Well, it's been a whole week and most of us have managed to make our way back to the Recap. Congratulations! Your homing instincts would be admired by the common dog, but probably looked down upon by the common passenger pigeon. Of course, those birds are extinct, so what do they know?
Tonight is disco night, so let's party. To honor tonight's theme, I'm wearing something extra tight as I write, and it's not that.um, "allowing".so we should get this over with in a hurry. Ow! Ah, cheap physical humor in a written article. A brilliant twist! A disco ball has been specially hung in the rafters, and they don't send union guys up into the rafters for nothing, so you know tonight is dang important.
Ryan's outfit is a little muted tonight. I was expecting more snugness, or pleats or sequins or vinyl or something. I really figured we'd get more fabulousness from him on disco night. Hey, Jewel is in the audience! I wonder if her horse is roped up outside. You know, this really doesn't seem like her kind of show. Although her presence is greatly appreciated by me. I imagine my presence would be greatly unappreciated by her. I don't think her tolerance for lanky goofballs that never shut up is very high. She probably likes cowboys or guys that can fix a transmission.
On another note, last week brought us Olivia Newton-John and this week brings us disco. The coincidence? John Travolta is connected to both. It just goes to show how much he's touched all of our lives. And hopefully one day soon he'll touch our lives again with Battlefield Earth 2: The Musical Resistance.
Let's meet the judges. I bet I could fit my hand through one of Paula's earrings. Ryan tells Randy he may have met his match with tonight's celebrity judge. Which means it's either Sir George Martin or Steve Perry from Journey. Actually, it's Verdine White from Earth, Wind and Fire. No disrespect to the man, but I have no idea how to spell his name correctly. Is it Whiit? Whyte? And I haven't even gotten to Verdeene yet. I'll say this: the bass player is always the coolest guy in the band. That's a hard and fast rule. So maybe I should start dressing like that too.
To fill us in a little on Verdine's background, we see some footage of old Earth, Wind and Fire shows. Lot of roadies working on those shows. Can you imagine a tour with Parliament Funkadelic opening for Earth? It would take an 18-truck convoy to haul all of the instruments, lasers and UFO props from city to city.
Rickey starts us off with a little Earth, Wind and Fire in honor of Verdine and a giant afro in honor of Nat X. But Rickey's dancing blows his hair clean off. I think that happened to Ted Danson once on a very special episode of Cheers. I'm beginning to suspect that tonight Rickey is getting caught in that nexus that trips up many would-be Idols, that being the Moving to Singing Achievement Ratio. My theory is that these kids can concentrate on either singing or dancing during each performance, but never both at the same time. Something always falls by the wayside. And Rickey seems to be neglecting singing in favor of dancing. The judges were up and down with their Rickey comments, bottoming out with Simon declaring Rickey worthy of a children's party. A type of gathering I always try to avoid. All the screaming and spilled juice!
Carmen is up next. She joins the list of Idol women whose hair has mysteriously grown five inches from one week to the next. Maybe they put human hair growth hormone (HHGH) in the water over there. But enough about that! Let's talk about Carmen's gold lame pants. Gold lame cargo pants no less! Wow! Carmen is performing like a cute little bundle of energy, which she is, so it fits. Randy thinks tonight is too karaoke. Which means businessmen throughout Tokyo are loving it. Simon surprisingly continues to praise his Wild Card selection, calling her the most commercial of all the girls. Carmen takes it as the highest compliment. Kids these days! Over on the barstools, Ryan and Carmen discuss her extensions as my HHGH theory goes flying out the window. Ryan says he got an extension once. Fans of Bazooka Joe-level humor go wild for the double entendre.
Kimberly Caldwell comes out wearing a belt made from Carmen's pants. Kimberly's own pants are a satin capri number, just like Jackie O. would've worn to Studio 54. Randy hated the arrangement of Kim's song. What is that? The words? The beat? I'm so musically inept. But I knows what I likes! Anyway, Randy still loved the Kimberly part of the song. Paula wasn't crazy about it. Really? Did I hear that right? Simon gives it 6 1/2 out of ten. That's very precise judging. Before the break, Ryan introduces Kimberly to Jewel. They kind of look alike in that way that all blondes do.
Back from the pitching and Ryan is on his second stage, the audience floor. You can spot Ruben's family if you're sharp enough. Just look for the giant 205 on everybody's shirts. That brings us to Clay. Mainly because he was up next in the rotation. I was really, really, really, really hoping that Clay would come out in a starched white leisure suit, black shirt opened wide to reveal a chest medallion and platform shoes. But once again my Clay-related hopes and dreams have been dashed on the rocks. But you know what? I can't complain about a silk polka dot shirt. Clay is the first one tonight to not sound karaoke. Which the judges gleefully acknowledge. Except for Simon, who hated it with burning intensity. He says he didn't get "star" from it. Maybe it's the show's fault for picking a disco theme. It certainly can't be the shirt's fault. That beauty can't be blamed for anything. Except rocking too hard.
You want to know what I've noticed? Well, too bad. You're going to hear it anyway. What's interesting about the music tonight is that all the lyrics deal with undying, everlasting love and commitment. Yet it was played in clubs where most people were looking for a quick one-night stand in the back of a brown Camino. Wrap your heads around that paradox, folks!
Trenyce comes out and claims that she is every woman. I don't think it would take much research to disprove her claim, but she sure sounds good. And she looks good. I like the short skirt and the disco ball she's wearing around her neck. After the song, they show Trenyce's family, which apparently includes Isaac Hayes' twin, Ivan. Randy liked the song, Paula liked the song, Verdine liked the whole package, but Simon says it doesn't compare to Chaka Khan. Chaka Khan! Chaka Khan! Come on, Chaka Khan!
More commercials, and then Ryan is back in the audience. Why is he not sitting in Jewel's lap? That's the first place I would've gone.
Ruben's up now and he comes out in what must be his biggest jersey yet. That thing is down to his shins. I could use it as a quilt. Ruben talks to us before the song starts. He should be the new voice of automated phone directories. I'm getting sick of that woman. I'd much rather hear, "If you know your party's extension, dial it now. Ohhhhh, baby." If you're wondering why I'm not discussing Ruben's singing yet, it's because it's always good. What's the point in talking about it? Then again, many of you probably wonder what's the point in anything I talk about. So there you go. Randy loved Ruben's song. Paula suspects there will be lots of babymaking tonight, although I think Ruben would crush her. Verdine liked it and Simon finally perks up to something and says Ruben should win. Well, that settles that!
Kimberley Locke is up next. I don't know what she saw backstage, but it was obviously terrifying. Did she call Diana Ross for advice on walking around with hair like that? Kim's song tonight is "It's Raining Men." Why doesn't she have the Weathergirls flanking her for backup vocals? Of course, while I'm writing all of this idiocy, Kimberly is churning out an unbelievable performance. The judges loved it. That's two in a row for Simon! Ryan manages to find room onstage next to Kimberley's hair so he can send us out to the break.
Afterward, we have Josh, who is here tonight to celebrate good times. Country style! Hey, they have good times out in the sticks too, you know. They mostly involve throwing rocks at passing trains, but a good time is a good time. Josh is struggling a bit, but to steal a line from the judges, he's making this song his own. I hope I used that right. I'd hate to look dumb. The judges were okay with Josh's performance, except for Simon, who actively hated it. No breaks for the flu! Back to work, you! More rhyming later. Gator. Ugh. I can't believe I did that. Next stop, Corn City!
In the officially-sponsored room with furniture, Ryan asks the kids what they think about what Simon thinks about them. They're mostly fine with it. Or at least smart enough to not say what they really think about what he thinks. Hard-hitting journalism, Connie Chung style!
So there's another show. Despite the unpleasantness, we're still voting this week, thank goodness. The last time an election was suddenly interrupted under odd circumstances, Nigeria went mad. Of course, that was last week, so it's not like it's been forever since electoral turmoil has rocked the globe. Regardless, we won't be having any of that on the American Idol stage. And even if we did, it couldn't be all that hard to quell a riot consisting mainly of 16-year old girls. Just throw a Justin Timberlake poster out the front door and the problem solves itself.
Last week, Julia DeMato became Julia DeMoted. Who's going to avoid the Reaper's scythe this week? Well, I guess we'll find out tomorrow. Hopefully, whoever it is, their name lends itself to a cute pun like Julia's did. Because I love being clever!