First off, yes, I know that gone is spelled with a G and RJ has a J. What do you people want from me, anyway?

Moving on. Live! Bum-bah! Last night, the final five fought for survival. Survival? I must have missed the part when they released live tigers in the studio. Tonight, your votes send somebody home. You voting bastards! How can you live with yourselves? You're sending somebody home!

The hosts come out, our normal start to the show. That is some shirt on Seacrest. Where is he getting those things? Seventeen years ago? Dunkleman is wearing Seacrest's suit from last night. I don't know if that will help his approval rating or not.

We got fourteen and a half million calls last night. Man, that's a lot of calls. I mean, really. I'm not going to say anything funny here. That's just a lot of calls. And yes, I know some of you are thinking I won't say anything funny in this whole column. Congratulations. That's one for you.

And here are the judges! Sitting behind Simon tonight is an audience member wearing a shirt with a portrait of Randy airbrushed onto it. I assume they picked it up at Air Wear, that place in the mall I use for all of my airbrushing needs. In fact, I just picked up something there last week. I had a picture of my '85 Cutlass airbrushed onto a tank top. My custom vanity plate? DRK KNGT. Yeah, you know I'm bad!

Seacrest does a fairly sharp impression of Randy. "I love those initials, man. Those are my initials." Paula is wearing her official Olympic necklace tonight. And then Ryan introduces the prick...ly Simon Cowell. Man, what got into Seacrest's water backstage? He's downright sprightly tonight. I'm feeling a little spunky myself tonight, so you can be sure this recap will be extra good. As opposed to the others I've done.

Here are the kids! Tamyra looks hot again. Straightening her hair was the best idea she ever had. Beyond auditioning for AMERICAN IDOL, of course. Justin looks casual, Kelly looks cute, RJ looks like a mannequin and Nikki looks like somebody about to be cut.

Let's see some clips from last night, shall we? Tamyra did indeed make herself cry. That's tough to do. Simon compares Nikki to The Wedding Singer. Let's hope she doesn't make Mr. Deeds 2.

Out in the audience, Seacrest says there's still some love in the studio. There it is. On his shoe. What got into these guys tonight? Do they think they have to impress me? They're a couple of real firebrands!

"Do you know the way to San Jose? La la la la la la la." "I say a little prayer for you." Apparently, the show got a great deal on Bacharach songs by buying his entire catalog. And I think they're going to make sure they get their money's worth, because this medley seems to include them all.

The boys break off into a little duet. Sort of. They don't seem to be able to find each others' pace. You'd think Justin would be more precise with one arm tucked behind his back like an eager cadet at roll call. Nikki breaks out a little solo work. She doesn't put much effort into it. Hey, if you're leaving tonight, why bother? At first, I thought the solo was Nikki's going away present, but then Kelly got one too. Kelly is still looking mighty cute. Maybe she'll want to go catch a matinee with me one day. Although she'll probably want to see Stuart Little 2 or something like that.

"What the world needs now, is love, sweet love." We're going to be here all night with this Bacharach bonanza. There's like 100 songs to go!

After the song finally winds down, Paula stands up to the lead the applause. As if that's not enough, she claps her hands over her head. I'm fairly certain the audience would've applauded without her cue, but the effort is appreciated. You all know how much I appreciate effort.

We're back from the break, and Dunk is plugging the Web site. Still no mention of me. I guess I shouldn't be quite so impressed with myself. I'm trying not to be, but it's so hard. Ryan makes fun of Brian for messing up his lines. It was hard to tell the difference.

Time for another taped bit extolling the sensible, economical values of the Ford Focus. The blue Ford Focus, particularly. We're subjected to another bout of horrible, horrible acting. These kids make both Coreys look good. But at least we got a shot of the car from every conceivable angle. I'm surprised they didn't drive over a camera on the ground for a shot of the undercarriage. "It has a muffler?! Wow!"

Looking inside the car now, um...I'm not that superficial or anything, but...um...maybe Kelly should wear makeup at all hours. She looks really...um, exhausted right now is about the best way I can put it. Justin goes flopping around the corner of the building like a rag doll. He certainly looks like one with that hair and shirt. You know, guy, just because Old Navy advertises rugby shirts doesn't mean you have to buy one. It's optional, not mandatory. It seems like Justin gets the biggest parts in these little skits, but he overacts like he's in a high school musical. "Hello! James! What! Brings! You! Here?!? Let! Us! Sing! Now!"

Now comes the time to identify tonight's two lowest vote getters. Nikki, anyone? Yeah, we've been through this before. Hop on over here, doll.

As she's walking across the stage, we get a glorious look at Nikki's stomach. Her belly looks mighty flat for somebody who had a kid, so I can't criticize too much. Really, I just wanted to bring up another point. And that point is...who in the world started this trend of tight half-shirts on pregnant women? When I'm walking down the sidewalk, under no circumstances do I want to see a big, exposed, veiny belly with a navel the size of an apple. I don't know who started this madness, but it needs to end immediately. Yeah, yeah, babies are a miracle and pregnant woman are wonderful and life is beautiful, but this is hideous. This is the worst fashion trend of the past fifteen years. And that includes Zubaz.

Kelly, you're fine and Tamyra, you're fine. You two are also safe for this week. Justin. RJ. One of you is safe and one of you is not. Justin should be getting used to this drill by now. This isn't the first time they've put him through it. And...as always, we'll find out who comes down to the stage after the break. Not as much shock this time. People are learning. Like a gerbil that touches a little button and gets a food pellet.

Back from the break. If you just joined us, Nikki's in the bottom two. If you just joined us for the first time ever, Nikki is in the bottom two just about every week.

Before we go any farther, let's promote the Teen Choice Awards again. It's very important that people know about categories like, "Best Movies Your Parents Didn't Want You To See." How about all of them! All those curse words! Thanks for the help, Grandpa. I'll take over the column from here.

Jennifer Love Hewitt is at the TCAs and wants to meet the AMERICAN IDOL kids. Presumably to get tips on how to have a successful music career. She obviously has no idea. Hey! Who's that in the middle of our kids saying, "We had a great time." She doesn't looks familiar, but her name escapes me. Katiana? Chrissy? Caitlin? Christine Christiansen? Something like that. Oh, how quickly we forget.

Back from the promo and Dunk says, "The fun stops now." Then he starts talking. I'll let you connect those two dots yourself.

Justin. RJ. The judges said both of you were just "okay". And Justin...you're safe. So now it's down to RJ and Nikki. And, as RJ just mouthed, we'll find out who goes home "after the break." It seems like it kills Dunk to have to say that. He knows it's coming. These kids can handle another minute of waiting. It's okay, buddy!

You know, this is just like last week with Nikki and RJ standing in the fire together. Only this time, Christina isn't in the hospital. Or maybe she is. They didn't really tell us anything in the beginning.

We're back! Just so you know, both RJ and Nikki received over two million votes. Well, that means over two million calls last night were completely wasted, because somebody is still going home.

Nikki is clinging to RJ for dear life right now. "No! I won't let go! If I go, he goes!" RJ...you...have been eliminated tonight. Holy jumpin'! I did NOT see that one coming. I don't know why, really. It was a 50/50 shot.

I'm guessing Nikki didn't see it coming either. She was clearly on the verge of breaking down in a torrent of tears before hearing the announcement.

RJ thanks everybody for their votes. He didn't add, "Although I could've used a few more." To the judges, he offers, "Paula and Randy, I really appreciate your help." Simon is very conspicuously left off of the list. I thought maybe he'd say, "Simon, thanks for not dying in my arms and weirding me out. Other than that, go to hell. British hell."

Nikki is bawling right now. You know, every time somebody gets cut on this show, a person that moved on has broken down in tears. Why are these kids so confused?

Judges? What can you say to RJ to cheer him up? Randy repeatedly reminds him that he made it this far. Paula says he's the greatest human to walk the Earth. Simon says he took his criticism like a man. Not a single one of those comments could ever be said about me.

RJ's going to sing us out tonight. I'm sure he's up for this. Too bad Kelly's not 21. If she was, they could pull out the sauce on Wednesday's show and turn it into a big boozy Irish wake. As it stands now, it's just a drag.

So the RJ Shuffle is gone, which is probably a good thing since I pretty much beat that reference ten feet into the ground yesterday. Unfortunately, little Erik Estrada has ridden his last motorcycle on AMERICAN IDOL.

And now, the repeating question of, "How did Nikki last another week?" comes up again. Is there any possible way we'll be asking it again next Wednesday? Well, yes. Haven't you been watching the show? You can't bump her off with a bulldozer.