Jaded's Recap: Week 7 - Wednesday

We only have 30 minutes together tonight, kids. That averages out to one kid cut every 7.5 minutes. We have to move fast! "Welcome to American Idol" and "Seacrest. Out." are going to feel like they came only seconds apart. Wemaynotevenhaveanytimeforthespacebar!

"They've done all they can to win your vote. I'm wearing the same blazer two nights in a row. This stage is incredibly crowded and then people on the ends might fall off if we don't turn some lights on up in this place. And heeeeeere we go!" The kids are all crammed together on stage and, Mikalah, hair fully blown out into a lionesque mane, absolutely refuses to break eye contact with the camera. "Hello, America ! It's me, Mikalah! Hello! Hello, it's me!"

Hey, who's that in the back row? Reggae Bo Bice? Aw man, don't tell me you're going Hollywood on us, Bo Bice! Sunglasses indoors? What would your pappy say if he saw that?. We launch into a recap of Tuesday night's effeminate performances and I can't help but wonder why Janay showered right before going onstage and then didn't dry her hair..

Ryan then asks the judges for some comments on the ladies, and Simon criticizes Lindsey for picking what sounded like a gimmick song. A cutting comment from the man who created and produced a World Wrestling Federation album, a Power Rangers album and an album featuring two British TV stars that would be the equivalent of Ashton Kutcher and Chad Michael Murray over here. Then Ryan asks Celena to join him in the middle of the stage and cuts her loose.

No standing, no sitting, no lines, nothing coming after the break. Celena is gone and she's gone now. The judges console Celena with the fact that she had a chance to go in front of 30 million people. And fail. Well, they don't mention that, really. I'm just saying that's the pessimistic way to look at it.

Moving on! The girls are still on the chopping block. To soothe their nervous souls, Ryan asks why they were so sharp in dress rehearsals, yet so iffy on TV. He's spent this entire season rubbing the kids on the back of the neck, telling them it'll be all right. He's turning into a male Paula. A Maula, if you will. Now for a little bit of the old Idol style. We're going to name each gal and flash some lights in their faces before telling them how it is. On another note, is anybody else worried that Janay is going to catch a cold with that wet head? It's winter, baby! Mikalah, looking either like she just woke up, or has been awake for 47 straight hours, is shocked that she's still okay. Then Ryan pulls Vonzell and Aloha into the hot seat. Vonzell is safe. So, as Rugs succinctly opined last night, Aloha means goodbye.

Next up, the guys discover their fate! Now up, the guys discover their fate! Constantine , you're safe. Nikko , it's nice to see your hat back. And you're safe. Bo Bice, you're safe as well. You may now have your hackey sack back. Anthony, Anwar, Scott. Safe, safe, safe. Joseph, David, Travis and Mario, why don't you join Ryan right up where Celena and Aloha were standing only moments ago. Right up until they fell into that bottomless pit. After the break, we learn that Mario is safe and that Travis and Joseph are pretty much wearing the same thing. And also that Joseph and David have ab out four more seconds in our collective consciousness. Ryan asks Joseph where he went wrong and Joseph classily takes the Melinda route, blaming the editors for not showing his soul patch enough. Right, that was it. Mikalah, meanwhile, is ab solutely devastated to lose Joseph for some reason. So is his family. But it's a small club.

Annnnnnnnd we're out. It was quick, it was efficient, the recap wasn't very funny. Hey, they can't all be home runs. And this one couldn't even be a single. But let's not allow this to come between us.