Tonight is the Wild Card Show. If any who can't sing advances, it's completely Simon's fault. And considering that Randy and Paula like just about everybody, you gotta figure it's mainly Simon's call. If I had to be judged on something, I'd want Randy and Paula on the other side of the desk. If they were judges on "The Gong Show", the only person that would ever pick up the giant gong stick would be Jamie Farr.
Speaking of super fun games involving bad clothing, let's play "What the hell is he wearing?", starring Ryan Seacrest. Striped pants. You know, when I was in about the seventh grade, I wore a pair of striped pants to school one day. I got my ass kicked so hard I forgot the capital of Oregon. And my striped pants weren't half as bad as Seacrest's. I'm starting to think that they originally had a female host for the show and bought a bunch of wardrobe for her. Then she quit at the last minute and Seacrest replaced her. By then, it was way too late to buy mens clothes.
But tonight, we're here for the kids, not the pants. And the five kids that are getting one last shot are Kelli, Christopher Aaron, Alexis, Angela and RJ. RJ still looks a little apprehensive around the judges. Can't hardly blame him for that, though. Especially with Simon being so snappy. He's still not getting along with the other judges. He's still angry with some of the finalists. He's still wearing a tight black shirt. He's still...oh so Simon!
Okay, let's finally get to the show. Kelli is up first. Little background clip on Kelli, showing her path to this point. Kelli discusses how her mom told her that if she didn't sing "I Will Always Love You", she's not coming home. Perhaps they had a bad connection, and her mom actually said if she sung that song, she'd be home in fifteen minutes, because Simon did not enjoy her Whitney Houston impersonation.
We're shown the big moment when Jim was announced as the third finalist in that round, and Kelli hangs her head low. It looks like she's crying. I don't know, I can't really see around her hair.
Kelli promises not to do any Whitney tonight. Instead, she breaks out a different slow song. This one was made "popular" by Michael Bolton, King of All Mullets. Simon likes her performance and he's running this thing, so she's in pretty good shape.
In the Red Room, our hosts ask Kelli why she chose the song she did. She says it's because she knew she wouldn't sound like Michael Bolton. Of course! Nobody sounds like Michael Bolton! That's why he's the platinum-selling King of All Mullets!
You know, let's forget Kelli for a second. Look at Seacrest. When a guy is wearing pants like that, which is iffy in the first place, he definitely shouldn't cross his legs. The way he's splayed across the entire couch, he looks like he should be wearing a velvet robe, for heck's sake.
Anyway, we move on. Seacrest and Dunk repeat their old bit where Seacrest keeps talking on and interrupting Dunk. Yeah, I got that one already. Poor Dunk. When does he get to warm himself up in the spotlight? Although, I must say, he's a lot sassier tonight than ever before. He finally seems to be enjoying himself. A couple of great one-liners, a nice deadpan look. This kid could be the next Bob Saget!
Next up is Christopher Aaron. If this singing thing doesn't work out for him, Chris could always get a job selling stuff on TV. Just as a general spokesman. Once a week, Chris will come on TV for 30 seconds and say, "I'm really into Mighty Soap, John's Chocolate and that new Buzzer car this week." I have a feeling most people would think, "Oh, Chris likes that? It's probably pretty cool, then. Maybe I should get one."
Chris goes through his routine of "On Bended Knee", and it sounds like he's out of breath. The walk from the Red Room to the stage isn't that far, is it? Maybe they can get Chris a golf cart for the trip back. He needs to liven things up here, or he's in trouble. Maybe he can saucily rip the mic out of that stand he's using and kick it over like a badass! That'll look cool. Hmm...nothing yet. Say, whatever happened to Boyz II Men anyway? And when is Michael Bivens coming out with a new band? He should be a judge on AI2.
C'mon, Chris! Gimme something before it's too late! Ah, nothing. Simon found Chris' performance boring. I happen to know for a fact that Simon loves it when dudes kick over the mic stand, so Chris definitely should've gone with that move. Oh well.
Here comes Alexis. She's only 17, so I shouldn't say much. But that shirt is cut pretty low. She is not shy about what she has. And she certainly doesn't seem interested in the fact that Victoria's Secret is having a bra sale this weekend. Alexis is really flouncy. Like she'd really enjoy riding in go-karts and eating a twist cone. She'd probably be a lot of fun at an amusement park.
Oh, that's right. She sang tonight, too. Almost forgot. Simon is always calling average performances "cabaret". Now I know what he means. Listening to Alexis tonight, I feel like I should be eating steak Diane in a high-backed booth. "And waiter? Another scotch and soda in a highball, please?" Maybe later I'll drop a fiver in the fishbowl on top of the piano and request "Fly Me To The Moon".
Simon is frustrated by Alexis' performance because he thinks she has talent and isn't using it. Randy isn't keen on her either, but naturally, Paula liked her.
Hey! Tamika's back! The accidental celebrity. They did a bit in which a stagehand throws Tamika out of the Wild Card chair. At that exact moment, the clock hit "15:00" on her. And at this exact moment, I steal a worn out line. Usually, it doesn't take me so long.
RJ's back, and he's wearing a shirt that he apparently stole from a pirate. And it looks like when he nabbed the shirt, he nicked the buccaneer's earrings, too. I'd love to see a shirtless pirate hobble out on his pegleg right now and try to wrestle his duds back from RJ. But all we get is RJ singing. Of course, the last time he sung, we got a judge fight, so don't rule out the pirate just yet.
RJ busts out a little Stevie Wonder. I love Stevie, but all these kids do is slow ballads. Like it's a couple skate at the roller rink. How about something upbeat that I can do a little rump shaking to? Like "The Macarena" or something. I'm still hoping one of the kids will go nuts and perform "The Humpty Dance" or maybe Falco's "Amadeus". "Amadeus! Amadeus! Rock me, Amadeus! 1749. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart writes his first concerto." (computer drums go bee-boop-boop). What would the judges say to that? "Well, I like you, Chris, but you were just talking up there. I'm not sure what to say."
Randy and Paula love RJ. What else is new? And Simon? I can never guess. He loved RJ too. Fantastic. Great comeback by the kid.
Another taped bit, this one of the kids trying to imitate Simon. None of them can pull off English accents as well as me. "Hello, I'm Simon Cowell." See? Perfect!
Back to the show! Here's Angela Peel. Once again, Angela is wearing a skimpy red top and a black skirt. She dresses like a supervillian. One theme, all the time.
Simon rants again. He says it's unfortunate that only one Wild Card can be chosen because there's some real talent here and undeserving people are clogging up the Final 10. Somewhere, Jim and A.J. look at each other.
The judges discuss the kids behind their backs before making a final decision. Kelli was good, Chris bad. Paula says Alexis gave her best. Maybe she should've sung, "I gave my best, but I guess my best wasn't good enough." Cut to Alexis on the couch. That skirt isn't hiding much. Pouty look. Stick a lollipop in her hand, and suddenly I'm watching "Lolita".
The judges like the way that RJ bounced back, and they have lots of good things to say about Angela.
Now it's time to trot the kids before the judges. Just like prize ponies. Kelli gets good compliments, but they vaguely sound like the kind of things you say to somebody before you break up with them. "You're a really special person. You're really beautiful. You have a great future in front of you. Unfortunately, I want to date that chick you work with. You know, the hot blonde one?"
More compliments for RJ, but not so many for Alexis. Is there some way we can just keep her around? Just have her stand in the back or something? Maybe she could come over to my place and we'll watch the rest of the shows together.
Angela gets some praise, but the same kind of stuff that Kelli got. And Chris shouldn't have even bothered coming out. He still keeps his cool, though. It'd be great to see him just go berserk right now. Flip over the judges' table, punch a hole in that video screen and just trash the set. But he just stays cool.
And the wild card is...unanimously...RJ!
Starting Tuesday, all of the shows are live from here on out. Who's going to be the first one to fall on their face on live TV? "And IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII will always...um...how's the rest go?"
Simon says the easy part is over. It's going to get much, much harder from this point on. However, I feel that I am up for the challenge. I've been doing a lot of stretching lately.
And before we go, did you notice in the big group shot at the end how Ryan Starr kept shifting left and right whenever Seacrest got between her and the camera? Ryan didn't seem to be very happy with Ryan. Getting between her and a lens is like walking between a mother grizzly and a cub. "Aarrggh! That's my shot! Aarrgggh!"
So until next time kids...don't trust any wooden nickels.