Jaded's Recap: Seven Finalists Perform

If you want my loving, and you think I'm cuddly, come on wifey, let me know. So sangeth Ned Flanders to Maude in a sanitized version of Rod Stewart's "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?" And tonight, Brett Young will sing something similar, then vacantly stare into the camera, lost in his passion for you. It'll be quite touching, trust me. The only question is, will it make Rachel Hunter swoon?

The barn doors slide open and Seacrest emerges sporting an odd and disturbing smile. Shh! Can you believe it's been five entire days since we've last seen the judges? So tonight's musical guest is Rod Stewart. And no, that's not Idol Executive Producer Nigel Lythgoe talking about Rod in the piece. It's Rod himself. Although the doppelganger effect may be why Rod is on the show this week.

Rod Stewart has a baby! My word. So, if a chap is wearing a skinny tie with diamonds on it, and none of the diamonds intersect, does that still qualify as argyle? Assuming that if the tie was wide enough, it would be actual argyle. Actually, a better question is why do I care?

Chris Daughtry is starting things off tonight. Is he wearing a cravat? Wow. That is not very Fuel. He's dressed like a railroad baron at his daughter's wedding. The reception started getting wild, so Chris ditched his tails and top hat, rolled up his sleeves and took the mic to sing to his little girl. I'm sure he's going to check his pocket watch at the end of this number. Randy was slayed by Chris' sensitive side. Paula loved it. Simon, heartily patting himself on the back for his coaching, calls it a great performance. Now Chris can go celebrate by sitting in an overstuffed leather chair. Just like a good baron should!

Paris, smartly dressed for a job interview at a marketing firm after the show, is up now. So what did Ryan do for Easter? Not that Paris asked or anything, but apparently Simon came over in a bunny costume and laid an egg. Right. Well...um...there's a joke in there somewhere, I'm sure. A very, very, very, very inside joke, but still. Anyway, now Paris is singing. I really hope she gets that job. Although she might not need it, because Randy thinks this was Paris' best night yet. Paula thinks the song was perfect. Simon thought it was terrific.

So it seems that SNL mocked Taylor over the weekend. I had no idea. Mainly because SNL is unwatchable any more. Yeah, even the video shorts. Pipe down, you early adopters. No mic stand this week for Taylor. And if he's smart, no mic stand ever again. It just causes too many problems for him. Oh my God! Taylor is hurt! Somebody rush up onstage and save him! No, wait. He's just dancing. You got it down if you appear to be in pain. Jumping around, shaking his rump. And if a doodle chump pump points a finger like a stump, Taylor can tell him step off, he's doing the hump. The judges were thrilled by the whole thing. Even the dancing.

Rod Stewart is a lot more tan than Elliott. Boy, Elliott seems awfully happy singing this song, doesn't he? You'd be happy too if you thought to match a showy tuxedo jacket with an average button-down shirt. Randy thought it was a very nice job indeed. Paula said the song was perfect for Elliott. Simon liked the vocal but thought it needed some personality. Like, perhaps a magic trick. Or, blue people in the background using PVC pipes as drums.

Okay, so what will Kellie say this week that's just so down home aw shucks? Well, that didn't take long. Does Kellie know the word you only has three letters? She seems to think it has about twelve. She sure can fit into a dress, though. And where she's from, that's more important than anything else except college basketball. Randy proclaimed the performance to be pitchy. Paula liked the dress. Simon was bored by it and spent the entire two minutes calculating what his interest rates are earning.

Next up is Brett. A ponytailed man wearing a suit who insists his name is Ace is never to be trusted. And if he starts singing a ballad, run! There's no way Brett's shoulders are that broad. That jacket isn't fooling me! So no vacant stare to close the song, but you did get a lip quiver. Take what you can get. Randy thought it was pretty okay. Paula liked it. Simon felt it wasn't too bad, which counts as his highest compliments to Brett yet.

Rounding things out tonight is Kathy, wearing Brett's suit. A real quick change trick right there. By the way, I will happily volunteer for the job of watching over Katharine. I hope it's a full time position. Now here's a performance not nearly as frenetic as Taylor's. Wait, wait. She's standing now. So there is a little choreography in it after all. Man, it's a starry, starry night in the studio right now. Let's lay a blanket down and just gaze up at those little lights as we get lost in our love for each other. Randy loved it. Particularly the $3 million necklace Kathy is wearing. Paula thought the song choice was perfectly elegant. And Simon thinks Katharine was miles ahead of everybody else. #7 on your phone votes, #1 in your hearts.