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Jaded Recap: Want to see a magic trick?

by Jaded

5/07/2003

First off, let me say that is quite possibly the worst headline I've ever seen. I really wish I could blame it on somebody else. Which I will. This guy Dave that works here wrote it. He sucks but I thought I'd give him a shot. Now I know better. You know, I probably could've saved myself this elaborate ruse by spending another thirty seconds coming up with a half-decent title, but whatever.

Oh, right! A show is on tonight! This show is super extra serious because after this we only have three more people, and that's much more important than when we're left with nine more people. I can't even begin to process how incredibly dramatic Deep Voice's intro is going to be tonight. It'll be as serious as Dan Rather reporting live from Beirut in '83.

"These four faces fought for their place in the competition. Tonight, the road ends for one." I mean, The Ten Commandments didn't get off to such a serious start. I hope you pay very, very close attention to tonight's festivities. They're quite important! Ryan, absolutely brimming with pep, comes bouncing out to start the show. He's wearing a t-shirt that has either Che Guevara's or Clay Aiken's visage smeared on it. Oh, I just got a good look at it. It's actually Sid Vicious. Is that anything that screams punk more than a guy with blond highlights and a fake tan hosting a pop music talent contest? It's likely that there is not.

Ryan quickly introduces the judges. Since he's done this every week, you don't have to be cynical and assume he did it just so Paula could bring up that Ryan is now one of People's 50 most beautiful people. If you're wondering, I came in 51st. I'm the Puerto Rico of that dang list. Although for what it's worth, People once named Patrick Swayze the sexiest man alive, and these days he looks like he's been in actual road house fights, not just a movie about them.

Another group medley! It's safe to assume that Gino Toretta loves the color scheme of Ruben's jersey tonight. Kimberley emerges from behind the giant screen to sing lead for her group, Kimberley Locke and the New Pips. Clay then heads into the audience to serenade.Random Woman.

Following some commercialerios, Ryan heads over to his clear little podium. Time to get real, people! But first, here's a little reminder. At this time last season, Tamyra Gray was voted off and Nikki McKibbin moved on to the next round. I don't mention that to make any specific points, I just like making people aware that I know various things. For instance, did you know that Jupiter has 39 known moons and one of them is named Io? I hope somebody on American Idol 3 is named Io McCracken. I would definitely root for him. Or her.

Now for the results! Kimberley, you heard some good and some bad last night. You're in the bottom two. Bum buh buh! Clay. You couldn't decide which color to go with for your striped shirt tonight, so you went with all of them. You look like a book of carpet samples. But your singing was great last night and the judges loved you. You're safe. Ruben. Everybody really loved you last night. Dog. Did I use that right, homeys? Josh. You were good last night and the judges liked you. As a reward, you can sit here quietly until we're back from the break.

But before said break, let's have some sponsored fun! Ruben dresses up like Biggie when he was still alive, and Josh dresses up like Mike D in the License To Ill days. Then Clay comes out of the house dressed as Alfalfa, which disappoints Mad Magazine fans. I'm sorry, I mean fan. Then Ruben throws some duds at him, and a minute later he comes back out dressed like Jack White.

We come back and Ryan is selling us on American Juniors once again. Ryan then reminds us that we had the same Ruben/Josh stare down, only this week we have a different result. Josh's plunging v-neck shirt wasn't enough to keep him planted on the couch. A sign in the crowd fills us in that "Kimberley Can Locke It Up." Below those sage words is about 300 square inches of blank space. I guess the hardware store was sold out of the big letters. And scissors.

Judges, what do you think about the small assortment of people before you? "I agree." "I agree." "I agree." Well, now that we have all this concurrence, let's rest up with some more commercials. Perfect timing, because I'm getting all typed out. Okay, we're back. Let the dram.Josh you're out! Man, that came quick. And cold. Like giving somebody a tetanus shot when they're not looking. Josh wraps up the show by singing to his baby. Even a professional blackheart like me can't help but get a little dust in my eye at the moment. Although I compose myself well enough to comment this looks like a spot for Baby Wipes right now. Aww. Cute.

So now Josh is heading back to home base. But I'm sure he'll land on his feet. Heck, the Country Singing Marine angle goes a long way, as Jim Nabors could surely attest. At least Josh will always have the satisfaction of drilling me in the head with a water balloon, a claim only a few dozen people can make.

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