Jaded's Recap: Week 3 - Tuesday

What? No, Idol hasn't ended yet. We still have months of it left! Tonight, a nation turns its lonely eyes to Cleveland and Orlando. You know, I went to Cleveland last summer. So I'm guessing that these auditioners are going to be slightly on edge. A single rejection could spawn disaster. Plus, nothing good ever happens in Cleveland Browns stadium. Unless you play for the visiting team.

Starting things off, Seacrest compares himself to Alan Freed. Mind you, Alan Freed was a man who helped revolutionize radio and introduced the white teenage masses to black music, despite howls of protests from their close-minded parents. Seacrest...um...has interviewed BOTH Jessica AND Ashlee Simpson. So that's one point for each.

But no matter what happens in Cleveland, we must remember that Ladies Love Cool James. Much love. And credit goes to LL for sensibly wearing safety glasses to prevent any audition-related accidents. First up, we have Jaclyn Crumb, who starts crying even before her audition. Perhaps she's sad that her shirt doesn't reach her pants. LL tells her to think about Joss Stone, which I absolutely refuse to do. Either way, Jaclyn overcomes her lack of experience and tenuous mental situation to make it on to the next round.

Next up is Sarah Sue Kelly. Look for Sarah Sue to one day be working as an administrative assistant, collecting Troll dolls and ceramic frogs and saving up for her annual trip to New York to see Broadway shows. But she'll always be cheery and she'll always order cake for the office on somebody's birthday, and that's more than most people can say about you. So get off Sarah's back already!

We come back from a break and the longest suit jacket in the history of the world walks out of the audition room. Maybe that guy borrowed it from Lebron. Then Christopher Quick sings, "For five long years, I thought you were my man." Then he stops, perhaps finally realizing what he just said. It's okay. His home state of West Virginia has long been renowned for its tolerance and pursuit of enlightenment. And coal. We mustn't forget the coal. Ebony Jones seemed nice enough, but I really prefer the musical stylings of Whitey Thompson. Then Sampson Ingram sings a cover of Seu Jorge's cover of a David Bowie song from The Life Aquatic. Second TLA reference already this year! I. Am. Tapped.

Moving on, I'm guessing that Scott Savol LOVES 8 Mile. Is he wearing a suit or a bedsheet? Then we learn that Scott hates his dad, and now I feel bad. Scott loses himself in the music and delivers a fantastic performance. The judges love his voice, but not his look, and Clay Aiken starts plotting a way to take Scott out. "Weird looks and a great voice is my niche! There's not room for two in this hotel!" Scott busts out of the room and celebrates with his mom and his stepdad's short tie. Happiness all around!

After another break, the rejections come at a fast and furious clip. LL will not have any of this riff raff moving on to Cali. Cali. Cali. Also, it doesn't seem like anybody in Cleveland is good-looking. Then...we have a mime. I actually talked to this girl on my fabulous world tour and discovered it was a project for a performance art class. Wonderful! When does she throw ground meat around the room to protest U.S. imperialism? Oh, she decided to fall down instead. I guess she's not trapped in a glass box after all.

Patrick Norman bills himself as Farmboy. Sort of like Hellboy, but able to work a thresher. I'm guessing that, you know, Pat's dad, Farmman, doesn't have two pierced ears. Patrick should've undone one of his overalls straps and taken us all back to '92. He didn't, but he makes it on to the next round anyway. Outside, Farmboy celebrates with Farmman. Farmboy may no longer need his power to separate wheat from chaff at supersonic speed.

Next up is Lashunda Jackson, who actually looks like a Lashunda. And she sings like a...um...well, it's not great. So Lashunda hasn't exactly set the table for her sister, Leandra. But the good news is, Lashunda will have absolutely no reason to envy Leandra after this. Because, see, they've both been rejected. I guess that pre-audition clip of the sisters telling each other they won't be the next American Idol was more foreshadowing than we thought. Lashunda and Leandra's little sister then says that Simon is a knucklehead. Ryan agrees, saying, "Holler, sister." White much?

Now we have Briana Davis. Even Goth chicks look at her and think, "Wow." I promise that Briana's mother has had at least five pleading conversations with her daughter, all revolving around the same basic theme of "But, you're such a pretty girl. Why do you have to dress that way? You'll never find a polite boy." But the audition is a success, as Briana introduces Goth opera to the judges, I introduce Gothpera to the American lexicon, and Briana moves on to the next round. Huzzah!

Then Idol moves on to Orlando, via fanboat, it would seem. You know what Orlando has? Theme parks. Humidity. And that's it. The first Orlandoer (Orlandian? Orlandan? Orlandino?) to step in front of the judges, Marissa Ganz, brags to us that she auditions a lot. Hopefully she gets a callback for that gig wearing a duck costume around. Because she won't be getting a callback for this one. Maybe she can get a job in Vegas as a Jenna Bush impersonator. Sure, it involves a lot of falling down and clumsy dancing, but it pays well.

Marissa is followed by Ryan Miller, who came late to the audition and only had time to dye half of his shirt. Too bad, too, because it completely threw off his singing. So what about Vonzell Solomon, who is auditioning for both American Idol and Charlie's Angels 3: McG Blows Stuff Up and Zooms In? Vonzell's got pink, she's got lime and she's got a pass to the next round.

Then we see a bunch of people acting like jerks and pulling the old 23 fake-out left blast. "I didn't make it. Oh yes I did! Zwing!" Stop it! That's not nice! The whole thing is set, of course, to "Build Me Up Buttercup." I...hmm.

Now let me tell you the tale of one Desmond Meeks. At first I thought Desmond relaxed his hair, but maybe four weeks in Orlando have simply melted it. I tell you what, if a guy wearing brown and white spats can't move on in this competition, maybe it's time to fold up the tent. But, hmm, he doesn't sing that great. I sense a big fight coming. Mainly because they've teased it twice already tonight. While the judges argue, Desmond nervously looks around for a plant to hide behind. This must be like watching divorcing parents argue about who has to take the kid. While the kid is in the room. Along with 28 million other people. Those nasty boy judges finally relent and Desmond is moving on. The lesson here, kids, is get Paula on your side and you'll be just fine.

Then a bunch of other people make it to Hollywood as well. No time for them now, though. And no time to wrap this up with something clever. I'm in a hu...

(Man, that was clever.)