Any day now, many of you are going to start lining up around the block, desperate to get into a hotel ballroom. And the Shriners aren't even in town! Ho, ho! That was rich! Obviously, this layoff hasn't hurt my hilarity one bit.
Anyway, the official audition info says everything will get underway at 8:00am. Of course, if you show up at 7:58, don't expect to find any parking. And make sure to bring some coffee and donuts. You can give it to the people that have been camping out and will get inside hours before you do.
Once you've made it inside to the relief of the warmth - or the air conditioning, depending on the weather - you still need to be plucked from the throng by an eagle-eyed producer that thinks you're a) cute, b) wearing nice pants or c)going to go down in hilarious flames for our enjoyment. You gotta pop! Or else you'll be going last. And last out of 2,000 is very last.
Needless to say, and yet I said it anyway, this can all be a lot to handle. Particularly for 19-year old girls who are on the city limits of Emotional Breakdownville to begin with. Since I'm a really, really good person who cares about the well-being of others, I've compiled this handy list of stuff to keep in mind during this whole audition process thing deal. You can thank me later in the form of money and/or kissing.
1) Be prepared to deal with people you can't stand. With the proliferation of reality shows on television, a certain sub-genre of person has grown as well. Yes, I could only be talking about the Reality Show Contestant. This young man or woman tends to be fairly attractive, excessively bubbly, overly emotional and prone to bouts of crying and describes themselves as "spontaneous," "funny" and "totally honest." In all cases, they should describe themselves as "annoying." This type of person also loves to talk, assumes everybody agrees with their brilliant insights, was "super disappointed" to not get a callback for Beg, Borrow and Deal, and hunts down cameras like some sort of super predator. At least with the original AMERICAN IDOL, the show was unknown and those without some initiative didn't know TV cameras would be appearing in their town. Now that the cat is out of the bag, expect some audition cities to look like a Real World/Road Rules alumni meeting. If you encounter a Professional Reality Contestant, plug your ears and don't let them throw you off your game.
2) Concrete is hard. If you're going to be camping out overnight in the cold, keep this handy tip in mind. When you wake up, your back will hurt, your super cute hair will be all out of joint and somebody will have probably stolen your diet Dr. Pepper. With all of this happening to you at once, chances are you'll be in a cranky mood. But don't let it get you down! Pop princess Debbie Gibson slept in a bus station bathroom for two weeks before she became famous and everything worked out for her, so you'll be just fine.
3) Dress to impress. You have to stand out to be outstanding. It's just good common sense to abide by pat little phrases, so listen up. If you're going to be picked out of a crowd, you need to make it easy on the pickers. One word: leather. Everywhere. Leather pants, leather shirt, leather hat. And try to avoid wearing sleeveless shirts, since they were so dang popular on the last show. Those things are played out, fool! One exception being black leather sleeveless shirts.
4) Feed people misinformation. It's quite likely that thousands of people will show up in each city. Don't you think you'd have a much better chance competing against only hundreds of people? When you arrive at the hotel, tape a handwritten note on the front door that the auditions have been moved to a hotel down the street. Being smart and crafty, you'll be the only one left to audition, and they'll have to take you to Hollywood, right?
5) Sing a Biz Markie song. Our country's greatest cultural icon and the most underrated songcrafter of his generation, the Biz has been churning out hit after hit since he first donned a big gold chain at the age of 11. Whether you decide to bust out "Nobody Beats the Biz," "Just A Friend" or "Vapors," success is sure to follow. "She said her name was blah-blah-blah. She had 9/10 pants and a very big bra." "Thank you, you're coming to Hollywood." Make the music with your mouth! Waah! Waah!
6) Have a snappy comeback prepared for the judges. On the very, very, very, very off chance that you'll be rejected by the judges, you should have some prepared remarks to put them in their place. Only losers meekly slink off after being met with cold rejection. Winners open their mouths and bark away. Question the judges' credentials and tell them they have no business judging you. Don't worry about petty details like they're judges and you're auditioning. That's loser talk! You are a special, unique individual, different from the other 20,000 trying out, and it's high time you realized that. Now go get 'em, tiger!
7) If you can't be famous, be infamous. This could be your one and only chance to become a "that guy" or a "that chick." As in, "Can you believe that guy in the green painter's cap last night? I can't believe he french kissed Simon for three whole minutes!" Tameka has been burned onto our brains forever. Meanwhile, even Jamar's mom forgot he went on the show. It's up to you.
8) Drink as much soda as possible. Before, during and after the audition. I got paid $500 to write that. Can you believe it? What a country!
9) Bring a posse to the audition with you. They say you should dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Well, if you plan on being famous, bring a posse of roughnecks with you. They can take your cell phone calls, get you a turkey sandwich and keep celebrity hangers-on away, protecting your fly threads. You'll need a posse eventually, might as well have one now.
10) Nobody there is your friend. No matter how nice they try to act, any person that talks to you at an audition wants to go to Hollywood, and they hope you don't so you can feed their cat while they're gone. If anybody that you don't know tries to strike up a conversation with you about anything, even "Where's the bathroom?", snicker and say, "Yeah, nice try, sucka. I'll send you a postcard from L.A." Then put your sunglasses on and smile, knowing you're onto them.