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Week 17 - Tuesday

by Jaded

05/10/2005

Yesterday was just another Manic Monday. Typically, that's not my fun day. As for Tuesday, well, only three more Tuesdays this year will be special in any way. The rest of them will be crushingly rote. So let's enjoy it, friends! Our time together grows small! Grows small, you ask? Yes, I have turned an oxymoronic phrase into pure poetry. Again, only three more weeks of this.

In two weeks, we'll be at the Kodak Theatre in Hollywood. Also, I will have worked my way through to the Jack t-shirt in my deck of cards shirt collection. Tonight, as you can plainly see, is King. So, King Scene opens up the barn doors, and it must be like all those times he strolls into some happening sushi place and sees Paris Hilton.

Out in the crowd, somebody proudly holds up a sign that boasts, "My Idol can Ca_rie a tune." I assume on the back it reads, "Unfortunately, my daughter cannot use glue properly."

Carrie is up first tonight. I wonder how long it is until Shanna Underwood, Hayley Duff and Jamie Lynn Spears are on a TV show together. Carrie will be singing some Dixie Chicks, and if she knows what's good for her, she'll cut the performance short of the political commentary. People, uh, they didn't like that. Anyway, I'm willing to bet that Carrie has never actually been on the sin wagon. She seems like a girl who always went straight home after school. No smoking behind the gym for her, no sir! After the song, Randy proclaims Carrie ready for the record charts. As ready as Guarini was? Simon thought the whole thing was just perfect. Aww. By the way, that shirt Carrie is wearing cost $17 million. Those are all real diamonds!

Before the break, we get to see Bo Bice in makeup. Umm, thanks? Maybe that's just red Georgia clay to make Bo Bice feel comfortable before taking the stage. Ooh! Jasmine Trias. Yes! Anyway, Bo Bice is finally onstage. Is this some of that new country? Ugh. Bo Bice, you had so much good old country to choose from. Why this? Oh, Bo Bice. And how come a giant wind machine isn't being used for every Bo Bice performance? His hair should be blowing way out to the side. By the way, Bo Bice's shirt cost $7. Randy didn't love the song, but I'm sure he enjoyed Bo Bice's chain link necklace. Paula wasn't crazy about the song and Simon thought it was flat out boring. No new country! Never! Alan Jackson, Kenny Chesney, it can all burn!

No Trisha Yearwood either! Man, this first half of the show is brutal. At least Vonzell is wearing a nice party dress. Vonzell is trying and her singing is nice and all, but this song is just so, so, so boring, bland and bad. Ugh. Atrocious. Out in the audience, Mikalah tries to figure out when would be a good time to hold up her headshot. The judges liked Vonzell okay, but again, the song. No good.

Now we have Anthony. Will our trend stay alive? Not to jump to conclusions after two words, but yes. Although I do like him wearing a Canadian tuxedo as a tribute to Super Troopers. Anthony is already there. Where that might be, I have no idea. But there he is. Paula and Randy admire Anthony's steppingituppiness. Simon is as bored as the rest of us. He wonders if the song was a little too gooey or syrupy, but Seacrest assures us that there will be no swimsuit competition tonight. Um, I guess that rules out foxy syrup wrestling as well.

Now we're going to have songs from Gamble and Huff. Sorta like last week when he had songs from the writing team of X and Y. What's-their-heads. Uh, Samswell and Ricktorb. Hey, here's Gamble and Hoff! First up for the second time tonight is Carrie. You know, I can't help but notice that she's ignoring my direct order to wear her hair straight at all times. I'll have to have a second very awkward talk with her. I'll also have to remind her not to perform two slow songs in the same night. People want to dance! They like action! You know, I think I'm going to offer my services as a consultant next year. Finalists can hire me and I'll manage their campaigns like Mary Beth Cahill. Randy pronounces the whole thing boresville and Paula agrees. Simon thinks she completely mangled the song. Actually, he says the band mangled it for her. I wonder if Ryan will salute them at the end of tonight's show.

Second up for the second time tonight is Bo Bice. Hollywood Bo Bice is wearing sunglasses indoors again, friends! And he's singing perhaps the most ironic song in the history of Idol. I love it all! Hey, where are those background singers? In another building? Coming back at us straight from the ‘70s? Well, the crowd sure seemed to like that one. Randy loved it so much he wants to buy it. Simon hates the indoors shades, but he can't deny the music!

The Vonz? The Vonz? This has replaced Scotty the Body? Man. So here goes Vonzell, wearing the gold tank top version of the shirt Carrie was wearing earlier. And that's about all I can think to say for this performance. The electric John Stevens! Randy loved it, Paula loved it – there's LaToya sitting with ?Love from The Roots, by the way – and Simon sorta kinda loved it a little bit. Sorta. Vonzie? Two nicknames buffering one performance? This is all too much to handle. Oh! Wait! Vonz sounds like Fonz! I just got it! Now I love it! Oh my my my! That. Is. Clever.

Now we have Anthony, who had probably had nearly 200 Gamble and Hoff songs to choose from, yet opted for the same one as Carrie. Sure, maybe he picked his first. All I know is, he's going second tonight. Man, he's literally acting out this song like it's a very important conversation. He really means it! Carrie, heck, she just treated it as a song. To Anthony, this is life! And life is pain. Randy liked it so much he compares Anthony to Simply Red. Paula liked it and Simon calls Anthony ‘Whitey McWhiterson.' Ryan asks Anthony if he has soul and Anthony dryly replies, "Yes, I have soul." No, Anthony, no! Your response should've been, "Yes! And I'm super baaaaad!" Man, that would've been so perfect. Why can't more people think like me?

So that's that. Life continues.

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