Jaded's Recap: Week 8 - Wednesday

Can you believe it? After tonight, we'll have our final 12! And then it's only a short walk – and 11 more weeks – until we have our next American Idol! Oh my God, I'm starting to ooze! "It's Wednesday night, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz. This is American Idol." In case, you know, you don't have a one-a-day Dilbert calendar to tell you what day it is.

Ryan tells the audience that they voted 120 million times last night, which works out to something like four votes per viewer. I mean, seriously. Ryan introduces the judges, who are well aware that solid colors look best on television. Everybody say hi to Safari Randy! Then we get a recap of last night and I finally figure out what was bothering me about the end of Jessica's performance last night. She looked like she was skiing for the first time and learning how to stop. Toes together!

Hey, remember Monday night? It looked a little something...like this! Could Anwar's teeth be any whiter? Anyway, it's time for some dang results. Mario, Lindsey, Anthony and Vonzell are called to center stage. I have a feeling Ryan isn't going to pull any candy out of his pockets for them. No, he's going to give them the super ultra fake out deluxe. And you thought we were going to get the final results seven minutes in, didn't you?! Come on!

Ryan points to Constantine and Bo and asks which one will stay and which one will go. I guess we can only have one longhair in the finals. When is this country going to get past quota systems? You know, you'd think if you made it to the finals, they'd give you a nicer chair. Those things look mighty uncomfortable. Ryan, continuing his oh-so-tricky ways, informs Carrie that he's sorry...but she's succeeded! She's in the finals! So is Nadia, who is wearing jeans under her dress.

Constantine . Bo. Man, they do not look like they want to be a part of this. Bo, you're in. Is Constantine wearing a Justin Guarini t-shirt? If so, American Idol just went meta. He is! Wow. That is pure gold. Ryan then consoles Constantine ...because he's also in the finals! Man. At this point, Ryan could say, "I'm sorry, you're not moving on. Seriously, you're going home. I mean it." and people wouldn't believe it unless he actually drove the person to the airport and put them on a plane. And even then I'd be waiting for the twist until that jet was wheels up. Unless...when they arrived home...Ryan was waiting in their living room to say, "Going home to the finals, that is! Psyche!" Anyway, it's a good thing Constantine made up, because I heard Pray For The Soul of Betty just got Dave Grohl to take over lead vocals for them.

Ah, who cares? It's time for more results. Remaining men, here it is. Anwar, you're fine. Ladies? If your name is Jessica, you're in the finals. And now it's time for another break. Imagine if you had to wait ten more minutes to see if your entire life was ab out to change. Of course, as far as most of us are concerned, we'll wait the next ten minutes to see if we want more ranch chips.

We're back and the guys are called to the principal's office. Randy thinks it's down to Scott and Nikko , Paula refuses to participate and Simon says Travis is gone. So that must feel pretty good. You know what else feels good? Making the final 12, as my boy Scott would be more than happy to tell you right now.

Ladies, now it's your turn. Randy likes Mikalah. The other judges aren't allowed to speak. Mikalah, who was able to walk to the studio through five inches of snow thanks to her boots, makes it into the finals. Thanks to her aerated mesh outfit, she's able to quite easily walk over to the 12 th chair.

So that's your 12. According to Anthony's t-shirt, something rules. D-something. San Diego ? San Diego rules? Disco! Disco rules? What? That must be one of those ironic t-shirts hipsters are so into these days. Look at that Guarini t-shirt! So, so awesome! Bless you, Constantine Maroulis. Now let's celebrate this glorious occasion with a very special Seacrest Out! Hoorah!