Jaded's Recap: Three Finalists Perform

And lo, the wailing of tears and gnashing of teeth was great as Katharine of the Valley became a part of the mighty triumvirate. Tho Christopher the Adopter was considered powerful of throat and destined, he was felled by the millions of swords raised for Katharine of the Valley. But fret not! For Christopher the Adopter wouldst soon be rescued by four knights of the order of Powerpop. Let this tale forever be told as a warning to those who would be Idol.

So tonight's theme is We're Almost Done. Hmm. You know what I just noticed? On Tuesday nights, Seacrest strolls out through the barn doors. But on Wednesday eves, he walks out from stage left. I'm sure that is rife with symbolism, I just can't figure out what it symbolizes. Wait. Hold please. Tonight's theme is actually Triple Picks. One pick by Idol mainstay Clive Davis, one by a judge and one by the Idol themselves. So I'm going to call tonight's them Triple Picks (We're Almost Done).

First up is Elliott, performing "Open Arms" as chosen by Journey superfan Clive Davis. Before he starts, let's all take a moment to remember that Journey working on the docks video and share a chuckle. Someday! Love! Will! Find! You! Okay, now on to the song and an apparently super-nervous Elliott. Maybe he's worried his giant collar is about to swallow his whole head. Boy, that was short. Randy tells Elliott to be a little more aggressive next time. Paula loved it. Simon agreed with me that Elliott was a little uptight. He didn't know that he was agreeing with me, but he still did.

Clive has selected "I Believe I Can Fly" for Kathy. I have two problems with this. One, I don't like this song. Two, if you really want some R. Kelly, why not all 23 chapters of "Trapped In The Closet"? Kathy could do a little acting, which she's apparently fond of, and sing "I'm starting to trip! Don't know what to do!" By the way, you want a real challenge? Try picking just one R. Kelly joke for your column. It's like going to beach in search of a specific grain of sand. The question is, did Clive originally pick this for Chris and just decided to use it for Kathy anyway? Hey, what got into Katharine this week? Snicker. She's awfully energetic right now. Like somebody who had a near death experience and then decides to carpe that diem. But no matter how hard she tried, Randy didn't think the song was right. Paula tries to pass on her turn, but Simon quite liked it indeed. Especially considering that Katharine didn't actually choose the song.

This song made Courtney Cox a star. Now it's Taylor's chance. And for Taylor, dancing in the dark is a great idea, since I don't like seeing him dance in the light. Well, they blew up the chicken man in Philly last night. Blew up his house too. That's another great Bruce song. Let's focus on this one for now. Wanna change my clothes, my hair, my face! Not me, of course. I love that combo on me. And then Taylor recreates the Courtney movement with Paula, which I actually have to admit was quite clever. Bully for him! Randy thought it was hot and Paula thought it was great. SOUL PATROL! Simon thought it was merely okay. soul patrol. Man. Taylor with this Soul Patrol stuff. He's like a recent immigrant who only knows a handful of English words. "Excuse? Uh...Soul patrol? Patrol? Hello, please to be...how you say...cheeseburger? "Huh? You wanna cheeseburger? Oh. Okay. See that place with the red roof over there? They have all the cheeseburgers you need." "Thank you, thank you! Soul patrol! Soul patrol! Cheeseburger! Soul patrol!" "Yeah, whatever you say, Klaus."

Ryan's sitting with the judges, the cameramen have stopped working. What is happening here? Then the mayor of Elliottville reads off Paula's song choice. Your tax dollars at work! Now the funkiest white boy is on the stage, trying to make the ladies go ahhhhh. I wonder why Elliott sings everything chin first. He tilts his head back ever so slightly. Maybe he just really wants to get his mouth out there. Randy wasn't that crazy about the tune, in the vein of keeping it real. Paula thought it was great. I think this recap is great, so I know where she's coming from. Simon thought it was pretty good. So there you go. Three totally diverging opinions. Hope that helped!

Did you know that the LA mayor's real name is Antonio Villar? And his wife's name was Raigosa? And when they married, they decided to meld it all into Villaraigosa? C'est vrai! So two of California's biggest elected officials are Villaraigosa and Schwarzeneggar. That's a lotta letters, bro! Ah, sitting Katharine is back! For like the fourth time this year. She looks like she's sitting on her bedroom floor folding sweaters for storage now that winter is over. You know, I do just love it when my troubles melt away like lemon drops. I can't lie. I can only imagine how huge Simon's smirk is right now as Katharine expertly handles the song he chose. Randy thinks it was Katharine's best effort of the year. A weepy Paula loves Kathy. And Simon finally feels validated for a change, calling it the best performance of the season.

Taylor doing some Joe Cocker, huh? Is he going to be wearing a bee costume for this performance? Because I'm expecting a significant amount of facial contortions. Hold on here. Did Taylor actually break up with somebody right before this song just to make it more poignant? Because it sure looks like he did. Either that, or there's a weird smell on stage that Taylor can't quite place. It's probably anise, dude. It's almost always anise. Old Blue Glasses Randy liked it. Paula thought it was beautiful. Simon thought it was great, probably because Taylor didn't move that much during the song. It's almost like...there's a connection there.

For the contestant choice, Elliott has opted to wear a white pinstriped blazer. He looks like an elegant cake. Hmm. It seems that I've run out of things to say about Elliott tonight. I guess I'll just sit back and let the music wash over me. And the music is warm. Hey, Zac Efron, I didn't realize you were so rad. But that wild look into the camera there proved otherwise. Although I still don't know who you are. Randy didn't like the song, but loved the singing. Paula loves Elliott's soulfulness. Simon begins Elliott's eulogy a little early.

Hi, boots! Look out, everybody! It's Kathy dancing! Well, this is interesting. Really...interesting. Randy wasn't crazy about it. Paula thought Kathy should've quit after the second song. So did Simon.

So...uh...looks like I'm running out of things to say in general, not just about Elliott. Getting old. So, so old. Here's Taylor rounding things out. Did you notice how Simon had his chin buried in his chest when they showed the judges there? I guess he thinks if he doesn't look at Taylor's spasms, he can give a more honest criticism. Let's just focus on the voice. Randy loved it. Paula loved it. Simon loved it. And the angriest little blonde girl in the whole wide world standing in the audience loved it. Yargh!