Jaded's Recap: Week 7 - Tuesday

Oh, those wacky, wacky guys! The dancing. The screaming. The swinging of the mic stand. So much action and adventure last night! Can the ladies possibly top it? Most likely not, but they'll try anyway.

Seacrest, having been denied entry to a hipster sushi joint after last night's show, decides to put on a jacket for tonight's. You never saw Wink Martindale wearing a t-shirt, I tells ya! In my day, people had class, I tells ya! Contact? Contact! 3-2-1 , contact!

Aloha Mischeaux starts off tonight's show. Isn't this what she was wearing last night? I do like her Supremes wig, though. Taking me right back to '68. By the way, I give it two more weeks before people start to complain about Aloha's flower. Maybe one week if Jasmine Trias sees it. Randy wasn't impressed by the flower or the song. Paula, wearing a sporty tie/bandanna combo, agrees with Randy. Simon wasn't keen on it, either, as the Brits say. At this point, a coworker writes me to say, "It looks like Aloha means goodbye tonight." Yes, we're quite the droll bunch around here.

Lindsey Cardinale is next. She talks about her hometown's strawberry festival, and isn't she quite the little tart? (I came up with that on my own.) Lindsey, having learned from the fellers last night, goes upbeat and talks during the song. Connect with the audience! The judges talk about how they love Lindsey's voice.

That brings us to Jessica Sierra, who is also a country girl. As her white jeans clearly indicate. I do like the blue curtain she cut into a blouse, however. Between this song and Lindsey's performance and Bo Bice last night, maybe it's time to rename the show. Between Jessica and Tyler Perry, safe, conservative culture is taking over. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I'll have to wait to hear Bill Maher's opinion first. Anyway, the judges loved Jessica's effort.

We come back from a break and Seacrest ends all the debate by finally proving once and for all that he can sit on a stool. Before her song, Mikalah tells us that she wants to be famous basically because she's helpless and needs an army of assistants to cater to her every whim. How charming. I guess marrying an ugly doctor is out of the question. You know, after seeing that histrionics were well-received last night, Mikalah probably spent the entire day planning something wild. At this point, I wouldn't be surprised to see her come out wearing fake glasses and a Humpty Hump nose. "No two people will do it the same, you got it down when you appear to be in pain. Humpin'. Funkin'. Jumpin'. Jig around, shakin' your rump. And when a doodle chump pump points a finger like a stump, tell him step off, I'm doin' the Hump. Yes, the Hump! I'm talking to you, Randy Jackson! Everybody look at me up here! I'm wearing a fake nose!" But no, she's tamely dressed and surprisingly low key. Looks like somebody's been reading the message boards about themselves. You know, like I do twice a day. And the judges really liked her.

Celena Rae, conversely, doesn't need the fame. Just the money and the designer clothes. Finally, somebody who's down to Earth! I wonder what designer created earrings based on a psychic's beaded curtain? When the lights go down and the truth is all you see! The truth about how disappointing the person you settled for looks like naked! When the lights go down! Randy proclaims that he's keeping it very real and that Celena was only okay. Didn't she watch the guys last night? You need to let loose this year! It's very close to moving from theory to law that an upbeat song covers up a shaky voice and a slow ballad exposes it. Look, it's up to you kids, but if I was competing on Idol, I would sing 35 straight up tempo numbers and if people complained, I would gently remind them of Krogmann's axiom.

After another pause for sandwiches and drinks, it's Janay time! Janay tells Seacrest that tonight she's going to be me, whereas last week she was not me. But before Janay can be her, Nadia has to sing. Nadia, wearing a recreation of our solar system on our necklace, also slows it down for everybody. Nadia's boyfriend must be very happy that his girl is telling America that her love does it good to her. What a proud moment! The judges were okay with Nadia's song. Simon tells Nadia that she was good for somebody who was bad, or something. The judges mostly liked how her outfit matched the cups on their table.

Amanda, having carefully studied the Krogmann axiom, gives us some spicy Latin tempo. Avila is Latin, isn't it? Close enough for me. Hey, where did her voice go? Oh, there it is. You do have to say those words awfully fast, in her defense. That's how people sing in their cars, dropping out the parts they don't know, so maybe average folks will identify with her. The judges certainly liked it.

Now it's time for Janay to be her, not not her. Where's Janay? All I see is smoke and lights. There she is! There's Janay! This song is going to be really cool when Jay-Z comes out for the rap solo. By the way, if you're wondering, part of Janay being herself is showing a lot of belly. The judges suggest that next time Janay be somebody besides herself. Simon says she's like a talking Bratz doll. Or something.

Carrie Underwood is wearing all denim tonight, which is considered "dressing up" in Oklahoma . It's what the governor wears to work every day, in fact. Carrie tells us she's fine with being called a farm girl, which is understandable because, you know, she's from a farm. Everybody wave your hands! Carrie finishes her song. Randy tells Carrie to stick to farm songs and Paula agrees. On another note, with all of that denim, how many copper rivets do you think Carrie has on her body right now? Fifteen? Twenty?

I can't believe this show isn't over yet. I feel like I've watched 100 songs already. Come on, Vonzell, send us out on something worth our time! In pre-song chat, Vonzell is wearing earrings that match the light towers on stage. Now that's synergy, folks! And when the song starts, she's wearing all of Mr. T's jewelry. But all that shines wasn't enough to impress the judges three.

So that's it! Another show in the books, another boring closing paragraph. Until this little piece of news! It's entirely possible that you'll be seeing me without blur very soon. Not here, but somewhere else on the world wild web. Maybe hosting my own show and showing Seacrest how it's done. Maybe interviewing Jon Peter Lewis from Idol 3. Maybe engaging in various hilarious shenanigans. Maybe. Stay tuned!