So last night was a big show and a huge Show Recap. Kudos to those of you that actually plowed through that thing. Those of you who didn't, well, all the good jokes were at the end.
Tonight's a big night, with our first two important cuts coming. We can maybe think of a couple people in this group that we could do without, but after they're gone, it seems like every week will bring a tragic cut. Not for me, though. I'll be just fine.
Anyway, our sexy, sexy hosts come strutting out to start the show. Again, with the suits. See, I told you this show was important now. As part of the union contract that says "One thing must change every night", our boys are now holding microphones. I believe it's because Seacrest's nipples blew his pin mic clean off last night. No danger of that happening tonight, and no danger of us missing any witty barbs between the hosts and Simon.
You know what always cracks me up? When somebody has to lift a microphone to their mouth for a simple reaction. "Yes." "Ha ha." That kills me. We're already seeing plenty of that tonight.
Dunk and Seacrest tell us that over eight million votes were phoned in last night. That means over 90% of the people watching AMERICAN IDOL are phoning in to vote. In related news, voter turnout in presidential elections hovers around 40%. God bless America!
More news from the hosts. Unfortunately, RJ fell off the stage last night after the show. Went to the hospital and everything. And no, they didn't laser his mole off while he was in there. Equally unfortunate is that we're not shown a clip of the pratfall. Something for the DVD, I guess.
Speaking of somebody falling off a stage, I saw that happen in a strip club once. The girl was fine. Or she wasn't. I dunno. I can't remember. They're all just pasties to me. I'm such a freakin' man!
Just in case anybody has forgotten what happened last night, we get a little clip montage of last night's performance. They did a really great job of highlighting Jim's mouth donut. What are those movements What do they mean? Are they secret signals to somebody?
Now it's time to introduce our judges. At least two of them. Simon seems to be AWOL tonight. Isn't this kind of an important commitment? Couldn't he shuffle things around? Have dinner at seven, maybe? To keep the spirit of Simon alive, a cardboard cutout has been placed on the couch. The mouth looks like it can be moved up and down. Something good is about to happen. In theory.
Ryan and Brian ask Cardboard Cowell softball questions that usually end in tame insults. This time, Paula moves the mouth and impersonates Simon. Paula/Simon says that Seacrest looks better in fishnets and muu-muus. And also that he forgot his silk panties at Simon's house once again. Paula/Simon also tells Dunk that he's beginning to like his ass. Who knew Paula could be so dirty? It's hot! I guess Simon been holding her back all this time. She's developing into a naughty little spring flower.
Dunk informs us that Simon had to fly back to England on emergency business. That could be just about anything. Maybe one of the chaps from Westlife got the wrong flavor ice cream in his dressing room, and Simon had to calm him down. Or maybe Will Young from Pop Idol UK is upset because Tamyra and Justin are so much better than he is. Whatever it is, Simon will be back next week.
Randy punts Cardboard Simon into the audience and the show gets underway. Ryan asks the kids if they slept last night, or were they too nervous? Dunk asks who slept together last night. What's going on around here? It's like there's a substitute teacher in the room and all bets are off. Since we're playing loose and fast with the rules tonight, maybe I can get away with a little more too. Instead of just dancing around my attraction to Ryan (Starr, that is) and Christina, I can go into a little more detail.
Well, first it would start with a bottle of red wine. A good kind, but let's not go nuts. Around $21 or so. Then...
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And then I'd say, "That's right, baby! And I'll have more on sale next week!" Man, that would be so sweet.
Now we're shown a tour of the mansion the kids are staying in. The house has thirteen bedrooms and we have ten kids. For some reason, Tamyra, Christina and Kelly are staying in one room. I guess most bedrooms are currently occupied by table games and laundry piles.
By the way, since the kids have claimed all the bedrooms in the mansion, I'm stuck sleeping in the 14-car garage. It's okay, though. There's a cot out there.
Back from the first commercial break. It's time for the first cut. Drama...building. Lights...dimming. Tension...palpable. Must...go...on. And the first cut is...EJay Day! Oh, wait. EJay Day. I guess bad news doesn't get exclamation points. EJay has a hat on similar to last night's number. I just can't place the exact reference for it. I know I have something hilarious in the back of my brain about his hat, but I can't draw it out. I've tried luring it out with a lot of beer, but no luck.
Anyway, EJay either has a serious pout on his face or his underbite needs to be fixed. Let's check out his going away clip montage. It opens with EJay saying, "I want to be an American Idol because..." Well, it doesn't really matter why at this point. It's not happening, sport.
Last night, Simon said EJay's not an American Idol and it came to pass. I said I want to marry Christina, so I figure things are looking pretty good. EJay handles the rejection pretty well, I must admit. Better than I would have. I would've sucker-punched Seacrest in the kidneys, then stormed off. EJay takes it like a man, which earns my respect. And earning my respect is both difficult and worth achieving.
Before we move on, let's see what's airing over on Cinemax. Oh good, it's Bikini Car Wash 4, starring the kids from American Idol. We see hoses, squirting, wrestling, soap suds, tank tops and Christina in a bikini. "Do you mind if I playfully squirt water on you?" "Hee. Hee. No, not at all" Yeah! This was the best taped bit I've seen yet. I don't know what I did to deserve it, but I should keep doing it.
Now, before we cut our second singer of the night, let's rehash the judges' comments from the night before and compare them to how the fans felt. Kelly, you're fine. Jim, you're in trouble. Come stand over here please. RJ, Simon didn't like you, but the fans did. Also, your back hurts from falling off the stage. Christina, the judges love you and so do the fans. Justin, you're safe this week. Shocker! Nikki. Nikki looks hot tonight. Finally, a mesh shirt I can agree with. But she didn't get enough votes. Come stand next to Jim, please. A.J., Tamyra and Ryan, you're all safe.
Now, to torture the kids just a bit more, let's leave Nikki and Jim standing here like fools as we go to a commercial break. Before the break, Ryan Starr is already crying. Apparently, she missed the part about how she advanced. Or maybe she's really upset about the Sword of Damocles that's hanging inches from her pal Jim's head. She's kinda ruining the suspense for us. I guess it's obvious who's going to be cut. But, we've been surprised before.
Jim and Nikki certainly are going to have some time during this break to ponder their fates. La la la. Another commercial. Then another. I wonder if Jim will be in tears as well by the time we get back. Maybe he and Nikki will be making out. Sort of a Doomsday scenario. That would be fairly hilarious.
Hey, if Jim is the one cut, will Nikki have to sleep in a special "Almost a loser" room in the mansion tonight? Will she have to fetch drinks and snacks tonight for the seven that made it without a problem? Oh, the intrigue in that house!
Back to the show. Jim looks like he's about to boot. Ryan is still crying. It's okay, baby. The Journalist is here. And he can cure almost as much heartache as he causes.
And the loser is...excuse me, the cut goes to...Jim Verraros! Silence. I guess that's an odd moment. People normally cheer after a name is announced. I think the audience is confused as to what to do. Do they cheer, showing some sympathy and running the risk that it sounds like they're applauding Jim being cut? Do they boo, showing that they're on Jim's side, running the risk that they're booing Jim? Somebody set a protocol for this moment, please. It's going to happen seven more times.
Any words, Jim? "To all my fans, I love each and every one of you." Somewhere in Illinois, three people smile. The rest of the planet yawns.
Ryan and Dunk ask him if he has a favorite moment. He says nine of them, and points to the remaining contestants. Of course, with EJay gone, only eight are sitting there. He's emotional, I guess. Nobody can subtract correctly when they're emotional. Nikki thinks, "Better you than me, sucka! I'll mail you a postcard from next week's show."
The remaining kids get up to hug Jim. Except for RJ, who can't move. He must've busted up his spine pretty good Tuesday night in his plummet.
So that's it for this week. EJay and Jim are gone, and next week, one more will join them in the Pit of Despair. I don't know who it will be, and I'm not going to guess since I'm always wrong. But I do know this: I'll be back next week, and you'll love it!