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Jaded's Recap: Week 8 - Tuesday

by Jaded

03/08/2005

Hey ladies in the place, I'm calling out to ya! There never was a city kid truer and bluer! There's more to me than you'll ever know, and I got more hits than Saduharu. Oh! Hey ladies, get funky!

Yes, it's ladies' night on Idol. Plus, Randy will make at least two references to his dog pound. Ryan, having come straight from the gym, kicks things off. Modern metal! Forget that Deep Purple '60s-style metal! Too meandering. Modern metal is hard! Aggressive! Your forehead will definitely bleed if you listen to modern metal!

Then our boy asks the judges if they have any advice tonight and Simon helpfully reminds everybody that this would be the worst possible week to go home because you're so, so, so close to the finals. And unless you make the finals, you're immediately and completely forgotten. Simon didn't actually say that second part, but it was inferred.

Hey! The star signs are back. Amanda Avila is a Gemini! Why, that changes everything! Amanda Avila, dressed for a post-office happy hour session, is up first tonight. If Amanda is any clue, the ladies will be about a week behind the guys in realizing that fun, upbeat songs are the way to go. Which is about normal! Did Amanda use tiny chicken bones to fasten her top tonight? What are those little things? And is that a corset? Boy, taking us all the way back to the Victorian era. Randy thought it was okay. Nice. Okay. Nice. But is that enough?! Paula, wearing her lucky charm necklace, thinks Amanda did just fine. Simon says that Amanda looks fine, sings poor. So...uh...hello, Vegas! Ryan asks Amanda what it's like as the pool of girls grows smaller each week and she likens it to soldiers in a war. Um, huh. I think I'll just let that one stand on its own.

After a break, Ryan talks with Nadia about friendship. Nadia, having attached three lucky oysters to her shirt, says that she misses Celena, but not so much that she wishes she got cut instead of Celena last week. At least that's how I heard it. Then Janay, a Libra, takes the stage. Libras are very romantic, did you know that? Is Li'l Kim also a Libra? Questions, questions! I'm starting to notice that Janay doesn't know what to do with her face when she sings. She always seems mildly confused and upset, no matter what she's singing. It's...interesting. Randy is definitely confused and upset by Janay's performance. He thinks it was her worst. Paula agrees. Simon definitely agrees. He claims that Libras will be taking a long trip tomorrow. Possibly back home. Upon hearing that withering criticism, Janay makes the same face she does as when she sings. If that face was a noise, it would be unh.

Next up is Carrie, a Pisces who loves to fish. Hmm. You know, none of the Tauruses last night said they loved bullfighting. I guess they're not just as into their signs as Carrie is. Speaking of the Pisces, why did they give her a sky backdrop? Wouldn't the babbling brook be more appropriate? By the way, if you're looking for the money parts on Carrie tonight, let those silver sequin beacons be your guide. What a nice outfit. If you're going out on a first date at a chain restaurant in Tulsa for Spicy Jack Quesadillas, this is what you wear. Because you love her! Randy wasn't blown away by Carrie tonight, but he did drop his first dog pound reference. Only one more to go! Simon doesn't think it was great, but whatever. She'll totally be in the finals anyway, bro! Afterwards, Ryan asks Carrie if she'll always be country and she replies in the affirmative. Even on hip hop night. Hip hop and country, finally merged into one. Just like Big & Rich. Except they're terrible.

Speaking of country, look at Vonzell's outfit! Hoo, doggie! She looks like Buck Swope at the start of Boogie Nights. Vonzell is also a Pisces. But she doesn't like to fish. Or even eat fish, as far as we know. Okay, that is definitely the shortest jacket in the history of the world. Her earrings are longer! How do you even get that thing on? Why not just put on two denim sleeves and call it a night? And why wear this when singing Aretha? The only way I could be more confused is if she was singing in Korean. The judges liked it though. Simon rubs his eyes like he just woke up after a nap. He also has no idea what Vonzell is wearing, but she says her daddy bought it for her. Now it's time to find out if her dad actually likes her or not. Ryan asks Simon what he meant by "lassoo", then wonders what part of the Valley Simon is from. See, that's a California thing. But Simon is actually from England , so...I don't get it. And I live here.

Following another break, Nadia Turner, the famous Capricorn, is ready to sing. Nadia is rough rough and stuff with her afro puffs. Hey! Man, whatever happened to the Lady of Rage? Does she ever hang out with Sister Souljah and talk about the good ol' early '90s? Nadia's skirt is almost as short as Vonzell's jacket. Plus, it has a treasure chest on it. I love it! Nadia aggressively sings "Try a Little Tenderness," and Randy likes the song so much he drops his second dog pound reference of the night. I'm right on target! Paula and Simon loved it as well, though they don't refer to the dog pound in any way.

Lindsey Cardinale is an Aquarius. Hence the aqua top tonight. Is this the new Age of Aquarius? Boy, with wordsmithing like that, I could write for a newspaper! I'm coming for you, Joel Stein! Lindsey's outfit is right in line with most Idol outfits, in that it has a bunch of stuff hanging off of it. I'd love to see a race between the girls tonight. It would look like a bunch of curtains flying down the track. See? See? This is a Pisces backdrop! Water! Fish! Pisces! Randy and Paula were okay with it, but Simon says Lindsey is the Ryan Seacrest of music. Ouch. Wow. Ouch. That is...a mortal blow. Ryan scurries up on the judges' platform, shows America how short his t-shirt is, then tries to douse Simon. Water fight!

Now we have Mikalah, another Capricorn. Is she dressed for aerobics class after the show? Why is that top so long? Mikalah is slowing things down for the second week in a row and leaving the mid-song chatter to a minimum. I'm glad my advice has finally helped somebody. Man, remember that scene in Falling Down when Michael Douglas ran into Mikalah and that finally pushed him over the edge? That was cool. Randy lauds Mikalah for being brave enough to choose that song. Look at his watch! Even Puffy is thinking, "Man, that thing is gaudy. Tone it down, brother." No! Another dog pound reference! I lost on the over! Paula also likes Mikalah's risk taking, so I assume she'll finance Mikalah in a Prince of Tides sequel. Simon says he doesn't get Mikalah any more. So, I'm sorry my advice has killed somebody. At least Simon stayed dry this time around.

Now, for those of you wondering whether or not the Idols get to keep their wardrobe each season, the answer is no. Because Jessica Sierra is clearly wearing Jon Peter Lewis' velther jacket from last night. My name is Ad Rock and I'm a Scorpio! Don't ask me 'cause I just don't know! Now put Jessica's name in place of Ad Rock and you're all set. A lot of lyrics found their way into the recap this week, By the way, I predict this summer's big fashion trend will be male cleavage. I'll let you figure out how it works. But trust me, it's repulsive. Anyway, back to Jessica. Randy and Paula loved it.

So that's that. Eight songs, sixteen ovaries. What a night! Seacrest! Changing his sign off! No, wait. I don't...is the show over? Should we go home now? I...I...help!

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