Jaded's Recap: The road is to Hollywood!

So get ready for some "lost" footage tonight chock full of unseen finalists and super bad auditions. First up is Elizabeth Letendre, who seems to be quite bendy and is my new favorite person. The singing? I dunno. I wasn't paying attention because I was reminiscing about all the stretching from earlier.

Next up is Briana Garcia. The judges see something in her, or maybe they're just mesmerized by her tough suspenders. Following that is Micah Read, who confesses to us before his audition that he might forget the words and be terrible in there. He rocks out some Bob Seger, which I always count as a strike against people, but when he flips the script and goes all balladeer on us after the judges ask him for something different, the judges knock him for being fake. So...the lesson here is...you're going to Hollywood, fakey? Good for Micah, right? Man, I don't know what's going on right now.

Back from a break and Seacrest wonders what it takes to make it to Hollywood. I have absolutely no idea, so I'm hanging on his every word to find out the answer. Oh, it's talent. Thanks for the tip. Anyway, you need talent, Charly Lowry. Charly tells us she's part tribal, and she's a bit of slow talker, but none of that matters. Talent matters! Which it seems Charly has a bit of. Then Simon says you need more than talent. You need to be not old fashioned as well. So now I'm confused. Then Simon passes her through to Hollywood. So now I'll curl up in a ball and wait for it all to blow over.

After a Colin Leahy rehash, Eric Yoder tells us that his car has been stolen, his car has been broken into and he's been shot. Uh, maybe it's time for Eric to move to a...less interesting part of town. And besides, I trimmed my thumbnail too close last night and it's been stinging all day, so don't act like you're the only person who has it rough. But things are turning up Yoder, as he makes it through to Hollyweird.

Another nice little pause, and then we're treated to a host of contestants who keep returning for more punishment. Why? Why do they do this? Hey! There's The Pilgrim. And behind him, isn't that Colin Leahy in the Carolina jersey? And there's Mulletor. And Edgar. By the way, I know what you're thinking. I keep coming back even though nobody wants me to, so really, I'm just like Edgar. Fine. Think that. But you know what? I hate you.

Then a chick sings and when Simon criticizes her, she takes offense and says every time she steps onstage or into a room, she commands – COMMANDS! – attention. I can't tell you what her name is, because I wasn't really paying attention to her audition, but keep this one in mind for later fireworks. Speaking of fireworks, here's a fiery redhead. Lisa Leuschner. Last year, she was rejected and Simon told her she needed to lose some weight. Ignoring Simon's advice, she returned this year. Simon still thinks she needs to lose some poundage, but Lisa thinks she just needs to dress better. Um...in skinnier clothes would be a good start.

Lisa makes it through to Hollywood despite the Fergie issues, but some others weren't so lucky. We see people pathetically begging for their chance at superfame. This reminds me of the time last season I begged the show's producers to have me on during the finals for a video recap of the whole season. "C'mon! It'll be hilarious! We'll show some video, then I'll make fun of people! It's gold! Gold, I tells ya! What? Who cares if nobody knows who I am?" But that encounter taught me a valuable lesson. Begging is pathetic. A lesson these auditioners will soon learn. Like the girl who claims, "I'm not taking no for an answer." "No," sayeth the judges. Then another girl says she'll pay for all of her expenses to go to Hollywood. Like a tourist, you mean? Following all of that is Paula fan #0001. He hugs Paula like George from "Of Mice and Men" hugged that bunny. Somebody break that up!

Diana Degarmo is wearing a fuzzy pink hat. I'll say this much, fettucini degarmo is one of my favorite dishes. I really love how the red peppers bring out the flavor of the cream sauce. Add a bottle of nice wine and you have a romantic evening suitable for supercouple Sara and Sergey. (What a segue!) If you want to know what true love is, it's waiting in line for 72 hours to support your girl's dreams of becoming a pop star and probably leaving you one day for Luis Miguel. And beyond that, it's being willing to embarrass yourself by singing some Right Said Fred when you have no tangible singing ability. As Simon put it, he's a Russian singing a French song in English. With wry observations like that, there's basically no need for me here, so good night!

Okay, I'm back. And I've brought a couple of life lessons. One, nobody cares about how you went to Mexico and got lost on the way to Cozumel and got strep throat and got stung by a bee and stubbed your toe and that's why your audition was bad. And also, if you're in a rump shaking mood, please take your cell phone off your belt holster first. I mean, you don't want your Nokia to distract from your shake-a-shake-shake. In fact, don't ever clip your phone to your belt. It's simply terrible.

On another note, you know what's funny? People tackling their best friends when they come out of the audition room. You know what else is funny? Misery. And cursing. And punching doors. And a complete lack of perspective. Such as...declaring that this season of Idol is going to be terrible because they got rid of you. The show was fine last year without you, it'll be just fine this year without you. Now, if the show got rid of me, that would be trouble. But you? We don't need you. Well, I need you. Because I love my fans! Sigh.