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Week 16 - Tuesday

by Jaded

05/03/2005

Hello, Tuesday, my old friend. I've come to see you again. Minus our other mutual friend, Constantine. The country decided Idol had too many longhairs, much like the '68 Democratic Convention, and so Costas had to go. Oh well. Maybe he can catch on with a Broadway show about a metal band. Like how Mamma Mia is the music of Abba, except for Megadeth or something. Maybe they'll call it Mustaine's Army: The Musical. In fact, I might just go ahead and write this myself. And I will portray Dave's short stint in Metallica with a big, heavy number featuring 100 extras in a moshpit. And everybody will be wearing jean jackets with band patches sewn on the back.

Once our contestants filled stadiums. The barn doors and Jauntcrest springs on out, happy to be back on TV. We see a couple of ladies in the crowd who are possibly famous, but danged if I know. One of them might be Valerie Bertinelli-Van Halen.

Ryan tells the group that they have two themes to learn tonight. Bo Bice is probably hoping that the themes are Southern Rock and Southern Fried Rock. Then our host asks if they've heard of Lieber and Stoller. Scott has the same reaction as the rest of the country. Guh? Anyway, Lieber and Stoller wrote a bunch of songs

Before his song, Anthony describes himself as a goofball. Mikalah needs to give him some pointers on bugging out his eyes, giving ironic thumbs up and saying, "Hey! I'm wacky!" or else this self-appointed goofball label will never stick. Anthony is going to sing "Poison Ivy." Girls, this performance will make you itch! In a good way. I wish Anthony was wearing only one red shoe in a tribute to Tom Hanks. But alas. Randy wasn't thrilled with the performance, and Anthony responds that he's just trying to have fun. Hey, do that on your own time, champ. This is a contest! Simon tells Anthony that he'd better bail himself out on the second performance. Maybe he'll take on a Stoller and Lieber song. Ryan points out that Anthony has his glasses back on, and Anthony says, "Not really. My contacts expired." Hey, they're glasses, not mirrors, everyone! And if he goes home this week, it won't be because of the glasses.

After a break, Ryan is out in the crowd with a bunch of rowdy Bo Bice fans. This could get ugly. Hopefully nobody's holding a pool cue. Back on stage, Scott is going to perform a tribute to Constantine, "On Broadway." And he's going to do it wearing the longest t-shirt ever made. That has to be a promotional shirt for a cotton company or something just so they could get the AP headline of "World's Biggest Shirt Made in Tuscaloosa." Between his hair and his hoody jacket, Scott looks like he's waiting for a bus in the rain. Randy congratulates Scott on being just good enough. Paula congratulates Scott for pointing at Simon during the song. I congratulate Scott on finally shaving his underbeard. And Simon congratulates him for his best performance. All in all, a good time. Hopefully he doesn't blow it by tripping over his shirt walking offstage.

Vonzell is up next, singing an Elvis song. How could this possibly go wrong? Hey! Where are the big Vegas comeback special background lights? Sure, they came 15 years after this song came out, but still! I love ‘em! If you want Vonzell's love, you gotta treat her nice. Ways to treat her nice include taking her to dinner, complimenting her looks and buying her a pair of jeans that reach her ankles. Randy calls Vonzell's performance incredible, one of the best he's ever heard. Paula loved it. Simon, naturally, disagrees, leading one person to register the loudest boo in history before the rest of the crowd can catch up. Kudos to that guy.

So who's next? Why, it could almost be anybody who's named Bo Bice or Carrie. And…it's…Bo Bice. Hey, you guys wanna see a dead body? And a young Corey Feldman? Of course you do! So close your eyes and think of them while Bo Bice sings "Stand By Me." Darlin', darlin'! No indoor sunglasses on Bo Bice this week. He's so humble! For now. The question is, will Bo Bice stop this song to lead the audience in a round of clapping? Mmm, I guess not. But he should have. Out in the crowd, a sign reminds us that "You can't spell bodacious without Bo." Truer words have never been written on art paper. Incidentally, you also can't spell bovine or bohemian with those two magic letters. The judges, of course, loved Bo Bice.

Second Elvis song of the night! Twelfth pair of jeans that Carrie has worn on the show! Hey, what did the mic stand ever do to you? It supported you through so many performances and that's how you treat it? Oh, Carrie. Carrie did seem to feel some guilt about the kick, though, as she kinda lost her way in the middle of the song. The judges, of course, loved Carrie Underwood. And I, of course, am running out of pithy things to say. Let's see if I can recover…after the break.

In the second half of the show, the superstar Idol deluxes will be performing songs from this week's Billboard chart. This very week? Did I hear that right? What's on that thing right now? It can't be very good. What is this Anthony's singing? Staind? Hoobastank? Some pseudo-angtsy, fake rock band, obviously. Judging from how Anthony switched out the red shirt and shoes for black, I'm guessing he's not trying to have fun with this one. He's probably trying to be real. I wonder if he kept the same jeans on. Randy didn't like it. That was Backstreet Boys? Wow. Backstreet's back, all right! That song is brutal. One hundred songs to choose from and that's what Anthony zeroed in on? Simon liked it, though, so who cares what I say? Nobody!

Scott? Anything from Eminem or 50 Cent for you? This must be something off the R&B charts. Man, today's R&B is so, so bad. I just hate it. Brian McKnight? I just saw him on 40 Least Hip Hop Moments Ever. Randy and Paula loved Scott, so Scott takes the opportunity to give Simon a little pepper. But Simon ain't fazed, fool! He's gotta get that scrilla! The question is, if Scott is in the bottom 2 tomorrow, but doesn't go home, will both he and Simon feel validated about tonight? Find out on the live American Idol results show, Wednesday at 9/8c! Pitch, pitch, pitch!

Vonzell is back. Vonzell's comeback special! I like that chocolate dress. It's one of the nicest things anybody has worn this entire season. She looks great right now. The song? Eh, I'm sure it's fine. I don't know anything about that kind of stuff. That's why I have this job, and Randy, Paula and Simon have the red cups. Randy and Paula loved it, but Simon again is not thrilled. He won't tell Vonzell he loves her.

Bo Bice is back on stage! Oh my! Fringe on a jacket! Nothing could be more Southern rock. He might as well have a dip in for this song. Hey, is that my boy JPL in the crowd tonight? Lord, can you tell me? Randy calls Bo Bice the captain of the dog pound, which I assume is a promotion. Paula loved it. Simon nonchalantly liked it.

After the break, the shortest paragraph ever! Carrie isn't wearing jeans. This perhaps qualifies as a development. Maybe she hates her ankles or something. Chicks are weird like that. Is that a snake necklace? This paragraph is turning out to be longer than I ever imagined. Randy loved it, rounding out a perfect night for him. Paula was pleased and Simon thought it was good singing, if not a little dry. Much like the second half of this recap. Actually, that just plain sucked.

For the record, I won't be writing two recaps tonight just because the Idols did two songs. I don't need to measure up to them! Mainly because I already know they're better than me.

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