-Cola, which will probably have little effect on his hair.
Okay, we're back! Trenyce, you were okay last night. And usually you'd like to have been a little better than okay when you were part of the pre-break cliffhanger. Kimberley Locke, you were very good last night. The best you've been yet, in fact. That whooshing sound you hear is the drama racing out of the building. Trenyce, you're in the bottom three, which means that tonight Kim Locke won't have to walk over there and back for no reason. Trenyce feels shame, but I bet Carmen and Kim Caldwell will give her hugs to make her feel better. They do.
Judges, what do you think of the triumvirate that we've assembled here tonight? "Yeah. Eh. Uh. Huh. Um.okay." That's not a really convincing argument against any of the three. Now Ryan, being the benevolent soul that he is, is going to let somebody off the hook early. Of course, they do this every week, so this isn't really an overwhelmingly charitable offer. It's more like when you clean out your closet and donate a bunch of tight, striped pants to Goodwill. Tangents aside, Trenyce is safe. For now! Bum bah bah!
Before the break, Ryan asks Carmen and Kim who they think is going home. Neither says anything, but you don't have to work at the psychic hotline to read their brainwaves. "Please not me! Please not me! Oh, great God almighty not me! I like (Kim/Carmen) okay enough, but please make it her!" At least I assume it was something like that.
Now it's time for the final results.of the wireless poll! What a twist! Unless, of course, you remembered that we had a wireless poll tonight. Anyway, as for the result of the crucial semi-question, "What do you think." Ryan won. I'm not sure what he won, though. A poll with no question, I guess.
Carmen... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...you're safe. Which, as the process of elimination tells us, means that the reign of Kimberly the First has come to an end. It seems that her Grace Jones "Hungry Like The Wolf" hair was not enough to save her this week. Hungry like the wolf! Oh, what I wouldn't give to see Simon Le Bon angrily flip over a caf table right now. Before being sent off, Kimberly thanks everybody in the known universe and then thanks the quarks just in case. And then she assures the remaining six that they will all be giant stars. Tell that to Richard Hatch, sister.
That puts another show in the books. Almost! Before we go, there's a little something we all should see. It's a group performance for the new American Idol single, which just so happens to be out now. "Oh, stop being such a cynic, Jaded! This is a beautiful moment! It symbolizes America!" Yes it does, friends. Yes it does.