Jaded's Recap: Here We Go Again

It's another Tuesday, which means we have a night full of singing on our plates. And then the voting. We musn't forget the voting! So remember that, kids going this week. You need to be a great singer, look good, act cool and have nine other intangible qualities before the masses will worship at your altar. Just so you know, all I need to do is peg down the singing and I'll be this country's next ultrastar.

Starting the show off tonight, Seacrest stands alone on that big, cold stage. Either he arrived five minutes before the show started or he thinks this is just a rehearsal, because he isn't very dressed up. Dirty jeans accented with a t-shirt that reminds us "Life is a jungle." You're on TV, son! Look the part. Wink Martindale must be having a heart attack right now. Although, I must admit, Ryan's beach mullet has definitely become more powerful and radiant.

We meet the judges. They look about the same. But then Seacrest brings up something interesting. It seems that a certain tabloid has photos of Simon in his heady youth. Here's Simon with his hair feathered like a magnificent swan. Here's Simon with a bad teenage mustache. Here's Simon doing a shirtless Rocky impersonation. And here's Simon standing around the pool in a Speedo.

In the lounge, we see that the families have returned in full force. Will there be any yelling tonight from a family member? Only if we're lucky, Kicking off the singing portion of tonight's show is Clay Aiken. We've heard a lot of hubbub over Clay's makeover. I don't see what the big deal is. Before my most recent makeover, I was an evangelical advice columnist. And look at me now! If I can change for the better, why can't Clay?

Clay tried on an assortment of colorful shirts before the show, eventually settling on bright lime. It still doesn't hide his stunning resemblance to Conan O'Brien. Randy liked the song because he was in Journey for some years. Really? I didn't see him in the super awesome "Tough guys down by the wharf" video for "Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)." Some day! Love will find you! Hey look, there's Randy on keyboards! The judges continue to say they can't believe a voice like Clay's comes out of a face like Clay's. It just doesn't match. I know exactly how he feels. People are constantly telling me they can't believe somebody so handsome can still be so funny. We just have to work through the prejudice, Clay! It's an uphill battle!

Seacrest gives the pertinent voting information for Clay and warns us that if we hear a pitch for a 900 number, hang up! Well, that was a real sweet scam I had going. Until now. Next up is Candice. She's wearing the same outfit as Seacrest, only cut in half. I'm beginning to think that Candice could be added to the continually-growing list of chicks that could beat me up. She looks like somebody not to be crossed. Paula loved her performance, but Randy thought maybe a different song would've been better. Or something. I dunno. Maybe not. Simon thinks Candice needs to learn how to perform a bit better. So.just standing there and swaying a bit is bad? Hmm. Good to know.

Now up is Rebecca Bond. All I know about her to this point is that her first name is Rebecca. She's been featured on the show less than I have. According to her little pre-song piece, Rebecca is from "Pheonix, AZ." Umm, I don't think I could find that on a map. Although it might be near "Tmepe." Rebecca's song goes, "Caught up in the rapture of love." Is that good? Isn't the rapture the end of the world? That's bad, right? Is this a love song or a "We just broke up and now I wish I could rain fire from the skies" song? Following the effort, Simon thinks Rebecca isn't right for this show. She says she would tend to disagree with him. Which makes sense, I guess. Paula liked the performance. Randy sorta agrees with Simon. Those two are real buddies this season!

Over on the big red couch with Seacrest, Rebecca still thinks the judges are wrong. I admire her pluck! Of course, it wouldn't make much sense for her to say, "You know, the judges are right. I'm not cut out for this show. But I'm just perfect for 'The New Hollywood Squares!' I'll be the upper right corner along with the ghost of Andy Williams!"

Following the now somewhat known Rebecca is Jacob John Smalley. His outfit tonight comes straight from the Clay Aiken Institute of Fashion. Jacob John comes out and greets Paula with "Hello, beautiful." I can't believe he got away with it! Playing behind Jacob is the "washing machine" scenery loop. It looks very spring fresh! Oh wait, that's the beach. It looks very..beach.fresh? Ugh. I got nothing. After his song, Randy tells Jacob he was "a little under the note." I have absolutely no idea what that means. It sounds bad, though. Jacob eagerly accepts the criticism and puts a little butter on it. He has obviously been taking notes. "Well, people didn't like it when Justin talked back, so I'll do the exact opposite!" Simon again volunteers that the performances aren't good enough so far. I'm sorry. I'll try to be funnier. Although if that were possible, I would've started doing it last year.

You know, I'd like to see somebody exit to the left through that other tunnel. Where does that lead to anyway? Maybe if Jacob went in there, he'd show up on next week's show covered in cobwebs and his shirt would be soaking wet. He'd stumble out during somebody's performance and cough, "Oh, man. Am I happy to see you people. I thought I'd never get out of there." Yep. Life sure could be fun.

On the furniture, Ryan asks Jacob what he can do to raise his game. Jacob says he can dance and act. That acting ability should come in handy in a singing competition. For instance, he can act like he enjoys the judges' critiques.

Next up is Hadas. She says that her dad is her biggest fan. I wish I could say the same. But he hates my guts. According to Hadas, she looks a lot like Sandra Bullock. I hope that doesn't mean she'll be starring in Forces of Nature 2: Still Gusty anytime soon. Hadas is wearing some awfully pointy boots tonight. She may have borrowed them from The Iron Sheik. Hadas' song ends, and her boots are still pointy. Paula loved it. Randy isn't blown away. There's probably no need to keep writing that over and over.

Now we have Ruben, who is so big his jersey needs three numbers. It's not hard to find Ruben's family in the lounge. It's the other giant guy in the football jersey. The one who's playing Tetris on his cell phone right now. I've dubbed Ruben "Mount St. Smooth." As a warning, I've patented that moniker, so if you want to use it, please mail me a quarter each time you do so.

Ruben gives a pretty solid performance. And I'm digging those old school red, white and blue wristbands he's wearing. I don't know why a singer needs wristbands, but who cares? He looks like World B. Free right now! Randy gives Ruben a standing ovation. I wonder what would happen if Randy and Ruben ran into each other at full speed. It could be catastrophic. Paula joins in the standing ovation and asks for a hug. Ruben grants her wish. Simon says Ruben is exactly what this competition is all about. The lesson? Wristbands will help you go far, kids. To celebrate the praise, Ruben and his brother Kevin try to squish Ryan in between the sofa cushions. Down where the nickels are, y'all!

After Mount St. Smooth is Kimberley Locke. She belts outs "Over The Rainbow" again. She'd better pick up a new song soon, or else her debut album will be 12 remixes of this song. "Rainbow - Club Mix 2." "Rainbow - Supa Party Mix." The screensaver background shows a waterfall and a rainbow to accompany Kimberley's performance. After Kimberley finishes, Randy gives his second standing ovation of the evening. Paula loved it, and while Simon loved the singing, he gives Ms. Locke a 4 1/2 for personality. She gives Simon a zero and says most people that criticize others are actually unhappy with themselves. Huh. That can't be very good for me. Although, quite frankly, I criticize everything and I love myself tremendously. Exception to the rule, I guess.

But Kimberley doesn't stop there. She high fives Paula, gets in Simon's face, tells him he sucks and then demands a high five from him as further punishment. All this, and Simon bumps Kimberley's personality up to a 6. Getting better!

Rounding out the show is Jennifer Fuentes. Jennifer wraps it up and Paula and Randy are both unimpressed. Simon says she shouldn't have left the other room after Ruben and Kimberley sang. That would've been interesting. "Eh, no thanks. Those guys were really good and stuff. It's over for me. I'll just sit here and finish this Coke." Oh well. At least she had cute little hair puffs on top of her head. She can always fall back on that.

So that's about it. Eight more performances and one more completely unentertaining recap. At this point, everybody on Earth loves Ruben, except for tailors who get tired walking around as they try to measure him. Because I found that last joke so witty and may want to use it again, I'm picking Mount St. Smooth (Danger! Overuse alert!) to make the finals. And who will join him? Well, definitely either Hadas, Kimberley or Clay. Unless it's one of the others. But for the sake of keeping my awesome 100% correct record of predictions alive, I'll say.um.with confidence.Hadas! Or Kimberley. Possibly Clay.