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Jaded's Recap: Week 7 - Monday

by Jaded

02/28/2005

Remember last week? Wasn't last week great? Well, this week will be just like it, except without Judd and...um...what's his head. Forgot him already. Jude? Jared? Jared! So the pressure's on two more dudes this time, unless they don't mind completely dropping off our radar for good.

The show starts and I'm hoping tonight's episode features a guest appearance by Antonio Banderas singing "Al Otro Lado del Rio ". What a magical moment Sunday night that changed all of our lives for the better! On that note, is Carlos Santana the only Spanish-speaking person in the world that plays guitar? They use him for everything! There's nobody else on the Iberian or Baja peninsulas that can strum along?

Anyway, as far as Idol is concerned, Ryan is dressing both down and up tonight. T-shirt and pinstriped suit pants. KING something it says. KING SCENE. That means...something, I suppose. I guess I'm not tuned in enough. Ryan then reminds us who got cut last week, inadvertently demonstrating that once you leave Idol, they burn all existing video footage of your failed performances. But I enjoyed the file photos of Judd, Jared, Sarah and Melinda.

We see what the judges have to say and Ryan and Simon break down over the greatest inside joke of all time. They don't even have to talk at this point. They just exchange funny brain waves! Then it's finally time for some singing. Mario Vazquez, dressed for super hip Easter services, kicks things off by telling us that he loves music. I like his jacket, but I'm pretty sure you could use that hat to drain pasta. I can't believe they didn't find a special South Beach backdrop to match Mario's outfit. The song ends, the crowd goes wild, the judges compliment the effort and ask for more and Mario possibly pulls into first place early on. Why, he's this generation's Justin Guarini! It's just too bad he missed that spot under his lip when shaving this morning.

If you took a photo of Mario's outfit tonight, then looked at the film negative, it would look like Joseph's outfit. Hey, that's science talking. Onto Anwar. So how will the Desert Eagle's performance be tonight? Educational! See, because he's a music teacher. See? Ha! Anwar finishes and is very, very, very excited. He must've reached some personal goal we're not aware of. The judges love Anwar, particularly on a technical level that the rest of us don't understand. Whoo!

Next up is Joseph Murena, who astutely notes the difference between singing alone in your bathroom and singing in front of a large crowd. I guess he's never showered at the gym. Joseph, like Gob Bluth, seems to be fond of wearing an initialed belt. J. Holds up my pants, tells you my name! Dig it! Randy wants more out of Joseph, Paula got just enough out of him and Simon sort of predicts that we'll be seeing a still photo of Joseph at the start of next week's show. By the way, how a'70s Portuguese lounge act is any different from today's, I cannot say.

We come back from a break and Ryan makes an attempt at riffing on Simon's Portuguese bit. Something about Simon being barred from clubs or something. Seacrest certainly found the jibe delightful, judging from his pearly, pearly smile. The crowd, however, just rode it out and waited for David Brown to take the stage wearing the longest shirt since the days of Ruben. It's possible that David's turtleneck squeezed his throat too much, because the judges were less than impressed. And keep in mind, one of those judges has been banned from Portuguese nightclubs in L.A. , so, you know, think about it. Randy reminds David to never forget that it's a competition and David looks like he can't figure out what that means exactly. "Uh huh. So...I'm going to lose? Or somebody else might be worse? What are you saying, Randy?"

Constantine is up next. Before starting his song, he brags that he likes to live dangerously. You know, riding a motorcycle without a helmet, putting mayonnaise on everything and...uh...appearing on American Idol. Seriously. He claimed that's a part of living dangerously. He's such a bad boy, ladies! I'll tell you one way to live dangerously. Add rocker screeches to your American Idol performance. Hmm. And dig those wild, rock n' roll camera angles. Low angle! Pan right! Whoa! Simon isn't impressed with Constantine 's effort tonight, but Constantine gives him just a smirk in return.

Back from another break and Seacrest is hanging out with George Huff. Wait, wait, that's Travis Tucker. Or, going by tonight's outfit, Travis Untucker. Yes! Same bad joke, two weeks in a row! Onstage, Scott Savol is sporting special sunglasses in a tribute to Jamie Foxx. Or possibly Martin Lawrence. And his shirt might have David's beaten by an inch or two. I'm calling for a post-show measurement. And also a post-show investigation into where Scott's mustache went. The beard is there, that's no problem. Oh! Mikalah is wearing hoop earrings the size of her head! Golly. They're like bicycle tires. Randy was okay with Scott's performance, but Paula and Simon really dug it. Then the prompters go down and Seacrest is left adrift like he's driving on a highway without exit signs. "Where do I get off?!?"

Dancin' Travis Tucker! Look at that guy go! Boy, the guys definitely took last week's advice ("Quit being so boring and safe!") to heart. Extra credit for Travis pulling himself up by his own shirt. And I also like the Nazareth pose at the end. How was the singing? I dunno. I was too distracted to notice. The judges liked it and that's good enough for me. But then again, I'm not very demanding. Simon even apologized for his criticism of last week, putting a rip in the fabric between our world and the bizarre universe. A good Seacrest joke here and we're all doomed!

After another pause, Ryan asks Anthony how he feels being called the next Clay Aiken. I...hmm...you know, I'll just move on. There's Nikko , there's... no hat! What is this? Gosh, the top of Nikko 's head is just as glorious as I imagined. It's as if I saw the face of God and he looked just like "The Creation of Man." "Yes! That's what I thought!" is what I would say. The judges loved Nikko , but Simon thinks he looks too much like Bobby Brown. Seems that Simon is a Ralph Tresvant man.

Before his song, Anthony raves about the positive fortune cookies he's been receiving, believing they're a sign of positive fate. I know he's young and all, but does he think negative fortune cookies exist? "You are a miserable person. Babies hate you instinctively. Lucky numbers: None for you." Anthony wants us to show him what love is, and I say true love is not letting those close to you wear jeans that look like Swiss cheese. Unless those holes are musical vents or something, I recommend standard pants next time out. The judges loved Anthony.

Bo Bice tells us that his boss made him choose between Idol and his job. But really, can it be that hard to find a job at another garage? Keep in mind, I love Bo Bice. Bo Bice then rocks out possibly the best Allman Brothers song of all time, "Tied to the Whipping Post." Good Lord, I feel like I'm dying. Of excitement. Which...actually doesn't make any sense. Oh, if only any of the Allman Brothers were still alive to witness this. But rampant substance abuse and seven bus crashes tend to wipe out a band. Bo Bice uses the mic stand, his hair, that stuff stitched on his wrist and every inch of the stage to deliver a completely dominant performance. Bo Bice! The judges love Bo Bice, and the ladies love how Bo Bice's goatee matches his little patch of chest hair. Again, Bo Bice! By the way, if you're wondering, the official color of Bo Bice's pants is "hippie brown."

The show ran right into its end so Seacrestout! No time for more! Of course, I could go on much, much longer if I wanted to. But I don't.

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