Man! Now that was a damn show! Arguing! Defending America's turf! About six bad performances in a row! We got plenty to talk about here!
The twice-weekly game of "What the heck is Seacrest wearing?" has been pushed to a nuclear level tonight. Two words: mesh sleeves. Like a regular dress shirt, but with mesh sleeves. No, I don't think you heard me right. Mesh sleeves. I'm hunting for words that will convey my befuddlement at this blouse he's wearing. Perhaps they exist in another language. Haberdashers around the world are bawling right now.
On to the show! But first! A liar in our midst! Seems the show's producers had been adding two and two and getting five whenever Delano was around. A little background check action reveals his true age to be 29. Which, when you consider that the universe is billions of years old, is very close to 23. By the way, note to friends and family of Delano: if you ever suspect that he's lying to you, just keep repeating your question. Apparently, he cracks pretty easy. "How old are you?" "23." "How old are you?" "Almost 23." "How old are you?" "All right. I'm 51."
Batting leadoff tonight was R.J. I remember him from the first show and I thought this guy had what it takes. Good looks, nice voice, big smile. Superstar stuff. And after about 10 seconds of his performance tonight, I thought, "What happened to this guy?" Maybe his mole should've handled a few bars. Whatever the judges have to say, it won't be pretty.
I'm sorry. We have to interrupt today's column for a...JUDGE FIGHT!
It happened. They finally broke. Simon complains about how kids are moving on simply because of sympathy votes and that Paula and Randy are being far too kind to these "losers". Paula and Randy instinctively try to protect their young and Simon doesn't back down an inch. Randy says, "This is America". Then Paula says, "This is America". Got it. Check. Paula goes on, "We don't insult people like that here." Huh? That's all we ever do. That's why we have road rage and dwarf tossing, Mondays at Reggie's bar.
So the culture is out and it's in full clash. Simon feels that these kids are being coddled and patronized. Paula says the American way is to celebrate effort. Which is why everybody knows the name of the guy who finished 1,293rd in the New York Marathon last year.
But now Randy wants to make things really interesting. He stands up and challenges Simon to settle this right now. In my travels around the world, I've noticed that British men fall into two categories. The types that are foppish dandies, and the types that'll headbutt you in the face without warning. Then, when you're staggering around all bloody, they drink your beer. I don't know which kind Simon is, but Randy seems pretty set on celebrating Independence Day with some good old-fashioned Brit-whomping.
The best part of the whole spat was watching R.J. stand there for five minutes, running away with the title of "Most Uncomfortable Man in the Universe". I think I saw his sideburns begin to retract into his head. It was like watching your parents divorce right in front of your face, then blaming the whole thing on you. Oof.
And following all that mess is Kristin. Tough opening act. I've dubbed Kristin "Dinner Function", because I can picture her marrying an orthodontist and laughing politely at amusing anecdotes from her husband's associates during charity dinners. The biggest problem with Kristin is that she's been polished to a reflective sheen by too many beauty pageants. So when she tries to bust out a soulful number like "Fallin'", it's just not happening. During the taped comments before her song, she had all the emotion of an infomercial for exercise equipment. That delivery just might come in handy one day. The judges didn't take to her, to put it mildly, and their comments left her in tears. Tears that I'm betting were politely dabbed away from each eye with a crisp, white linen handkerchief.
Mark Scott is up next. Apparently, he borrowed his clothes from Ryan Starr. What's that thing on his neck? A brace? What's with those gloves on his hands? I mean, just what? What to everything. Mark's a good looking guy, and possible star material, but his performance blew the needle off the corn-o-meter. I had a feeling that he was in this contest as a huge practical joke and his boys back in Chicago are laughing their asses off. "Dude! You should go on that show and act like a big wuss. Like, wear gloves and stuff! Dude! That would be hilarious!"
Mark is completely lanced by the judges, and Simon, in spraying venom all over the place, lands some on Ryan and Brian for good measure. He says they know nothing about judging talent and should stop saying everybody did great. Brian says he hates seeing good kids cry. Hey, where's the love, everybody? We're getting off track here.
Oh, good. Here comes Kelly Osborne. She'll lighten the mood with some cussing and stuff. Wait. Never mind. It's just Nikki McKibbin. Nikki gives a pretty solid performance, and the original style that she's cribbing from Pink gets high marks. She's being herself, wherever she goes. Good for her. Except for when she crosses paths with Kristin Holt. Backstage, we hear a rumor about Nikki and her clan being a little rowdy on the flight to El Lay. And apparently, Kristin didn't take kindly to it. I think she said something like, "Could you ruffians please keep it down? You're ruining my torte!" I sense a movie coming up. Nikki gets rich somehow, but her ill manners offend the blue bloods. With much effort and lots of spilled soup, Kristin gives Nikki a crash course in etiquette. Then, at the end, Nikki flawlessly walks down a huge staircase in a gown, impressing all of the society types. Many heads turn. In the end, they become the best of friends! Hurrah!
Here comes Chris. Ears like two satellite dishes. He looks terrified. He wants out of there. Pretty soon, he will be. It's tough to see somebody wilt under...hey! Did he just wink at me? What was that? Melanie Sanders comes out next and it takes her about three steps to reach the stage. Damn she's tall. She should come with her own Sherpa. Melanie belts out another Whitney-like performance. Eh. I think we've had enough Whitney impersonations for one summer, thanks.
EJay. Now here's a weird looking dude. He's wearing mesh sleeves as well and makes some awfully kooky faces when singing. He and Jim V. should have a staring contest and see who cracks up first. Naturally, Simon says his performance was the best of the night. I give up.
Tanesha strolls out next. Is she wearing acid-washed jeans? We haven't seen much of Tanesha to this point. And we won't be seeing much of her after this point. After Tanesha comes Khaleef. He seems like a nice, confident guy. Cool dresser, probably gets plenty of honeys. He knocks off a Stevie Wonder impression, even changing his voice to sound like Stevie. Simon says Khaleef is selfish and doesn't want to work with the others. The perfect quality for an AMERICAN IDOL. Simon hopes he wins. I like Simon.
And now Christina Christian is going to wrap up the night. I can't remember any of her singing, but that's because I was distracted by how dang cute she is. I have to figure out what kind of ice cream she likes, then use it as bait to lure her to my private South Pacific Island where we'll live happily ever after. I hope vanilla is her favorite, because I won a lifetime supply in a contest three years ago, and it's just going to waste. The judges liked Christina tonight. Yeah, get in line.
So that's Tuesday night, wrapped up in a massive, massive nutshell. Much like this recap, it started off interesting, lost steam toward the end and didn't provide many laughs. Until next time...when I come up with a snappier signoff.