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Jaded's Recap: Dewey Defeats Truman!

by Jaded

6/19/2002

Those plucky American hockey players knocked off the big, bad Soviets. Harry S Truman actually defeated Dewey, despite what everybody thought. And now Jim is moving on to the final group of ten. What just happened here?

First of all, the sun came up today and, in other news, Tamyra was the first finalist. This had the nail biting tension of getting a drink from a vending machine. Now that we have that out of the way, let's get rolling.

But wait! What's this? In a Love Boat-esque surprise guest star move, Tamika is back! You remember Ta-mee-ka, of course. It's possible we'll remember Tamika six weeks after we've forgotten the AMERICAN IDOL. And Tamika is here to expound. She asks the now universal question, "What is frim fram sauce?" Still no answer to that one. Ryan ain't talking. She knows how to build buzz all right. On another tangent, I'm guessing if frim fram sauce is cream-based, Ryan has never tasted it. If her belly got any flatter, it'd be strictly theoretical, like atomic science. Quasars and stuff, yeah!

Back to Tamika. She said Jim "sucked". No arguments here. Cut to a shot of Jim for his reaction and he looks like he's about to cry. Tamika goes on to tell Rodesia that she could've performed "Daydream Believer" better than her. That might be the harshest insult of the night. I wouldn't expect a huge reaction out of Rodesia, though. Last night after Simon told her that he didn't like her rendition of the song, Rodesia went back to Ryan and Brian and said something like, "I guess he didn't like the way I sang it." Right. Thanks. Perhaps Rodesia and Tamika can settle their differences in a hot oil wrestling match nobody will want to see.

So we ask Jim what he thinks of Tamika's jibes at him and he looks like he's going to break down at any second. "You know, it really hurt. I..." Yes! This is going to be great! Imagine how weird his mouth moves when he cries! "No! Wait! 1-800-ABCD...". At this point all I heard was clicks and buzzing as I tuned Jim out. I don't know what the heck he was just talking about, but it was dumb. No way anybody is pulling for this guy. He can't sing and he's not funny. Just like me, except he has better glasses.

And now...the second finalist is...Ryan Starr! Oh, glory! Ryan's a terrific inspiration for all the pretty people out there. No matter what, things will always work out for you. Needless to say, Ryan looks as hot as all get out. She has me thinking very unclean thoughts about her, a gallon of frim fram sauce and a midget named Bob Shafafa.

Which means we have one spot left. And Adriel, Chris and Kelli all are in the running for it. Whatever happens, two of these kids are getting worked over. And even if one gets the wild card, another big talent goes home. And so...it is...Jim?

Jim? Jim Verraros? Jim Mushmouth? Well, judging from his reaction, he's as shocked as the rest of the nation. He can barely make it to his chair. I hoped Chris or Adriel would say "Sorry, bro, you're taking too long", elbow Jim aside and usurp the chair.

I will say this about Jim. There's not much room in the chair for him because the massive chip on his shoulder is a real space eater. He's taking Simon on one-on-one in a glaring contest. Only Simon doesn't look like a sissy when he glares.

So there you have it. Three finalists down, seven to go. And judging from last night, a million more surprises.

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